Tag: DID NOS

Don’t Want This Night To End

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

Don’t Want This Night to End

This is a song that I love by Luke Bryan. The video is fricken awesome. Though I don’t really like the follow up video. I was kind of hoping it was going to be another song on his album Tailights and Tailgates.

I had therapy today. It went okay though I don’t think we really talk about anything that was of importance. I brought up the letter and we talked about Hyde. I felt him brewing inside but she and I really didn’t want him to come out. He really is another part of me that is purely suicidal. And I think my menses has something to do with it as well as being in chronic pain. The perfect storm for him to come out is when I am in severe, excruciating pain, late at night, and I can’t sleep. It is the midnight demon quality. I also have to be in a writing mood. For some reason, he expresses himself through writing the most suicidal letters possible. The reason we didn’t want him to come out is because there is always the chance I could attempt suicide while in that frame of mind. I have never really attempted with him in control but that doesn’t mean that I can trust him. She didn’t say, exactly, what the letter did but it apparently had a devastating effect on her.

I went to Starbucks after session like I usually do. I had a Snicker’s latte (2 pumps mocha, 2 pumps caramel, 2 pumps toffee nut) and was contemplating something to eat but didn’t get anything. I journaled a bit while drinking my latte. I wrote a little more in detail about the session as it was fresh off my memory banks. I then wrote about other things. I think the last thing I wrote about was the horrific Amtrak train accident this morning. Seven people are dead because the train was going really fast in a slow zone, 100 MPH in a 50. It’s so sad.

I drank a lot of liquid between the latte and the iced tea I had for supper. I didn’t feel the need to go to the bathroom until I left my house to pick up my prescription at Walgreens. The leaking started and I didn’t feel anything. I hate dribbling. Even as I was approaching the house, the urge to go wasn’t strong, yet I had a full bladder. There was no way I didn’t. You can’t have a twenty ounce drink followed by a sixteen ounce and not be full. That’s over 1000 cc’s of fluid right there! I also wasn’t happy to find out that I am having break through bleeding. Looks like I will be stopping the pill next week so I can have a mense. I went through five packs of pills so it was a good run. I am averaging about 5-6 packs between break throughs. It just sucks because I have to wear female underwear and feminine products for a week. It’s just a big blow to my ego.

Meeting with my Pdoc

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Meeting with my Pdoc

I found out that my doc wanted to really know what had happened last week. I had emailed her to let her know that I had a dissociative episode and the next thing I know she wants to meet with me. I initially had an appointment with her on Friday but she moved it up to today. I was surprised that my email generated such concern, but then it is not usual for me to have these dissociative episodes. I told her everything that I had told my therapist this past week about it. She kept on calling the new person Hyde, and I had to correct her that it wasn’t Hyde, but another person. I gave a description of what went on, before I fell asleep that night. I still remember in detail about what went on because I was in somewhat control. It was just scary to me because the person inside me was so angry.

She, like my therapist, had no explanation for me. She knows that I am not DID but I do dissociate. The thing was, as I told her, the alter was familiar. I know I have felt him before but this was before I knew about dissociation and the like. I also told her that I was under heavy narcotics and she thinks that instead of me hallucinating, I dissociated. But if that were the case, this would happen more often as I do take these meds frequently. I have to, to keep my pain levels from driving me to suicide. She knows I need my pain medication. I still think that low blood sugar contributed more than just taking my meds.

Before we concluded, she asked me if I wanted to do the mock interview for her 1st year medical students. I said sure and she specifically wants me to talk about Cauda Equina Syndrome (CES). That is not a problem. I have talked about it before and I can certainly talk about it again. My brace should be sufficient cause to raise an eyebrow or two. The only thing that sucks is that I have to be interviewed by the same older woman as last year. She intimidated me and kept my answers short. I couldn’t elaborate because I felt like she lost interest in what I was saying a few sentences into the answers to her question. It was like I should only be saying yes or no to her questions, which is not possible when you are trying to teach medical students about something as complex as CES.

As we were talking about Hyde, she asked me if I read the book. I told her I didn’t and so she recommend that I read it. I got a free download of it on Kindle. I will read it after I make some progress with my Civil War book. I have so many books that I am in the middle of that I hate to start a new one. She considered me calling the new “he” Jekyll. I wouldn’t mind that.

She asked me what I wanted to be called. I said GC. She asked why I didn’t go for Alex, I said it didn’t fit for me and I tried Mike for a year. GC just seems like a good name to choose and she agreed.

Blog on hold?

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt

Blog on Hold?

I have been going through some unpredictable things the past week. It has affected my writing, to a degree. Actually, I am more terrified to write because of what has happened. So I am going to try this blog poll thing. If you would like me to continue writing every day, vote. If you think I need a hiatus for a time, vote. If you think I am a moron and the blog is totally worthless, vote that too. By the end of the week, I will make my decision but would like feedback before doing so.

Thanks
Midnight Demon

Games, mindwise and otherwise

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, suicide, writing

Games, mindwise and otherwise

So, I joined a group for my Facebook game, Pioneer Trail, because some of the neighbors are no longer player out of my 125 people. I got new neighbors that play actively. But I still have not received my stuff that I need. I am behind in my missions because I was in the hospital. Still not up to speed with the current missions. And today I got really pissed off because I found out you needed to complete a mission inside a mission to get the stuff you need. I stopped playing and just collected rewards off other people. It was easier to do this than send out the stuff I needed in return.

I then had therapy in the afternoon. I would have preferred lunch with my aunt. My therapist read the blog I posted that had another “alter” and boy, did we talk about this for some time. She wanted me to read the paragraph to her and I wanted nothing more to do with the letter. I told her the handwriting didn’t change, but, it sort of did. I wrote a journal entry prior to writing the letter and the handwriting was different than that of the journal. The letter’s handwriting was more sloppy than that of the journal. AND the last thing I wrote was “good night” in Italian. I remember writing most of the letter except the last paragraph. That last paragraph has my mind going in directions I didn’t think were possible. My therapist thinks that it was a part of myself that is angry with her, and she is okay with it. But my “core self” is not okay with it. I hate losing control like I did. And then the fact I slept soundly afterwards is a little bizarre, to me anyways. My therapist thinks it was a way to access the different parts of me through my writing. I just think it is one big game. And at the end of it, my alter is going to succeed in killing me. I thought, up until now, I just had one, Mr. Hyde. Now that I have this unnamed alter inside and it is a he. There were crazy circumstances that allowed this to happen. One, I was on heavy pain medication. Two, I was exhausted from being up very early in the morning. Three, I had lack of sustenance for most of the day. (I didn’t eat anything after I had my mocha that morning.) So all of this seems to factor in. Today I didn’t eat much, except for dinner. I skipped lunch because I just wasn’t hungry. The 4th factor was that my annoyance level was high and I was angry because of dealing with my father that day that didn’t go the way I wanted it to. I had expected to spend no more than twenty minutes for his blood draw and it was almost an hour. That lead to my further blood sugar withdrawal. It was also hot that day, and I tend to be cranky in the heat. I just cannot tolerate it. Add all these factors in, no wonder I needed an escape of some sort and that alter wanted so badly to be let out. But I mistook it for Hyde. I even said in the letter, here is Hyde. But NONE of the writing was his. It was not a suicidal letter/paragraph. It was just someone screaming at my therapist that he was in charge and that you have to let her go, something to that effect. It also spoke of my transgender issues, stating that my therapist should give up the nonsense of calling me a him. Even as I am writing this, I am getting scared it might come out again. The rule that was drilled into me when I was younger was that what went on in the house, stayed in the house. I wasn’t to let anyone know of what was going on. I acted like the man of the house because I was the oldest, and I took this responsibility seriously. Unfortunately, my sisters were not the “good” ones like I was in school. They had their own agendas. They still do.

What troubles me is that I now have displayed a couple of alters while writing. It scares me that this is an outlet for them because it is possible for them to come out when I least expect it to. I think I have some control but what if I lose that control? I haven’t discussed this with my therapist but I think she can agree that my “core self” is in control the majority of the time. It is only when I “choose” to let loose the alter that it comes out. But then I worry about dissociating. That is a different set of rules. The only time I can clearly recall dissociating was last year when I “lost” a few hours and blogged something without my knowledge of it. I blamed Hyde because it was suicidal in nature. I call Hyde, Hyde because it is the “evil” side of me, the dark side that no one sees. It is a benign side, I know it won’t hurt me but it might if let loose for too long. Being suicidal is just too unpredictable. Words can take action very quickly.
My therapist wants me to “embrace” this other side of me. She is curious about it. I just wonder if we were meeting face to face if this person would come out more. It really is hard to predict. I didn’t know this one existed until last week. It was scary. I rather not have this side come out again. But only if I am writing. If it wants to write, I guess I could let it out and write. Just as long as I go to sleep afterwards.