Tag: grief

trouble writing and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

trouble writing and other things

Today’s Daily word Prompt was “Brick”. I had a vague idea of how I was going to write about this word, but it never materialized. I checked to see if the story I wrote about brick walls was published and it was. A lot has changed since I published that story almost two years ago.

I was set to write about “brick” at Starbucks. I must have stared at the notepad for twenty minutes before I decided to give it up. The story should have been written when I was thinking about it. I should have written some notes or something. Now the email will get filed in my WP Prompt folder. This folder has the word prompts that I mean to write about when I get a chance to really think of something to write.

I feel pretty good today. I went to my appointment. She was late, as usual, but she did print out my prescription before she came to the exam room. I told her about my Achilles. She wanted an X-ray of my ankle so I didn’t say anything about it being useless. An MRI would give better detail, unless there is a foreign body in my ankle. She thinks it’s just inflammation but she is having me see an ankle specialist anyway. She said that office should call me sometime next week. We’ll see about that. The last time my PCP’s office said that a specialist was going to call me, they never did. I had to call them.

I am guessing my copays for my medications are free now. This is the second time I didn’t have a copay. Next week I need to refill most of my meds. It’s going to be fun to see what I have to pay for and what I don’t. All my meds are generics but some cost more than others. It’s kind of stupid because I am not paying for the brand name so I don’t understand why, for example, the Zoloft is $2 but my trileptal is $20. BOTH are generics yet there is a huge difference in price.

I talked about the possibility of talking with a grief counselor and the NP said that would be a good idea. Now I really need to find her card. I think I know where it is hiding. Maybe she can help me finish writing the essay as I will be seeing her in person. I keep thinking about when I last gave my father the medication for his secretions. I keep wondering if his breathing had changed to the point where the end was closer and I just wasn’t paying attention to it. He died approximately a half hour later. And even if his breathing did change, what was I supposed to do? It’s not like I was going to perform CPR or something to prolong his life. It just haunts me and I can’t get the image out of my head. Mostly because that was the last time I saw my father alive.

done nothing I wanted to do

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Done nothing I wanted to do

After I wrote my previous blog, I played with my bibliography program, entering the book that I was going to start reading as well as exporting the citation of the article that I want to get when I become a member of AAS again. I let my membership lapse because it was and is expensive. I mostly was a member so I could get the journal and still be somewhat connected with the field. After I entered all this information, it kind of made me tired. Data entry is not my strong point. I know people that love inputting stuff in worksheets but it has never been my thing. I should have taken a nap but I wasn’t really tired like I am now. Then I tried reading the chapter I wanted to read and I couldn’t even open the book. My mind kept on fixating on other things. I also could not get into a reading mood, which didn’t help.

Then I thought of typing up the stuff I wrote while in the hospital just to get it out of the way. I became paralyzed. I just couldn’t get off my bed to get to my backpack to retrieve the notepad. I didn’t want to read what I wrote. I didn’t want the “movie” to start over again. So I did nothing. I watched a couple of Friends episodes. They weren’t really funny but I laughed at some parts.

I have been fighting cramps in my side the past few hours. I took an Ativan and you would think that would cause me to nap and settle down, but nope. It took care of the cramps but nothing else. I did start to get tired around 1800 but that is my normal sleepy period. Every day I fight the tireds at that particular hour. I don’t know why. But I know that if I fall asleep, I am up all night. So I fight it at least until I take my night meds. Then I can go to bed. I think I am going to take my night meds early tonight because I feel like a piece of shit. I have done nothing, nothing at all, and it is bothering me. It is making me feel suicidal that is how bad I feel. I texted my therapist. I didn’t get a response back. I really wasn’t expecting one back. I wish she would acknowledge some of my texts so I know that she read them. But nope. I don’t have that kind of text relationship with her.

I also have been so lazy, I haven’t looked for the grief counselor’s card. I found my father’s GI doc’s card. I tossed that out. I won’t be needing her services again. I think I still have the note that the lab my father had his blood drawn in on my bureau. I have been meaning to toss it but I haven’t for whatever reason.

I bought a bunch of Ensure before I went into the hospital. Now that I have my appetite back, I am wondering if I should return them. I kind of don’t because they will be handy when I want to have something to “eat” but don’t feel like making myself something. Or on days when I don’t eat as much. Only time will tell if my appetite is here to stay or not. I could go on a liquid diet for a while to lose some more weight but that will be tricky. I would have to do math and I really am not up to it. I know if I drink at least 4 bottles, that is around 1400 calories, which is ideal for weight loss. I would just have to spread them out so I am not starving myself. I will run this idea by my psychiatrist and see what she thinks. She probably will not like it much but I really want to lose another fifteen pounds. I am so close to my target.

I am going to try the lidocaine cream on my Achilles lump just to see if it helps with the pain. It’s supposed to be odorless so I hope it doesn’t smell. My left ankle/foot is bothering me so I will be taking pain meds for it. I wish it helped with the lump pain but it doesn’t. I am guessing it’s because the pain is so acute and severe it just won’t touch it. Hopefully the lidocaine will.

Down Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Down Day

I went to Starbucks early this morning. I was hungry and wanted a latte. I should have rested as my thigh is still sore from the fall the other day but I didn’t want to stay at home all day. I wrote in my journal an update of what has transpired the past month as it has been a month since I last wrote in it. It was the day after I found out my father had a few days to a week to live. A lot has happened since then. After writing, I felt down. I really feel sad about things.

I came home because after writing, it was time to leave to catch the next bus home. Now I am in my room and I just feel this tremendous sadness. Things that I collected from my father’s apartment have been on my bed for the past few weeks. I finally placed them in an envelope so I wouldn’t see them anymore. I had a picture book of photos of my father’s family that I made him one year. I decided to keep it because I made it and it has some of my favorite photos in it. Just makes me sad that most of the people in the book are gone now, including my father.

I have to go out tomorrow and I don’t want to unless I can leave in my PJs. I don’t think I can do that, though I would love to. I will just wear my sweatpants rather than my jeans. I have the weekend to stay at home. And then I will have a busy Monday and Tuesday. I don’t think I am going to see my therapist next week. I will see her the following week. It’s strange not having anything to do with my father. It’s like I suddenly have all this free time again to do whatever I want to do. I have a couple of projects that I need to do in my room. One is clearing off my bed so I can change the sheets. There is one corner of my bed that just accumulates stuff. I don’t know how it happens and every time I change my sheets I swear to myself it won’t happen again. But it does. I don’t get it.

Last night, I stayed up pretty late, like 0330 late. I was watching NetFlix and I just couldn’t sleep after watching an episode of Friends. Then I went on Twitter and there was a guy that played in SG1 and the Beautiful Mind. I figured I would watch that movie as I haven’t watched it in a while. Turns out, you needed to be in the DVD club to get the DVD. I was so pissed. This is the second movie that I wanted to watch but couldn’t because it wasn’t available. I guess NetFlix is fine for TV shows but terrible for DVD. I am not spending an additional $8 a month for this club. I will take my DVD watch it, then cancel the service. If I want a DVD, I will buy it on Amazon.

I finally found out what chapter to read in the “Risk Management with Suicidal Patients” book that I bought several months ago. I plan on reading it this afternoon. I might blog about it later if it’s worthy of writing about. It’s a chapter on the ethical side of standards of care for suicidal patients. It’s something that I haven’t read before. Jobes talks a little about it in his book on Managing Suicidal Risk but I never paid that much attention because I am not a clinician. Yesterday on Twitter, there was a presentation of basically how to avoid malpractice suits. The key concept is, of course, good documentation. That is why I love the SSF (Suicide Status Form). It has all your documentation needs right there. There is no need, in my opinion, for more. The Risk management book has both inpatient and outpatient guidelines by pretty much the same authors. And these authors are the big wigs in the suicidology field.

I need to write a letter of thanks to the Hospice group for all they have done for us the day my father died. I have been meaning to write it for a while now but I had other things to take care of that I just haven’t gotten around to it. I have been meaning to call the grief social worker to talk to her but I don’t know what I did with her card. I’ll talk to my psychiatrist on Monday about talking with her, just to get her input. This has been really hard on me because of my depression issues. It’s hard to tease away the grief from the depression that I always feel.

Post 1755

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Post 1755

Before I left for the hospital, one of my lights blew out. I decided to change both bulbs at the same time so that I could gauge when they needed to be changed next. I didn’t realize how bright two 60 watt green lights would be. They are the ones that are energy efficient so not your typical 60 watt bulbs. I sometimes have to change to my single lamp as the brightness is overwhelming.

I had therapy today. We got caught up with the hospital and where I was. I talked about how triggering the essay I am writing is. I am not sure I will type it up today. I am kind of in a somewhat okay mood and don’t want to feel sad by reading or remembering what happened. I told her about the fall I took yesterday as I am sore today. My left thigh and right knee hurt. I think I might have sprained my right foot but it’s not bothering me like it did last night. I really took a dinger from that step. There should have been a warning there was a step. Usually they paint the step so you have some warning. Nope. Unreal. I am just glad I didn’t break anything or hurt myself. I would have been at the bottom of a stairwell where no one would have seen me.

We talked for a half hour into session and then I thought time was up. I didn’t realize we still had like twenty minutes left. We talked about the grief a little bit and about how I don’t have happy memories of my father. It wasn’t like he made an effort to be a part of my life and I didn’t make an effort to be a part of his. I don’t know who lost more. My therapist said that I will always grieve the loss of a dad that I never had. I think that is why I haven’t cried a good cry since he died. I kind of wish he wanted to buried in the ground just so there would be some closure and maybe some visitation. But all we have are ashes. It’s not the same thing.

I wrote to a friend that I think the increase in sertraline is helping with my depression as I am eating better and have interest in baseball again. Past few days, I have been watching or keeping tabs more with the Sox. I don’t think I told my therapist this. I still am in awe that I watched a complete game (entire 9 innings) this weekend. I also watched 11 innings the following day. Sox won both games. I missed Don and Jerry very much. Jerry was there but the new guy, Dave, doesn’t have the chemistry, yet. I am used to Dave being on the radio. I haven’t listened to the radio since the end of last season. They have a new guy announcing the play by play. I think his name is either Tim or Jim Neverett. I am just glad Joe Castig is still announcing on the radio. I like him.

I am glad I was able to take what I normally take in the morning rather than what the hospital was giving me. I was still sleepy because I woke up at 0500. I had to pee. It took a little while to get back to sleep and then I was done for. I tried taking a nap around 1130 and then panicked thinking I overslept for my appointment with my therapist. I didn’t. I am glad I am waking around 0500 rather than 0300. Those two hours of sleep mean so much. I also went to bed later than I did when I was in the hospital. While I was in, I went to bed before 2300 most nights. It was rare for me to be awake past that hour, even if I took an evening nap. Unlike when I take an evening nap at home, I am up till 0200.

Just came up the stairs from my sister’s apt and my thigh is thanking me severely. On my bad foot, I didn’t realize I stepped on some paint chips. They were stuck to my foot where I can’t feel. I am glad I checked my feet for debris before putting them in my bed. I am just going to rest for the evening as much as possible. Stair climbing and descending hurts too much. I must have really pulled a muscle when I tripped over that step. I don’t have anything to do tomorrow so I can lay low. I should have laid low today but I wanted a mocha so bad. I was feening for Starbucks after a week of not having their coffee or lattes.