Tag: hopelessness

A Blog About a Paper and Pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, CES, depression

Wrote a paper about suicide attempt survivor’s reaction after reading a research article about it. A friend wanted me to write about it but I am having a hard time because this research just justifies the fact that I should be dead by suicide yet I am not. This paper feeds into the feelings I have that I should not be living. My therapist also wants me to write this paper but from the perspective of what it means to be the exception and not the rule. Yet you cannot defy statistics. Statistically, I should be dead and that feeds my self destructiveness all the more.

Lately I have been thinking about my suicidal plan. It has been on my mind all week. The constriction – blinders – have begun to settle in on me. What does this mean? It means all that I am thinking about is ending my life. It is becoming my obsession. I am writing this on a notepad that I have had for a while now. In it there are two entries about how bad my life is with pain from LAST YEAR. There have been too many nights of pain. So despite the day being pain free, sort of, and my mood being slightly content, the night produces the midnight demons that are bringing me thoughts of self-destruction, of suicide.

Yet I feel that I am a hypocrite for belonging to an organization that is for understanding and preventing suicide. The premise is that if I learn about suicide and the more I learn, maybe it will decrease my urges. But everything that I learn goes out the window when the constriction is in high gear.

Like Mary Chapin Carpenter says, it don’t take much to be happy. But for me it’s like a hurdle. What makes me happy is having my Starbucks coffee at Starbucks, writing in my journal while there, and blog. The only problem is that this happiness doesn’t last. It doesn’t sustain me. Sometimes the feeling my therapist has for me makes me want to live because I know my death will bring her pain and sadness. That is not what I want to do. But I also don’t want to be trapped into living by bringing others joy just by me being alive. I can’t live just for others when I am suffering so much.

My therapist and I have been trying to get to the roots of my suicidality. Mostly what we came up with is that I felt like a burden to my family since I was eight. I started hearing voices when I was five. They have been my constant companion throughout my life. In addition, I was made a girl when I am a boy. That brought me great pain when I realized this. At age ten, I had my 1st suicide attempt – I tried to suffocate myself with a pillowcase. I just see life as pain and I so want to escape from that pain. No medication numbs it or relieves it and now that I am in physical pain, I feel like I am being punished for all the sins I ever committed. Despite asking for forgiveness, I am met with more pain.

Went to the Mary Chapin Carpenter concert last night. She was playing with Shawn Colvin. I didn’t like Shawn too much. All I heard from her was “blah, blah, blah”. I am still hyped from the concert, I’m blaring (softly as it is late) all of Mary Chapin’s albums.

When Mary Chapin played “the hard way” it was like she was telling me that I was on the right path but nothing comes easy. I listened to the concert with hope, sadness, and hopelessness. I was hoping MCC might change my mind but I realized I will let myself down if I don’t kill myself this year. It’s like what went on in 2005 when I planned everything but botched it up when I told my therapist (same one I have today). Now my therapist knows I have a date and that means it is going to be harder for me to go ahead with my plans. I don’t know why I feel I have to do this. I don’t. I can walk away from this and never go back but I will feel a form of defeat one feels when they break an internal promise to themselves.

I realized last night that part of the reason is because I don’t have confidence I’m always going to get my pain medication and that scares me. Because if I can’t get my pain pills, then I rather be dead. It’s not that I am saying I NEED the pills, I am saying that if my pain is not going to be taken seriously and treated with serious meds, I am going to kill myself. Because I cannot bear the thought of suffering and having pain flare up and not have anything to take. If Tylenol worked I would take it. If Ibuprofen worked, I wouldn’t need it. If ketoprofen helped, I wouldn’t need it. The only thing that helps is opioids.

So without my pain meds which have the affect of actually taking away some of my physical pain, I want to die. Yet I also want to die because I have chronic physical pain that makes me have to take pain medication. I guess I just feel that it’s not ok for me to get pain relief. I feel it is a hassle because I have to see my doctor every month and when the pain levels vary due to increase or decrease in activity for the month, I feel like I don’t deserve the meds. My doc gives them to me. He has never denied me my meds. Yet I fear that one day he will not for whatever reason. And that is the reason, well one of them anyways, why I feel I should be dead. I should just be dead. My pain cannot be cured. It cannot completely go away. I am sick of being in pain all the time. Sure the physical pain goes away with meds but the nerve pain does not. And that is what truly makes my life intolerable.

Ramblings 37: intent to die

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Been an early morning for me. I woke up at eight and my grocery delivery isn’t until eleven or so. I am hoping it is at eleven but they gave me a time frame of eleven to one. I saved a dollar by choosing this time.

I have been feeling pretty low the past few days. I don’t know why. I just have had a low mood of not wanting to do anything but have been forcing myself to do things. Today because I didn’t wake up with the horrible ankle pain, I am going to try and take a shower after the delivery and go out and get more coffee. I just had a cup but I know it’s not enough to keep me going. Besides I like to sit outside and read for a bit to make some headway on my book. The book is called “Team of Rivals” and it is about Lincoln’s political life and cabinet while in office. Right now I am reading the stuff that happened before he was chosen as the republican candidate for the 1860 election. I find it interesting that the author is talking in detail about the three other candidates, Seward, Bates, and Chase, men who later became members of his cabinet.

Other than reading, I plan on working on my book. I am hoping that if I read it through I can edit it and add stuff to it. Right now it just sounds like an essay of my life. I have not talked about the beginnings of my life. Just started at when I took my first serious overdose that landed me in the hospital. That is my starting point for me because it changed me profoundly. It didn’t help my suicidal feelings and I wanted to kill myself more than ever while I was in the hospital but it also changed my thinking so that I could deal with my suicidality and sort of live with it. There have been attempts after this, but they were not as serious as this one was. And there were plenty of hospitalizations after too. I was averaging at least two per year. Though there was a period where I did not go in the hospital, I have been hospitalized twice this past year and may need to go in again. I have been dreading it because they always mess up my meds. I like to take my meds in the evening, right before bed. But the stupid docs think that I take them in the morning and so they haul my ass out of bed while I am still asleep just for me to tell the Med Nurse to stuff it. It all gets sorted out the day I get discharged or the day before. Not much help there.

I am doing a back up recovery on my computer so I hope that I don’t lose this paper. I have not done this since I bought my laptop. And like I thought, when it finished it restarted the laptop. Glad I saved when I did. I get really mad when I lose a document.

My groceries have just been delivered and I should shower and get dressed but I just don’t feel like it right now. I feel like writing some more but not really sure where this rambling is leading to. Been thinking about what I said earlier about my serious suicide attempt versus my not so serious ones. What defines a serious one versus not? If you need medical attention and end up on a medical ward or the ICU, that is a serious attempt. If you just take a few pills and feel woozy, that is less serious or if you slice your wrist and need stitches but did not intend to die. The key word is intent to die. There are a lot of people who try to take their life without the intention of ending their life. They just wanted to end the pain and if it meant they died than so be it. But then there are people who do the same dangerous things with the intent to die. It’s a slippery slope.

There have been a few times I have been put in the hospital because I cut my wrist. I didn’t intend to die, I just cut a little deeper than I wanted and needed some stitches. Sometimes I have been able to talk my way out of getting hospitalized because when I cut, I do not intend to die. I just want to relieve the pressure of my feelings. Then there are times when I want to overdose on something and that will lead me to a hospitalization. A couple of times I have told the hospital staff that I wanted to jump in front of a train. But that seems to scary for me. I don’t know if I will be able to do it. I once rehearsed it, not really jumping in the tracks but jumping from a height that was similar to the tracks. I also timed where would be the train coming in the fastest. I rode the trains a long time to sort out things but I never tried jumping.

I hope that this is making sense. I know these are just thoughts that are just coming off the top of my head. But isn’t that how all writers write?

Post Marathon feelings part 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt

Boston had a good sports night. All three teams won, Bruins (hockey), Celtics (basketball), and Red Sox (baseball). I feel pretty good that they won. I also am amazed that people with my condition have a resilience that goes deeper than the injury of cauda equina syndrome. A friend of mine is going to have surgery to close her stoma for the bladder that she has had for the past several years. Her doctor thinks that because of MRSA it is not closing properly so it needs to be debrided. So far she seems to be in good spirits but I know I would be in a different place having to deal with that. I can’t imagine what she is going through but I understand it.

I am still having a hard time with the bombing attack on my city. Today, three more people were arrested in connection with the bombings. I thought it was over but it is not. I don’t know when it will end. Tonight the Red Sox gave up five home runs and each of them were considered “bombs” and I just shuttered. I can’t even hear the word anymore without it taking me back to what happened just two weeks ago. I had to unfollow one of my tweets because they were just scaring me. It was like every feed had a new twist in the bombings. I wish they didn’t have to be so public about. I wish the media would tone down the story just a bit. It can make you crazy, like I am just thinking about it. My dreams are still filled with remnants of the bombings. I can’t listen to a motorcycle without thinking it’s gunfire. My brain just can’t shut off unless I am heavily drugged some nights but that is because the pain in my leg hurts so bad.

The other night I really wanted to do some damage to it. And I don’t mean roughing it up. I wanted to take a razor and slice it open, hoping that the part that is swollen would have some release and would ooze out. But I know medically it is probably deeper than superficial and I would have to cut deep and probably would end up really hurting my tendon that way. But the thought of doing it calms me down. I can imagine what it might feel like and feel the blood dripping, if at all. Since I have decreased sensation I wonder if I will really feel any of these things or if I don’t, I will feel it later when the nerve messages reaches my brain like when I stub my foot. It can take over an hour for it to hit me. And then I am like WTF is that. Then I remember I hit my foot. Doesn’t make any sense I know but that is what I have to live with.

Totally random thoughts: I had a craving today for chips and salsa with guacamole. It was pretty good but now I am thinking how to keep the guac from turning brown. I am glad I have google to help me with this.

the baseball game and depression

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

I woke up early this morning. I only had six hours of sleep. I tried to go back to sleep but I couldn’t. I even took meds to make me sleepy and I am still awake. I keep on having the same bad dream over and over. I wish I knew what it was about but it eludes me.

Tonight I am going to the Red Sox game. They are playing the Astros. First time that they are playing them in the American League as the Astros were on the National League until this year. The record is opposite of ours, 7-14. I hope we whip their ass tonight. I haven’t been to Fenway in so long. It is going to be awesome going back there.

I plan on getting my hair cut today. I have nothing better to do than to do that. It has been a month since my last cut and it is pretty long, longer than I like. Hopefully after the cut I will feel better. I still feel down in the dumps despite having excitement for the baseball game. I am kind of worried that my ankle is going to be messed up but that is ok. I will have a few days to rest it afterwards. Already my ankle is throbbing. I hope it doesn’t get any worse.

I have been meaning to write about my songs and what they mean to me. I still have not done that. I just don’t feel like writing these days and it gets me down. I feel like I have to write something emotional to feel better but it has not happened in quite a long time. It’s like I am guarded but I don’t know why I am so guarded. I have tried free association but it only gets me so far. I have not even written in my journal the past few days because I have the fuck its. I wish I was talking with my therapist today but she is busy and only spending half a day in the office. It is frustrating for me because we normally have a 13:30 appointment and today we don’t because her child has a half day at school. Which messes up both our schedules. I can’t see her and she can’t see me. GGRRRR But I already saw her twice this week so I should be ok. I am to text her updates on things. I think after the ball game I might go into the hospital. I just feel like I need something extra, to be in the land of security. I just hope that I don’t get set off to McLean again. I like it there but they really mess up my meds big time and no matter how many times I tell them how I take them don’t fix it until I get discharged. Besides that, having your menses while inpatient is no fun. Not saying that having them is, but it just is a hassle because you share a common bathroom and there isn’t a waste basket near you so you have to go out after doing your business with your product to throw it away. It just sucks. I wish I could say I will go in after my menses but I don’t know when the menses will stop.

Just came home from the game. I should be happy that I was at Fenway. I should be happy my boys won 7-2. I should be happy that I ate a Fenway Frank. But I am not. I am so depressed that you can feel that ache. I feel like crawling under a rock and staying there for an eternity. I don’t know why I feel like this. Nothing happened to make me feel like this. My ankle is wicked sore and painful but it’s nothing that I can’t handle. It is not unbearable. What is unbearable is the ache in my chest that won’t go away. I just feel so downhearted it’s not funny. And worse of all is that there is nothing I can do to stop it from hurting. There is no pill I can take to make it go away. Tonight I am wishing for death and hoping it comes and takes me away.