I had to ask her the remaining question she had for me at the end of session Thursday. I could have just let it be but no, curiosity got the better of me. And I knew it was going to be an unpleasant subject: my being transgender. The question was how did I see myself moving forward. Trouble is, I don’t see how I am going to go forward. I will never be a son to my parents nor a brother to my sisters. And that hurts. She is probably the only person in the world that sees me as a guy. I have one friend that sees me that way but I don’t see him often enough. I feel so torn because I was brought up as a girl and I keep thinking to myself I am crazy because I am a boy. I asked her the question and now I am all torn up about what to do with the answers. What is worse, she brought up my suicidality and I feel that it has been stirred up again. I truly rather die than try to “fight” as a male. I even begun to call myself a “her” though it is so idiosyncratic. It doesn’t even jibe with what I feel. I just figure I will die some day and that will be that. But my book is coming out and soon the world will know I am a guy, a “he” not a “she”. Yet, I know it is because of the things on my chest that are truly defining me not my mentality. How I wish I could just lob them off, for good. Maybe I should have gone to medical school just to learn a little bit about surgery. Too late now.
I had to ask the question and I won’t talk to her again till Wednesday. It’s only 48 hrs. But I will be wrestling with my suicidality until then. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know who will understand. And my crazy cousin will be calling me soon to discuss his anxiety problems. I think I am going to tell him tonight that I am a male. Maybe he won’t talk to me again. Maybe he will think I went off my rocker. I won’t tell him about being suicidal. He doesn’t like talk like that. But then he has known me all my life as a female and calls me such. I don’t know what to do. Why this has to be so fucking difficult. Yet I know that if I didn’t ask her what her question was, all of this turmoil wouldn’t be felt. I feel so stupid. She thinks this is the answer to my suicidality by going forward being transgendered. I have no idea what the hell it means. Just changing my damn name seems like a hassle. And it’s not that I am changing it drastically to something else. I don’t know. You think about these things but you never think them all the way through. If I had the support of my family, maybe things might be different. But they can’t even handle my homosexuality. How in the world are they going to handle me being a man? I might as well just end up six feet under. It will be better for everyone. When the truth hits the fan, if my book is ever published, maybe then it will be easier to kill myself.
Tag: female to male
TG issues: Suicidal Mind
In my suicidal mind, I think about death because I feel trapped. I feel trapped because I am stuck in a female’s body where my mind thinks I am a male. I feel like a male because it has always been that way. Ever since I was little, I knew I was different. Every night I prayed that I would grow a penis but I never did. This dream continued well into my 30’s. Then I woke up one day and realized it was never going to happen. The heartbreak then began.
I spent almost the entire part of my adult life trying to kill myself because I hated myself that bad. I hated having breasts, female ovaries, and having menses. It wasn’t until I realized that my menses were the real problem causing my suicidal thoughts every month. It was the constant monthly reminder that I wasn’t a male. And it had to be stopped before I took my own life. Not only were the hormones putting me into a pre-menstrual dysphoria, it made me purely suicidal and this in turn made me very dangerous. With each passing month, the suicidal thoughts got worse and my suicidal plans got more lethal. I tried to tell my doctors that I was going to end my life. But then soon as I started bleeding, a switch went off and so did the suicidal feelings. As I realized this, and it wasn’t an overnight “ah ha” moment, I knew the key to saving my life was to stop the menses. Because otherwise, I was going to cease to exist.
When I saw a specialist that dealt with PMDD, she immediately placed me on birth control pills (BCP). Thus began my trial. It took almost six different kinds of pills to find the one that I am on now to stop my menses.. There was a point where I thought it was hopeless, that I was forever to be maimed a female. But since my menses have stopped completely for almost four months now, I feel a freedom. I can now where my boxers every day and not worry my menses are doing to return. They might but I am hoping not. Now if only there was a way to shrink my breast tissue so I can be flat chested.
My breasts are another source of my pain. They really provoke me into a suicidal rage when I see them. How I long for the day when I can be topless like men are during the summer or wear tank tops without fear of boobs coming out. I try very hard not to look at my chest but it is difficult because I always seem to look down. And that depresses me to no end. I hope one day I can afford the surgery so that I can be rid of these things. But then I wonder if I will be sad without them. They are after all, been apart of me for a long time. And once they are gone, I can’t have them back. But they bring me so much misery I think it will be a happy kind of sadness where they won’t provoke suicidal impulses.
I am a male trapped in a female’s body. And it sucks big time. But once my menses were no longer happening and I didn’t have the hormonal shifts anymore, the suicidal stuff started fading. I never made the connection of menses and suicide before and I am glad I didn’t because if I didn’t I doubt I would still be here. Now if only I can get rid of my chest things that will make me even less suicidal.
So if I ever die by my own hand, know that it was due to me being trapped in the wrong body. That it wasn’t because I felt hopeless or abandoned or any other theory on suicide. It was because my psychological pain was too great to bear and unfortunately, there are no pills to decrease this kind of pain. There is no anodyne therapy that exists to decrease psychache.
moments 2
Moments
There have been many moments where I find myself thinking about suicide and moments where I wanted to act upon them very badly. Right now is one of those moments. I am suffering under a heavy coat of depression caused by physical pain and now mental pain because my body has gone back into female mode and I have my menses again. I wish I could say that I like it but I don’t. It kills me when I get it. I just feel so empty and despairing and there is no one I can talk to about it. I know I should seriously just end my life and leave people wondering why because that will be easier than trying to tell them I killed myself because I am in the wrong body. Even though I have tried to explain myself to a couple of people I still get called the “proper” pronoun and gender pronoun given this biological body. I must be crazy thinking that I am a male. And it hurts. I am hurting because I cannot get away from my menses. They can put a man on the moon yet they cannot stop this hurt. WTF. I was hoping it was just spotting but the true colors came out as I went to the bathroom just a few minutes ago. Just lovely. Here I am trying to finish my book and now I got to deal with this? I really just want to die. It’s bad enough that I have pain, physical pain that is so putting me over the top. But no one believes me when I tell them I want to be a male. My psychiatrist that I have known forever still calls me a “her”. I don’t tell her it bothers me because I am afraid that I will break down. I have never stood up for myself. Even when my father called me “his daughter”, I wanted to scream at him that I was really his son. I took a lot of meds tonight to deal with my pain, this was before my little trip to the bathroom. I am starting to feel the effects of the pain meds and muscle relaxers. Moments like these I wish I took too much. But I can’t risk having my mother or sister find my body in that state. It would devastate them to no end. Not like my death won’t do that to them anyways, but it’s better to remember me some other way. I am a transgender and that is why I want to die. I don’t think anyone can help me with this. I am too far gone. I am too far developed. But if only my menses could be stopped permanently would I not think about suicide all the time. Meds are kicking in really fast so I will end here. And unfortunately, I know that I will wake up tomorrow. That is truly a pity. I don’t want to wake up tomorrow or any other day. My life revolves around stuff that I don’t want it to be. Now I have to keep track of the bleeding and when it started and I just don’t want to. I just want to die. I just don’t want to exist anymore. Why is that so hard for anyone to understand that I would be better off dead. My psychiatrist would want me to call her right now but it’s 1 o’clock in the morning and I don’t want to bother her with my mundane argument. We have had these go rounds before and they usually, almost always, result in me going to the hospital for more mundane treatment. Moments like this, I wish there was a switch that could just end my life. And poof I will be gone…
fuck its
Feeling wicked distraught right now. I have breakthrough bleeding and it just kicked up my fuckits big time. I don’t know why this keeps happening. I am on the patch and I am hoping it doesn’t last more than a few days but I am really tired of this crap. I know that it’s the natural law of things for a woman but I am not a woman. I am a man and this thing just messes with my head. Now the suicidal tendencies have returned and I don’t like it one bit. I am so overwhelmed right now. I don’t know what to do.
Every time this happens, I feel like a little piece of me dies. The one wish that I could truly live as a man without menses is never going to be fulfilled. I am having cramps so that can’t be good. I just feel cursed. I know it is because I am in my fourth week of the patch. It’s almost like my body is saying you are going to bleed anyways and I don’t care what kind of hormones you throw at me. I guess I will just have to take a break from the patch this week and see what happens. I will have to go back to wearing woman’s underpants and feminine products. This saddens me to no end. I could cry right now.
midnightdemons7 
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