Tag: hopelessness

cold and rainy day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, suicide, transgender

Just had my session with my therapist and now I feel really down. I thought that talking about the week’s events would help but instead it just brought me down. I am supposed to go out tonight to have dinner with friends. I really don’t feel up to it. I can make the excuse of my foot bothering me but I need to go out. I have to stop spending so much time at home.

I don’t know how I became such a hermit. I guess having nothing to do all day will do that. I need to take a shower today. I have decided that I will take one every other day. I took a pain pill and now all I want to do is sleep.

I finished my paper for the AAS blog. I still don’t know when it will get published. I am hoping it will soon. I am really worked hard on this paper to get the word out on what it means to be in a collaborative therapy.

It’s cold and windy and rainy today. I really don’t want to go out in this weather. I just hate it. And I know it is only going to get colder tonight.

Just read on twitter that the Associated Press’s twitter account got hacked and sent reports that the White House got bombed. People are so fucking stupid. I don’t understand why they have to hack people’s accounts. I just don’t see the fun in it at all. Then I read in my support group, yahoo is still fucked up. They still haven’t fixed their hacking. Only way to do it is by telling them your account has been compromised to change your password to a strong one.

Tonight is difficult. I am in pain emotionally and physically. I got the stupid menses tonight. I thought I was bleeding but didn’t know for sure. Now I know and I hate it. I can’t stand being in this predicament. I hate having to wear women’s clothes again because boxer short just can’t hold feminine products. I am beside myself with anger that this has happened, again. I got to call the damn endo doc tomorrow and be like WTF!!! Just when I thought everything was going back to normal again and I could progress to my transgender issues this sets me back! I am so pissed…

scary day

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt

I am in a state of shock. Two police officers were shot early this morning by the Marathon bombers. One of the suspects is dead and the other is on the loose. They were brothers. I can’t watch the news anymore because I am afraid something dreadful is going to happen. The apartment they have found explosives in their apartment. I just hope that it is not booby trapped of any kind. There was also a shoot out this morning and I am hoping suspect number 2 is hurt. They found a large blood stain on a house in one of the cities in lock down. But still this person is at large and I don’t know if the police really know where the suspect is hiding or where he is. News reporters are not saying that, just that police are blocking off the streets for public safety.

I am kind of scared that this is happening. One if the cities is the next town over from me. I know exactly where the street is they are talking about because I have been on the main street where it is off of many times. It is not far from Cambridge city Hospital. I don’t know if that hospital is on alert. It should be.

Because I don’t have a car, I am stuck in my house. Not that I would be going anywhere anyways. The cities are in lockdown almost. I am hoping the guy doesn’t come into my city. But it looks like he still is on the outskirts of town, possibly. No one knows for sure.

Then a guy down the street started up his motorcycle and I thought it was gunfire! I have been a wreck ever since. I am so scared of a bomb going off near me and hearing it would just kill me. I fear for those law enforcement officers who have come from neighboring towns and the state police and FBI agents that are going through every piece of evidence they are getting from the suspects house. I just hope that there are no booby traps and everyone comes out safely. There are already two officers hurt, one killed by the fuckers. Least one suspect is dead. No we just got to get the younger one.

just feeling sad

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain

Been feeling a lot of emotions the past few days. I can’t help wondering if maybe some medication at this point will help as I am crying for the incoming support because I am happy and then cry when I hear about the poor mother whose daughter was misidentified and now has to mourn her daughter. I am crying for the eight year old who just wanted peace in the world and his mother and sister who are still critically injured. I am crying as I write this. I just can’t help it. Nothing like this has ever happened in my city before. I feel like it is 9-11 all over again. But the support from my Boys, The Boston Red Sox, has been tremendous. They will be going on the field tonight with black armbands. The Yankees, our hated rivals, will be holding a moment of silence and then playing our song Sweet Caroline in the middle of the 3rd tonight. I couldn’t believe they did that. But I guess in tragedy we all come together and it is such a powerful feeling.

Today I had to take the T, our public transportation system because I had a doctor’s appt. At every Boston T stop, there were National Guardsmen and T Police everywhere. It was good to have their presence there but I couldn’t help but feel a little freaked out when a State trooper and two police officers swept the trolley car I was on.

My appointment did and didn’t go so well. I wasn’t happy that after all the resting that I have been doing, I still have tendonitis in my ankle, probably nerve related. I also have Complex Regional Pain Syndrome, which basically means I am fucked. My doc gave me some options but I think I am going to stay the course with oral meds. I am considering a lidocaine infusion but I want to read up on them before going through with it. I need the hard facts before I can invest something like that. I don’t want the infusion to numb me out and then when it wears off cause me mega pain. I don’t know how my PCP is going to take this. There is nothing more they can do. I am at my wits end on how to handle this. My first thoughts were to kill myself. I truly think that is going to be an option if I don’t have any pain relief. I just can’t imagine going on and on like this. I can’t work. I can’t walk. WTF am I going to do?

Boston Marathon Tragedy

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt

Today was starting to be a great day. My beloved Sox won again to sweep the Rays but then I changed the channel a few minutes later to find my home town was bombed at the Boston Marathon finish line. I have been going through tough emotions since. How dare someone do this on a day like today? Today is Patriot’s day in Boston. A day where we normally have our marathon and wait until the last runner from Hopkinton 26.2 miles away crosses the finish line. But today it was chaos. And my heart is broken. An eight year old lost her life because of someone’s hatred. She was one of the two dead at the scene. There are now as I am typing this 57 injured.

The streets they are talking about I once walked down proudly in my youth. I used to go to college around the corner from Copley, the marathon’s finish line. Every year that T stop closes. And now with the upcoming days, it will remain closed because the area is now a crime scene. How I wish the crime scene investigators of NY and Vegas and the Criminal Minds of the FBI were here to solve who did it. I bet we would have answers faster than we have them now. But that is television, where you get your answers in an hour. It’s been nearly fours since this has happened and no one is closer to finding out who did this. Cell phone reception in the area is cut off for fear of another bomb going off. Nobody is in custody. I doubt there will be if this was a professional hit. They probably already took off as the airports didn’t shut down until two hours later. But I ramble. I’m rambling because if I talk about my great city, I will start crying again.