Tag: hopelessness

psychache and therapy

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain

Woke up this morning in pain again. I couldn’t stand it. I tried getting in touch with my therapist to have a session to deal with this pain. But couldn’t get in touch with her till after I took my really strong pain pills. I had to break the cycle as it’s been almost ten days now that I have had this pain and nothing seems to be calming it down. I know once the weather decides to stay at a normal temp I will be happy. My brother in law just put in the A/C so my room should be 50 degrees in another hour or so. I hate being this miserable. I really wanted my Isla Flores today but I couldn’t go out because the really strong pain meds put me out and I would be stupid all day. I slept till about an hour before my therapy appt. My therapist finally texted me a time we could meet.

I wish I could say that it went well but it just left me feeling depressed and hopeless. We did a psychache scale and it was 50 something, which is high but not as high as she was expecting. The whole thing just bummed me out because I know I am in dire straights and she knows I am going to kill myself in a few months. She is trying to lessen the ache to lessen the suicide/press. But I don’t think you can do that without first dealing with my physical pain which is the cause of all of this. I can’t help but think that if I didn’t have chronic physical pain, I would be somehow ok and might want to live. I might actually use my brain to get a grant to get back to school. I am just eight classes short of my degree. That is two semesters full time. I probably won’t be able to go full time because it will cause major psych issues but I can go at least half time. I will beat doing nothing all day. But I rather just focus on my death.

I want to die because it is my only option right now. I can’t think straight with this pain and I know you shouldn’t kill yourself when you are suicidal but I am not per se suicidal. I am just thinking about ending my life and planning a means towards that ends. I feel rational about this. Nothing about this feels wrong. Sure I can go on living in misery but I am choosing not to. I know my family will not understand. No family would. But I am tired of being in pain. I am tired of the endless, sleepless nights of agony I feel every single night. The burning. The stabbing. The zaps. I can’t take it anymore. Just knowing that I have a plan gives me comfort in that I won’t have to suffer anymore.

I told my therapist today that I will have to hurt her. She refuses to stop treating me. I can’t make her go away. I have tried to give her an out so she doesn’t have to be around me when I do this but she refuses. Today she was talking about some therapist that believes in psychache as resilience. I really have no idea what she was talking about and neither did my therapist. She gave me her name but I don’t remember it. I think it would be interesting to see her but I don’t have time. Then my therapist says that she wants me to see a consultant again. I don’t know what he will want to do other than tell me he doesn’t want me to die. She asked me today if she could talk with my psychiatrist and I said sure. There is nothing you two can do to stop me from my plans. If I don’t do it in a few months I will do it on my original date. I have until then to change my mind. But the way things are going, I don’t think I can change my mind. I just took another strong pain pill, my second of the day. Maybe two will work this time and tomorrow I can get my Isla Flores. I have not been out of the house all weekend. I think tomorrow will be a good time to get out.

RAMBLING 40

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, suicide, suicide attempt

There have been many times in the past few days with this pain cycle I am going through that I have wanted to just throw in the towel. but then I can’t be there for my mom and that bothers me. I hate to think that if I wasn’t here on Tuesday, if I had gone to Framingham like I was hoping, I would have lost my mother. I know my sisters would never forgive me. I just feel with this much pain I just can’t fucking cope. How can you cope with this shit. this shit is so fucking tough to deal with. I take my meds and I usually get knocked out. I took them today as if they were nothing. I am still coherent and not drunk but my foot is still rearing its ugly head saying I am still here and you can’t do nothing to touch me. i just took my second round and i am wondering if i am going to sleep tonight. Ice just made my foot numb but then the feeling came back worse. And yet I still have to live and put on a happy face because I can walk “correctly” and look good to people. Fuck that shit. I am done being the nice guy. I will tell people I am struggling but I never mention suicide. I told my friend in the UK my plan and all she can say is don’t do anything silly. What am i supposed to do? I can’t cut my foot off, though I would love to. at least with the possible phantom pain I will have a reason for the pain and maybe welcome it better. I don’t know. what I am reading about suicide doesn’t cover chronic physical pain. I took a psychache assessment today but couldn’t finish it because my head can’t distinguish my physical from psychache. I have no idea if I am making sense or if i am rambling so I will stop here.

Hot and muggy

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging

Hot and muggy

It’s a very warm day in Boston today. I am sweating and not liking this heat very much. I have not done anything except edit my book and talk to my therapist. She wants me to do a SSF, suicide status form as “the situation calls for it.” I could care less at this point. I am just so pissed off. I didn’t want to talk to her today. I should have canceled but I know she would have called me anyways.

Since finding out my date, she has been acting like a total psycho. I guess the date has some significance for her and it’s not like I knew that. I didn’t. I know her birthday is in Aug but it is NOT the day I picked to end my life. So I don’t know what her problem is. People die every day. We have put the date off for now but I don’t think I can. I want to end my life because I am tired of being in pain all the time. I can’t stand living like this anymore. I feel like a useless piece of shit. I told her I wrote to my psychiatrist a letter that I will probably send the day of the deed. I just can’t send it to her now because she probably will hospitalize me against my will again. I don’t want to be in the hospital and it will do no good being in the hospital because they just want to change your meds and if they can’t do that than within three days you are released. What are you going to accomplish in three days? NOTHING.

Why am I against the SSF? I don’t know, maybe because I am the one that introduced it to her and I feel like it is a slap in the face. I don’t think this will work because she never follows through with the whole thing anyways. We never resolve my suicidality. Soon as I don’t feel like doing one, it gets dropped and the whole thing fails. I guess I feel like why should I fill out a piece of paper that is going to tell me how I already feel? It’s not like I don’t hate myself, have psychache, am stressed to the maxed, am hopeless beyond belief, and am going to kill myself in a few months. I have no reason for living, and plenty of reasons for dying. Having my menses still is one of them.

I have had my menses for more than a month now. I am tired of it and my skin is irritated by the feminine products I have to wear and by my underwear. I am not used to wearing elastic fitting underwear that women wear. I rather wear boxer shorts but you can’t hold a feminine product in them. It makes me so uncomfortable and angry. More angry than I know what to do with and I have no one to take it out on. It’s not anybody’s fault really. I have the xx chromosome and not the xy so I guess I can blame my father as he is the one responsible for the Y chromosome! Another reason to hate him!

I know a shower might do me some good, washing off the stink of things and maybe cool me down some from this heat but I just can’t be bothered right now. I will later today. I have to as I really reek. I can no longer use deodorants because I have a rash under my armpit. It is going to be an interesting summer. I also have not shaved in a while because I have an open scratch where the rash is. I can’t help it. It is itchy!! So far the only thing helping is hydrocortisone cream. I hope it goes away soon.

Another thing about the SSF, it is not that I don’t like it. I actually praise it because it is a good tool to use. But the draw back like I said before is that I don’t think it can help me because I know how to “cheat” on it, per se. I know what the answers should be and that does not help me in the long run.

Another thing she asked me today was what was my psychache. I have not filled out a Holden psychache scale in so long. I don’t know what it would be. And again, it doesn’t matter. All it will prove is that I have psychological pain. I just feel very hopeless about this. I can’t help it. I am trying to get her to see that she will be losing me and to get away from me as far as she can and she just won’t do it. I just don’t care.

410

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging

410

410. what does this number mean? It could be a time, a place setting, or just a number. To me, that number was my tech code during the fourteen years I worked at a major medical center. I held that number and it was the lowest among my peers because I was the one with seniority.

Recently, this number came up as the number of comments my blog had. It was held at that number until today. With this number I thought over the years the funny times, the serious times, and the not so great times. I remember during my first year there was a kid that had a transplant and didn’t make it. We had worked on this kid for days trying to pull him through. It was the most critical case so s/he had priority over other samples. When it was found out we lost him during the night, I felt so bad. It was the first time that I lost a patient, and it was a child no more than three years old. It was tough. I could only imagine what the parents were going through. I had a toddler nephew at home and thank god he was healthy even though he could be a handful at times. I couldn’t imagine losing him to some disease.

I also have seen some good times where co-workers got married, had kids, and also seen co-workers pass away. They say that things happen in threes. In one year, we lost three co-workers, two of whom I worked closely with. It was a very tough year. To Tessie and Donnie, I still think of you.

Toward the end of my work days, my number was seen as the most proficient in the lab. I typed the most because I had the most experience. I knew my job inside and out. I knew how to help those that needed it and guided the newer employees through the work day. I miss that. But in the end, I truly was just a number and my loyalty meant nothing. My seniority meant nothing. I was treated like an old mule and basically shot dead and told to move on due to my medical restrictions. I couldn’t just sit and type. I had to be mobile and because I couldn’t be, my job left me and I was out.

It still hurts that I was not held on to. But without them I would not have this blog. I wouldn’t be publishing my stories and papers. I guess with that I gained another opportunity that I would not have had.