Tag: mental illness

Latte Fail

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Latte fail

I started the day very early, again. I woke up at 0530. I stayed in bed till around 7ish when I had some breakfast, hoping that it would welcome me back to sleep. Nope. I had weird dreams instead. I swear it was at 45 min intervals that I was awoken by these disturbing dreams. I think I rather have nightmares than dreams that make no sense and that I can’t remember.

I forgot to charge my phone again last night. I think I am testing the battery power throughout the night. If it was fully charged, I probably would have gone out of the house around 8 for my coffee rather than two hours later when I really didn’t feel like doing squat. But I made it out of the house and got my latte. Unfortunately, with the caffeinating, it didn’t wake me up. I am still waiting for it to wake me up, three hours later. I wrote in my journal, but it was broken up my the distraction of Twitter and Facebook. I heard through Gates McFadden that the US Supreme court rejected the appeals for gay marriage. YAY for gay marriage. She said it was the start of a beautiful day. Maybe for her. I am still waiting to feel some good. After stinking up my clothes of coffee scent, I left for the next bus. My mother calls me one stop before the one I get off. She tells me to take the chicken out of the freezer. Soon as I open the freezer door, blueberries make a brake for it. Yup, floor covered in blueberries because they were not in the right container for fucking freezing. I don’t know why my mother freezes fruit when it takes her months to make something. It just nose dives to the floor every time we open the freezer door. Pissed me off. And she has gone shopping and I am going to have to get the bags because my lazy cousin is “tired”. Well I am too and in pain so I beat your ass.

Just am in an annoyed kind of mood, can’t you tell? I should have called the junk car people today but I didn’t. That will hopefully happen tomorrow. I got to get the car out of here before the colder weather comes and then I will have to wait till spring. My brother in law will not be happy if it stays in the driveway another winter. If you can give out procrastination badges, I win. This car has been there for more than two years. It is falling apart. My biggest fear is that the guy will come, see the car, and walk away like he doesn’t know what I am talking about. The bumper has given way and you can no longer see the exhaust pipe. The shocks finally gave way. It is a total junk car.

I am not feeling good mentally. I put in a text to my therapist to see if I can see her today but I haven’t heard back. I might call her in a little bit to ask for a check in. I really need it. I feel like I am falling apart like the car in my driveway. My cousin (lazy one) just asked me how I was doing. I told him lousy. He doesn’t get the pain that I get from going up and down two flights of stairs. There is nothing physically wrong with him so why the fuck can’t he take the stuff up the stairs?? Drives me fucking nuts.

A bad night followed by a tiring Sunday

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

A bad night followed by a tiring Sunday

I had a bad night of pain last night. I was beside myself. I felt like going to the emergency room but I didn’t know which one would be best for me. It was after 10 pm so it would be crazy hour with drunks coming in and such. Or maybe it would be too early for them. I don’t know. I never went. I just took a strong pain medication and tried my best to sleep.

I was in pain and wanted to kill myself and I wanted to kill myself because I was in horrible pain. I got away this night unscathed. But I am wicked tired today. It hurts to think. I woke up around 0630. I could make a pot if I really wanted to but I think I will pass. I have been trying distraction as best as I can but it’s not working for me anymore. I am listening to music but it doesn’t help my mood. Nothing is helping. I am hearing voices again. They started off as British but now they are just remnants of conversations I have had with my father. It is very disturbing. Hopefully a little perphenazine will work.

Even if I did know what to do last night, I doubt my needs would have been met. That is if I knew what they were. I felt like calling my psychiatrist and asking her what to do. I just was in a bad place and pain was the chief cause of it all. I felt like I needed to talk to someone, someone that knew what I was going through and would be an understanding ear. There are few of those around on a Saturday night. My one blogger friend has started dating so she wasn’t available. My therapist certainly wasn’t available. I wasn’t having a neurological emergency so my neurologist was out. It was a combination of it being a med/psych emergency. And who really deals with that?? I wasn’t staring down a bottle of pills. I wasn’t contemplating hanging myself. I just didn’t want to be anymore. The pain and the “demons’ had collided. Not even blogging was helping because I couldn’t think of what to write. I was in a tough spot and needed someone to talk to that knew about chronic physical pain and being suicidal.
Right now my ankle is killing me. I can barely move it without pain. And I haven’t done anything. I guess two days straight of activity is a no-no. I wanted to change my sheets today but that doesn’t seem to be in the works for today. My mother is hurting too. She wanted to clean the kitchen floor until her back went out on her. I swear it is the weather that is causing most of our pain. I suppose I should call my father and see how he is doing but I really don’t feel like it.

But I finally found something to control my appetite. Kellogg’s mini frosted shredded wheat. I love it. And it has fiber so I have been going a little more regularly without pills, which is a bonus. Any thing that gets my bowels moving without a pill is nice. Now if only I can psych myself up to take a shower, that would be nice. I have gone almost a week without taking one. I think Tuesday night was the last time I took one, but don’t quote me on that. This sucks. I just took a couple of pain pills so I can take a shower. This is what my life has become and no one gets it. It is so frustrating to try and explain what I am going through and be heard. Sure my therapist gets it, but there is more worry in her voice than understanding. She will just go off about how many spoons I don’t have when all I want her to do is listen to me, not tell me what I already know.

The temp dropped over night. There is a chill in the air that wasn’t there yesterday. My mother had the damn kitchen door open when I got up to have breakfast this morning. I was freezing and I am usually not one to complain about the cold. But I was grumpy because I was awake and I was hungry. It was bad enough that I had to wear my slippers to go down the stairs. I really need to take a shower today. I think it will help me feel a little bit better. But it might cause me more pain and that is what I am afraid of.

Rest is not as easy as it seems

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Resting is not as easy as it seems

Yesterday, I did nothing but stay in bed. I had to rest because I didn’t go to sleep right away when I got home. I was up till about 0300. Then my mother went shopping and my cousin wanted me to get the bags. I ignored the calls and tried to sleep as he was taking the bags up and down the stairs. I didn’t care. There was no way my ankle would like me going up and down the stairs. I would have been in worse pain than I was already in.

Today, I tried to stay in. It was fairly easy as it is cold out and I don’t feel like bracing myself for the cold. So I stayed in. I am going to see if my sister can pick up my prescription I have been neglecting to pick up. I just don’t feel like getting dressed. My sister just invited me to dinner and I turned that down. Anything that involves stairs or going out, is a no go.

I had therapy last night. I don’t remember much about it. Jekyll wants to be called Jack. He wanted to be in control but my therapist just kept on talking rather than listening and he got annoyed so went away again. I am glad we aren’t talking again until Tuesday. Next week is going to be a difficult week. I got to take my father to his appointment Thursday and then I have my appointment with my psych the next day. Back to back days of going out. Should be fun. NOT.

I am so tired today. The most I did was make a batch of popcorn. That set my ankle off again. And last night I noticed that the swelling was near my Achilles. I hope that I didn’t do something to it. I really don’t want to be in a boot come this cold weather. I swear being in this much pain has drained whatever energy I had. I am below zero in the energy boards. And I don’t think I can recover. I am trying to recover so that I can do what I can to get my coffee but it just isn’t working. I am just in too much pain. And having to take pain medication just makes you more tired than you were before. This just sucks. I would try and sneak in a nap right now but my mother will be making dinner soon. So even though I have been trying to rest, it hasn’t worked out that way. But I am keeping my ankle elevated so that is the important thing. I haven’t gone around to icing it. I keep forgetting to grab an ice pack on the way back up to my room.

I haven’t had coffee in two days. I think I am going to get the K-cups for my sister’s Keurig machine so I can make it at home. Might be better that way so I can get a decent cup of coffee when I want it. And it will be cheaper to do so. As long as I remember to buy the cream as well!

Next week on a day that I am not doing much, I am going to call the junk place and get my car out of the driveway. I would have done it today as it was a dry day but I don’t feel well. I am too tired to do anything. But if they come next week, I think it will be good to finally get rid of this car. And I might actually have a little money in my pocket. That would be nice.

managing out the window

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Managing out the window

The other night, I was having a bad night of pain. I kept texting my therapist that I was having suicidal thoughts of overdosing on my pain medication. The pain was driving me to my wits end. But I some how got through that night.

Today I am in the same spot. I am in pain but am not quite suicidal. I am, however, fighting a migraine that is affecting my vision. AND sounds are bothering me big time. Like my mother who is in the kitchen, playing her dice game. It is annoying the shit out of me right now. I want to scream at her for not watching TV. I rather hear the sounds of the television than the dice game. Plus, to make matters worse, we have a glass tabletop so that just echoes the sounds through out the house. I swear because my mother is deaf, she doesn’t realize how loud she is playing.

I didn’t do anything today. I have been very sleepy for most of the day. Probably because my sleep has been interrupted for the past two nights. Again, all because my father wants attention. Today my sister called me and because the idiot doctor didn’t put her credentials on the prescription, we can’t get it filled. Now I have to call his PCP to see if they can send him the medication. I doubt they will send it off without being seen. And I don’t know how I am going to get him to the doctor’s when I don’t have access to a car. UGH, this sucks.

What sucks more is that I am supposed to be working on this book that I am co-writing but I have no idea what I am going to write. I am feeling pressure to write and the material is there, I just have to focus. But the focus is not there, making it difficult to write. I wrote a page last night but I feel like it is crap. I have to work on it a little bit. Or a lot.

Right now I feel like a fucking cow. My stomach is all bloated for some reason. I feel like the fat around my midsection is strangling me. I hate feeling this way. I never felt like this before, but then, I have gained so much weight the past few weeks. I know it is because of my depression that I have gained weight. Plus, it is not like I am really active with my ankle being sore. I have been a lump on a log, just eating and eating. I don’t know how I am going to manage to keep the weight off when I am so depressed. And I am in so much pain, that I don’t care. It’s a bad cycle.

I had therapy today and my therapist suggested that we have another crisis response plan specifically for my pain cycle. That I should do something other than stare at a bottle of pills. I didn’t do it on purpose. I just happened to count how many were left in the bottle. Then I calculated how much medication I would be ingesting. I don’t think the odds were in my favor. Plus, I really wanted to go to my reunion and I think that saved me from taking the pills. But the texts scared my therapist. I guess I was in a bad place looking back. But when I was in that moment, all I wanted to do was end the pain. And if my life had to end too, I wasn’t going to fight for it. Luckily, wanting to see my friends from the past overtook my desire to take the pills, this time.