Tag: psychosis

Voices and Other Musings

by Midnight Demon, posted in mood disorders, psychosis

I don’t know why I am writing this as I am very tired and want to go to sleep. Except the voices are having conversations in my head about things. Some stuff I can decipher, others I cannot. It is very annoying. I wish they would just go away and let me be but they are not so accommodating.

I have lowered my dose of my antipsychotic because I was having side effects. I don’t think I can go back up without my doc’s ok. I just need a little time to adjust to this dose and I am hoping the voices will go away. Something tells me this is just wishful thinking. I really don’t want to go back into the hospital. I won’t have my music to listen to and having music with me calms me down. I will get agitated if I don’t have music, and well, you don’t really want to have a meltdown on a psych unit. It is not pleasant. I guess as long as I am not feeling paranoid I am doing ok. But then, there isn’t much interaction with people I don’t know. I am grounded in my house because my funds for Starbucks have ended. I can’t have my coffee until next week when my paycheck gets in. It’s just as well because I think the caffeine might have had something to do with the tremors I was experiencing. I have been ok the past few days but I still get the feelings like my arms are like stretched out elastics. I know that is a little of the dyskinesthia I experience. I am also worried that this feeling is going to drive me nuts more than the voices will.

In case you are just reading my blog for the first time, I have been hearing voices since the age of 5. They started off as imaginary friends but have always stayed with me growing up. The voices have changed over the years. My latest new voices have an English accent. I think that was because I was preoccupied with England for a time. They have gone away but sometimes still creep back. I also have experienced paranoia while on the bus. I thought it was anxiety but if anxiety caused paranoia than why would I think one of the passengers were going to harm me in some way. I have not been taking the bus that often anymore because of this.

Sometimes I have delusions. When I was younger I had delusion that I was living on the holodeck on the Enterprise. I created this other life that I still somewhat believe today. Or I wish it still existed. Lately my delusions are related to the type of voice I hear. If the voice says he is Allah I will have religious types of delusions. Usually these new voices are often commanding voices (they tell me to do things) and always lead to a hospitalization. I don’t know why voices are an automatic reason for getting hospitalized. I just know that I could be ok otherwise but soon as I say I have voices that are not controlled, they put me in the hospital. It drives me nuts, no pun intended. Other delusions that I have had in the past centered around my coworkers conspiring to fire me or have me fired by planting devices in my email. I felt like every move I made was being watched and every email I sent was being monitored. Usually, it would center around one person. And eventually, I became fearful of this person though I had no real reason to be. When I seriously asked my coworker if she was going to kill me, she gave me a crazed look like “you kidding me”? I then knew that it was just my illness talking and that it wasn’t real.

The hard part about dealing with psychosis is that your view of reality becomes blurred. You often don’t know what is real and what is not. There was a good period of time when I thought God was always watching me and that I had to watch what I was doing so not to offend him. These feeling persisted even when no one was in the room with me, I still felt his presence and it was not a good feeling. I felt like I was constantly being watched and the voices helped to confirm my suspicions. It wasn’t until I started on the drug olanzapine that all this went away. For the first time in my life, I felt free. But then out of fear of me getting diabetes, my psychiatrist took me off this drug. I was fearful that this paranoia was going to come back but it has been over ten years since being off that drug and so far I am still free from that type of paranoia. I often wonder how other people react when someone tells them that God is all around them. For me, I ended up with paranoia for most of my childhood and early adulthood. And it all stopped by taking medication. I was on other anti-psychotics at this time, but none of them took care of that presence I felt all the time. It feel good knowing you don’t have to always watch over your shoulder. That is why I am fearful that I might have to stop this medication. I haven’t had any symptoms since Monday and I hope it stays that way. Maybe it was just a little hypoglycemic attack (low blood sugar). But that still doesn’t explain why I had symptoms later that night AFTER I ate a good meal. It doesn’t make sense.

I see my psychiatrist tomorrow. I hope she has answers for me that doesn’t include me being taken off my medication. So far she has not responded to the emails I sent her so I am hoping that by reducing the dose, I am doing the right thing. But in doing so, I hope that doesn’t mean it’s also open season on a voice attack and that paranoia will start coming back. I am just fearful of this happening. But I think if she really wanted me off this medication, she would have responded and told me so.

medication and feeling scared

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, psychosis, suicide

Meds and being scared

Yesterday I was in a panic more so when I have to take a bus some place. My hands were trembling uncontrollably for several hours. I was scared. Then when I started writing with pen and paper, it got worse. The only other time this has happened to me was when I was on high doses of trilafon. But I am not taking trilafon for my psychotic symptoms. I am taking another medication called Abilify. And it is causing these symptoms. I am scared because it might mean I have to get off this med and if I do, the voices will run rampant and I will have to be back in the hospital. Usually, taking the Ativan will help bring me down and so far today I don’t have any symptoms. I emailed my doc and she has not responded so I think I am on my own with this. I wish she would respond so that I know I am on the right course. I skipped my dose last night and I am only taking half the dose tonight. We’ll see if I get any symptoms tomorrow.

I have been on this drug for more than a year now. I have never had to take a long term anti-psychotic drug before. Usually the bad voices would go away after taking the meds for few weeks and then I could stopped taking them but after my psychotic break in 2008, this has not been the case. One doctor called me schizoaffective because my symptoms were so bad they were considering putting me on clozaril. But then during one of my admissions I was placed on Abilify and it worked for me better than any other drug. I can no longer take Seroquel or risperadone because they give me worse side effects. I rather have the trembling than my legs kicking uncontrollably or my heart giving me palpitations.

Right now the voices are under control. I am still having break throughs. I have a new voice that likes to talk to me just as I am falling asleep. She just pops her head in and starts talking away. I don’t suffer from visual hallucinations but if I did, that is what I imagine is happening. Then the other voices start up and chime in with their own questions and wondering why I am still here and why am I not working so I have to go into that whole debacle. Or the other voices will talk with the new voice and the whole thing will keep me up because I get agitated by them interfering with my sleep. I sometimes have to referee them. It is very exhausting keeping up with them while listening to music to try and drown them out.

If I have to stop this medication, things will change. I really don’t want the paranoia and delusions to come back. I don’t want the commanding voices to start up again. I will not be able to function. I will really hate not being on this medication. But I am hoping, that I can take another medication to counteract its affects. I kind of feel like Dr. Pearce from Perception where he goes through life unmedicated and still be able to function to some degree. He is able to embrace the voices that he knows are not real. I don’t want to go through that. I went through it once and it was not pleasant. I can handle the three or four voices regularly but I can’t handle the paranoia and delusions. That is more debilitating to me than a conversation of voices in my head.

how the midnightdemons came to be

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

I am at my starbucks drinking my Kati Kati while reading Noonday Demon. A fellow blogger reminded me about it and decided to pick it up again.

Noonday Demon by Andrew Solomon is where I got the idea for the name of my blog. While he experiences his demons during the noon time hour, I experience them during the midnight hours. Thursday night was the perfect example of that. I was talking with my therapist today about this and she thinks I dissociated into Mr. Hyde again. I’m still trying to remember what triggered me. I had been depressed most of that day. My first blog of that day was me writing about how I was tired of living. I don’t know if that is what set me off or if it was my never ending menstrual cycle. Though I don’t think you can call it a cycle at the present time. It more like a never ending flowing that has gone on for weeks now.

I am just reading the part in the book where he is describing depression as a vine that just stifles you. With each growth, it just takes more and more of your energy to fight it until you are wondering why you are existing. You are praying for death as you can’t understand why the vine has not stopped your breathing. You continue to exist in this shell of an existence. That is how I feel right now. The depression, a word I forgot that describes me, has stifled my existence and is trying to extinguish me. These blackout dissociations are one clue that I am not with it. But the problem becomes how to deal with it. Hospital will only treat the symptoms of my depression, and there are no meds for dissociation. I still think that it is just a symptom of my suicidality. I am too far depressed and have crossed over into the blackness of existence. I may not feel suicidal all the time but obviously I still am on an unconscious level. Or maybe it is subconscious. Either way, I don’t know what to do about it. I am sort of scared that I might try to end my life while in this state. It most likely will be an impulsive move. And with that, I won’t have my crisis response plan to use. I will only be focused on whatever it is I am feeling at that moment and how to get rid of it. Luckily, the midnightdemons have only been writing about the end of my life. I don’t think I have attempted anything because I’m still here and there are no empty bottles of pills, knife or razor wounds, or ligature marks to indicate to me that I have tried something.

The mind is very complex. It can focus on writing something very emotional yet still listen to music as you write. I really want to try and see if the Neurontin that I take has been the cause of the dissociations that I have been experiencing. But I am afraid that if I do and something were to happen, I won’t remember it. I barely remember that I took the pills to begin with so obviously, something was brewing BEFORE my dose. I don’t take the Neurontin on a daily basis. I usually just take it when the burning sensation is too much or if I want to zone out. But lately, the being zoned out part has not worked for me the last couple of times I have taken it. Which is a total bummer.

If I do end up in the hospital, I have no idea what to tell my family. Usually I tell them I have to go in to adjust my medication or that I am just deeply depressed. It becomes a hard time for me because when I get out, I am watched like a hawk. Or it just becomes a surprise as I have not been showing signs of my depression. The only thing that is really keeping me out (aside from losing my phone) is my mother’s hypo attacks. I don’t think I can forgive myself if something were to happen to her while I was in the hospital, especially since now I think she has an infection in her foot. Infections and diabetes do not mix.

I wish my psychiatrist would respond to the email I sent her. Sometimes I just like acknowledgement of the email to know she got it and that it wasn’t lost in cyber world. But she is on vacation and I don’t see her until next Friday.

My Sox are off tonight. They are in Toronto for their series against the Blue Jays. I don’t know what I am going to do tonight. I might accompany my mother to the ER to get her foot looked at. I hate going to ERs. They are not fun. I am hoping they will take her quickly but it all depends on how urgent other cases are. I feel really bad for my mother. I know what it is like having foot pain. I go through it every day. In fact, I woke up with it this morning. I had to take some pain meds and I then fell back asleep until my mother called to tell me she couldn’t see her doctor today because he and the covering doc was on vacation. Does that make sense?? Why bother covering for someone if you know you are going on vacation too! Pisses me off.

So now you know how the midnight demons came to be called. Though I still don’t know what is causing them to exist. I think exhaustion has something to do with it. I am wicked tired and instead of sleeping, I just go off into Mr. Hyde until I do finally succumb to sleep. It just sucks that I am writing very dark stuff before I do fall asleep. But I have been lucky so far that I have not done anything. I hope it continues to stay that way. If I am going to kill myself, I want to be in the present state of mind and not be out of it. Or maybe it is better that I am out of it…

everything is a bother

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

Should have stayed home

I should have stayed home today than embrace this hot weather just to get an iced coffee at Starbucks. I didn’t think it would be too bad out but I was wrong. Least it wasn’t humid out. I can take the dry heat but not the humidity.

I got my coffee and then contemplated how I was going to get home as there is no bus from the square to my house. I had to finagle things.

I became psychotic again last night. I don’t know why I am having break through psychotic symptoms. I am not stressed to the max or anything. It is weird. I also have been having weird dreams. I fell asleep earlier than usual last night and woke up around 0230. I didn’t go back to sleep till around 0430. I don’t know if I blogged another blog or not. I didn’t. I guess this heat is making me crazy even with the a/c cranked. I hope I don’t have another episode before I see my pdoc on Friday. Maybe she can make sense of it. I sure can’t.

I am glad I am home and in my room. I need to take a shower but that can wait for now. I have to do it before tonight as I need to change patches. I hate taking a shower in the heat. Even though we have a cooling fan it doesn’t do much but blow around the hot air.

My therapist never texted me back on what I was to write on. Bugger. I will yell at her tomorrow when I talk with her. I still have had fleeting thoughts of dying. Today while waiting for the bus stop I am not familiar with, I was hoping someone would kill me. Just slice my throat open or shoot me. I mean those things happen all the time, why can’t it happen to me. It would save me the trouble of trying to kill myself. I once thought of hiring someone to kill me but I don’t think I could ever raise enough funds to do that. I know my life isn’t worth much to begin with but to someone who would end up in jail because they took my life, might mean more than just a few hundred dollars.

I got my annual retirement statement from my work. I don’t know what to do with it now. It’s not like I can touch the money without penalty. And even if I did, I bet the US treasury would want some for my student loans. But I don’t think they can touch it. I hope not anyways or I will have nothing. Course if I kill myself, it doesn’t matter anyways.

I want to read but I don’t know what to read. I have books piled on my bed and around my bed. All I have to do is choose one and I can’t even do that. Decision are so hard when you have a deep depression. I’m so glad I don’t have to work for now because I HATED having to choose my attire for the day. Not like I had to get dressed up. But I hated choosing which color jeans and what socks to wear (black or white, ankle or tube, etc.) My friend just told me to grab the closest one and usually I did that. I would sometimes wear the same jeans all week because I didn’t want to bother with emptying the pockets for another pair. I have to carry my pens, wallet, change (if I felt like it), and money. I never carry my money in my wallet. I don’t think anyone does. It’s just a safety measure I learned while living in Boston.

I feel really down despite having an ok day. I really want to take a nap right now but I am fighting it. I am exhausted from my trip today just to get my coffee but also from not sleeping through the night and waking up at fricken nine. I finally gave up around ten and got out of bed to have breakfast. Then went out of this stupid coffee. Starbucks is coming out with a home iced brewing system. I am thinking about getting it so that on days like today I don’t have to leave the house. Course I don’t know if I can have some counter space in the kitchen. My mother has this coffee pot, Gevalia, that she never uses but yet it has to be on the counter. If I get this brewing system, it could go there. It would be so nice to make iced coffee at home. I have a French press that I use for hot coffee but it’s a pain to clean because it doesn’t have a filter. When you clean it, you get the grounds all over the place except the bucket. Least that is my luck.

Maybe I should go back on antidepressant. Trouble is that I have been on all of them and each one has upset my stomach. After a few months, I get nauseous in the morning and sometimes I vomit if it gets too bad. I thought at first it was something wrong with my stomach but tests have not shown anything wrong. Once I stopped the antidepressant, the nausea stopped too. And I was taking the lowest dose possible. It sucks. I am glad the mood stabilizer doesn’t give me any side effects other than drowsiness. It also helps my appetite in check. I don’t know how but I lost another few pounds. Course I have not been eating that much lately. I mostly just have been eating cereal and sometimes eggs, if I am up to making them. I used to eat eggs all the time until the depression hit me bad. Now it’s too much of a bother. Everything is too much of a bother.

I think I’ll go back to reading Team of Rivals…