I was pushing for 0200 to go to sleep but i had to pee and then brush my teeth as my mouth felt yucky.  I haven’t brushed in two days so i really needed to get rid of the yuck.

Pain has been keeping me up. Started with my metatarsals and then moved up to my ankle bones. I took extra meds and 1200 mg of neurontin. It hurt so bad, not as bad as it was last week. I figure I would write as sleep isn’t coming just yet. I am really tired. I’ve been playing with my phone. Making grocery lists for tomorrow, making a coping plan on one of the apps I downloaded. Dr. Jobes is supposed to come out with a mobile app. I can’t wait.

I’ve been fighting the suicidal urges. I can’t help it as I feel so rotten and hopeless. Pain is really bringing me down. I’ve posted my distress on Twitter but no one has said anything. 

I printed put the RMV forms for name change and stuff. I don’t need a letter from my doc to give to them. I do need to being some bank statements and stuff to prove who I am. Which reminds me, I nees to call the cable company to change my name. I hope I can do it online. To change everything on my license will be about $75, I think. 

I still need to call HR at my work place to find put when I will be getting an updated insurance card. I just need the one for prescriptions so i can change it at the pharmacy. So many things needing changing.

Dammit, my bone pain in my foot is back. I’m not going to sleep tonight. Ao much for wanting to do one errand later today. Maybe I will in the late afternoon. 

I am ordering some stuff from Amazon. I saw a body pillow that converts into a nice back pillow and arm rest so you can read. It is $60. Hope it is worth it. I’ll get it next week, hopefully. My online grocery order keeps going up and down. I order stuff then take it off. I really want to make a spinach, egg, cheese, and bacon sandwich or burrito. I still haven’t made a burrito since I’ve been home from the hospital. I jist have been in too much pain to cook.

Painsomnia is the worst. My foot feels so awful right now and i can’t take anymore meds. I am going to try and sleep now and see if I will be successful. Wish me luck!

trans issues and other things on a Friday

Trans Issues and other things on a Friday

I was having lunch with my mother this afternoon. She had made tuna and I was having some with crackers. As I had made my decision to change my name soon, I thought I would tell her that. She seemed okay with me changing my name so I went a little further and told her I was trans. She asked what I meant and I said that I am a man in a female body. I also said that I plan on going forward with getting hormones so I could be a man. She seemed okay with it. I was overjoyed. I went up to her and said, are you okay with me being a man? She said, you dress like one anyway.

I felt such relief, my head was spinning. I texted everyone and then wrote on Twitter. I got a lot of responses that were supportive. I still can’t believe my mother, who I was convinced hated me, said the words, “I just want you to be happy”. My sister sent me the most supportive message, which is what I needed to hear because my mood has been so dark lately.

After lunch, I went to my room and tried to write a blog solely on the transgender issue but pain interrupted that. I tried napping to ease it and my foot/ankle cramped up. I didn’t want to take an Ativan because I really didn’t want to sleep so heavy or feel out of it, like the Neurontin is making me. I took some magnesium supplements and waited a few hours. I went down to the basement to fetch my dirty gravy and some frozen dinners. Tomorrow I will heat up the gravy and make some pasta for lunch.

I don’t know why my pain is so damn high. All I did was shower and make breakfast. I made oatmeal pancakes, which I have had in a while. They were good, even though I forgot to put sugar in the batter. But that is why you use syrup. I also made coffee, which was good as I used spring water rather than tap and boiled it in a pan rather than the tea kettle. I wanted to see if there would be a different taste and there was. The downside was that because I used the amount of water for the cup, it wasn’t enough for the coffee so the coffee was a bit strong, good though. I needed it to get me through the fog I was in.

A friend of mine is reading my Darkness Always Wins book. I guess I didn’t edit it too well as she found some typos. She is going to read the book and then edit it for me. I can always upload changes to the book. I sent her the word doc for the book so she will get back to me when she is done reading it. She said she is advertising my book to anyone that might be interested in it. I thought that was sweet of her. The sales haven’t been so great on this book so any advertising would be awesome.

don’t call me daughter

Don’t call me daughter

Just recently, I was discharged from the hospital because of a suicide attempt. The self hate of being in the wrong body grew to unbelievable proportions. I hated my body, myself, my breasts, and my menstrual cycle. I just couldn’t take it anymore. The self-loathing I felt was unimaginable. I don’t know what set me off. That was one of the first questions I was asked when I was in the hospital but it was a cascade of everything in my life from being disabled to being transgender. I didn’t care anymore. I still don’t. I don’t want to live my life in a hole anymore. Sure, I talk about being transgender on my blog but my mother doesn’t know. She will NEVER accept me for being her son. And that hurt is what drives me to suicide. I’d rather die as her daughter than as her son.

remaining question

I had to ask her the remaining question she had for me at the end of session Thursday. I could have just let it be but no, curiosity got the better of me. And I knew it was going to be an unpleasant subject: my being transgender. The question was how did I see myself moving forward. Trouble is, I don’t see how I am going to go forward. I will never be a son to my parents nor a brother to my sisters. And that hurts. She is probably the only person in the world that sees me as a guy. I have one friend that sees me that way but I don’t see him often enough. I feel so torn because I was brought up as a girl and I keep thinking to myself I am crazy because I am a boy. I asked her the question and now I am all torn up about what to do with the answers. What is worse, she brought up my suicidality and I feel that it has been stirred up again. I truly rather die than try to “fight” as a male. I even begun to call myself a “her” though it is so idiosyncratic. It doesn’t even jibe with what I feel. I just figure I will die some day and that will be that. But my book is coming out and soon the world will know I am a guy, a “he” not a “she”. Yet, I know it is because of the things on my chest that are truly defining me not my mentality. How I wish I could just lob them off, for good. Maybe I should have gone to medical school just to learn a little bit about surgery. Too late now.
I had to ask the question and I won’t talk to her again till Wednesday. It’s only 48 hrs. But I will be wrestling with my suicidality until then. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know who will understand. And my crazy cousin will be calling me soon to discuss his anxiety problems. I think I am going to tell him tonight that I am a male. Maybe he won’t talk to me again. Maybe he will think I went off my rocker. I won’t tell him about being suicidal. He doesn’t like talk like that. But then he has known me all my life as a female and calls me such. I don’t know what to do. Why this has to be so fucking difficult. Yet I know that if I didn’t ask her what her question was, all of this turmoil wouldn’t be felt. I feel so stupid. She thinks this is the answer to my suicidality by going forward being transgendered. I have no idea what the hell it means. Just changing my damn name seems like a hassle. And it’s not that I am changing it drastically to something else. I don’t know. You think about these things but you never think them all the way through. If I had the support of my family, maybe things might be different. But they can’t even handle my homosexuality. How in the world are they going to handle me being a man? I might as well just end up six feet under. It will be better for everyone. When the truth hits the fan, if my book is ever published, maybe then it will be easier to kill myself.