Tag: sleep deprivation

Sleep Eludes Me

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Sleep Eludes Me

I had about a three hour nap. I woke up coughing for some reason and now my foot has decided to ache again. I guess the pain meds wore off. The weather is to blame for this. I keep thinking I did something wrong with the disability papers, that I wrote something that I shouldn’t have or that I didn’t give them enough of what hell I am living. I wish I could die right now. I hate having this pain in my foot. It is quite severe. But it only happens at night. Never during the day when I am likely to see a damn doctor.

The coughing scared me because I couldn’t catch my breath. I don’t know if I was choking on my spit or air. It’s all hazy now. I guess I got the rest I needed for the day as I woke up around 0420. I don’t remember what time I fell asleep but I know it was around 0100 or later. I was fighting sleep then because I was in pain. Then it occurred to me that I should probably lay down and maybe I will pass out and I did. Only to wake up three fucking hours later. UGH.

I don’t want to get out of bed. I am still kind of sleepy and know that my pain meds will kick in shortly. I really need sleep. I want sleep. I don’t want to stay up all day with just three hours of sleep under my belt. It’s pissing me off that I can’t sleep right. And all because of fucking pain. I keep hearing Adele’s voice in my head. Her songs from her album are shuffling in my head as if they were playing. I don’t want to listen to music right now. It might wake me up and that is something I don’t want to happen. I don’t know if this music is normal or psychotic. It keep changing and the lyrics are the same so I am guessing it’s normal except the volume is on high. The lyrics are the same. They aren’t twisted as if they are talking to me or anything. I hate when music “talks” to me or has hidden meanings for me. It ruins my appreciation for the music. The last time music had its twisted themes and meanings, I ended up in the hospital. That was when the song “sirens” by Pearl Jam was stuck in my head, and I mean literally. Even if I played it to get it out of my head, it would still talk to me.

My blog about hygiene was posted in a mental health blog. I am either in the “leisure” section or the “entertainment”. This time I was in the “leisure”. I didn’t think that blog was so great, but I guess someone thought it was.

I got to do another grocery order. I am down to my last box of cereal. I am also going to try and get the slim fast stuff. I need to try and lose weight so my pants fit me again. I refuse to go up another pants size, especially after I bought three new pairs of jeans. I will try and get salad as well. I like having baby spinach but my damn mother ends up boiling it. It so frustrates me. I also need to get my cream and almond milk. I really like the almond milk, though I don’t think I am going to get the one with honey again. It just has a weird after taste. I should also get soy milk as I like that as well. I like the chocolate one and can suck it down like it’s going out of style.

Just in a Bitchy Mood

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Just in a Bitchy Mood

I woke up early in the morning, like 0230 early. I was not happy. I only slept a few hours at that point. Then I go back to sleep about an hour later after I took some more Nyquil and Neurontin. I woke up around 1045 and I was hungover, most likely because of the Neurontin. All I wanted to do was sleep but I had my therapy appointment and I couldn’t blow it off. I got a call from my psychiatrist’s office. She had to reschedule my appointment for Friday. I don’t know why she didn’t call or email me. Now I am worried. I hope she didn’t have a setback. My only other explanation is the red tape the hospital has on coming back to work after being out for a while.

Because my sleep has been all fucked up, my tolerance has been extremely low. I was at Starbucks and the damn sun, which was reflecting off the building across the street, annoyed the crap out of me. It was just too damn bright. I wish the sun came with a dimmer switch sometimes. Then there was a girl that was talking silly to a boy in front of her. It just annoyed me. I just wanted her to shut up so I could listen to my music on my headphones. I really need to get noise cancelling headphones. I had a pair but they broke. I know Bose makes a pair of headsets that are noise cancelling but they are wicked expensive for my budget.

I had therapy today and we talked about things. I found out that she loves me sincerely but it’s not the kind of love like in a sexual relationship, which relieved my anxiety. I still don’t know why she loves me as I think I am unlovable. I asked her if she thought I was special and she goes into a tirade about stuff and I am like does that mean yes or no? She finally answered yes and then went on to explain that she doesn’t know where these questions come from. She still blames it on the trauma that I have been through. She brought up again the reason I don’t accept good feelings or reject good intentions is because of the complex PTSD that I have. I asked her if I have borderline traits and she said that I didn’t. I didn’t think that I did because I don’t have emotional dysregulation that borderline traits or borderline personality disorder have. I used to, but not anymore.

We also talked about my father and how narcissistic he is. I asked about narcissistic injury and she just didn’t explain it well. She basically told me to google it. I wanted to google it before writing this blog but I am not in the mood to google. I might do a separate blog about it. I also told her that I was nervous about the SSD review. I haven’t heard anything for a month now. And she hasn’t gotten any paperwork from them. Makes me think that my case is in limbo.

We talked briefly about my suicide thoughts. I told her I wanted to get some really lethal means and she was shocked about this. It was because of my crapping my pants last night that I have had enough of dealing with this. I haven’t told her about the voices telling me to do things. I’m hoping they will go away on their own. I just have a week until my MRI and then my stress level should level off. I haven’t been feeling paranoid or delusional. Just having voices talk to me all the time telling me to do things. And they are not my “normal voices”. If they were, then I wouldn’t be so worried. I hate hearing foreign voices. I know it’s because I am stressed. I have a lot on my mind. Having a fucked up sleep schedule is not helping either. Most of it has to do with having this stupid cold that I have. I wake up congested and not being able to breathe. It’s getting better but I am not quite well yet.

After therapy, I went to Starbucks. I used my cane because my leg has been bothering me. I am glad I did because on the way home, my thigh really started to hurt me. I haven’t done anything but walk, not too far though. I got my prescription from the pharmacy on the way home. One of them was stuck in limbo because of some computer glitch. My mother called to see where I was and when I told her, she said she wanted the paper. When I came home she said supper is what ever I want to make. I knew I should have ordered pizza and fries. Now I’ll probably have just a bowl of cereal.

No Naps for the Weary

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

No Naps for the Weary

After I wrote the blog this morning, I tried to take a nap. I slept for about two hours and then woke up. It was the last nap I took. I couldn’t go back to sleep. I was very hungry. I made pancakes. And hour later I had some chicken cutlets with delicious honey mustard and fries. I am kind of full right now but my mother is heating up a chicken pot pie and I will be a stuffed goose after that. It’s just so filling. I am very tired but every time I lie down, I wake up. I never made coffee because I didn’t feel like making it. I am thinking of making it now but it’s kind of late and I don’t want to be up all night. I already have been up all day.

I know part of the reason I am so tired is because I took some Neurontin to sleep. But I think the depression is back and that is not helping matters. I just feel so laid down with burden, like a heavy weight is upon me and I can’t fucking breathe. Just walking to Walgreens took so much spoons out of me it wasn’t funny. I was literally out of breath when I got to the store and I usually walk there every other day so I am not sure why I was so short of breath. Some days when I am not tired, I can walk without feeling short of breath. I think the tireds are the cause because I am forcing myself to do an activity that requires walking or movement. Even going up and down stairs causes me to be out of breath when I am tired.

I haven’t had any suicidal thoughts today. I am too tired to even think about that, though I have thought about taking more Neurontin than I should. I keep hoping to have a massive heart attack and die. Unfortunately, there is little heart disease in my family so I doubt that will happen. My father had a heart attack but it wasn’t until he was over the age of 75 and it was a minor one.

I got a massive headache and I don’t know why. I think it’s because I am very tired. This is the third day in a row that I have woken up early and stayed up late. I keep having weird sleeping times. And trying to nap is always difficult because my mind wanders before I am able to rest and sleep. I’m going to try napping now and hope I am not up come 2 in the morning.

it’s 0500

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

It’s 0500

I woke up at 0500 today and it pissed me off. I have a hangover from the gabapentin and I will be making coffee shortly. I won’t be going to my “happy” place for coffee because I am making it at home. Starbucks still has the Sertraozinho coffee. They have plenty of bags. I might pick up another one when I get paid. I love this coffee because it’s like drinking a milk chocolate bar more than coffee. I could get it now but then my Starbucks funds will be depleted and I will be without funds until my next pay period in two weeks.

I didn’t dream. Usually when I take the Gabapentin, I don’t reach REM sleep, which is probably why I get a hangover. I feel really fuzzy. And I just took a small dose. I am glad I didn’t take two pills. The pain in my ankle is decreased but still there. I could take another dose and be a zombie all day but it’s my sister’s party tonight and I want to be somewhat conscious.

Last night before falling asleep, I was trying to read American Gods by Neil Gaiman. I must have gone through a few pages before I conked out. I hate when I leave in the middle of a chapter without a separation, but I had no choice. I just hope I remember where I left off. It was getting weird, not to say the book itself isn’t weird. I kind of wish I had the book rather than the kindle version. But the Kindle version is the one where he made adjustments and added a few words to it. So this version is longer than the book. It’s the tenth anniversary of the book.

Today is my Godfather’s birthday. He would have been 88 today. He died a few years ago. I can never remember the year. He died suddenly and in February. That is all that I remember. It really shocked his wife as he died in her arms. She was a wreck. Hell I would be too if that happened to me. I think I am going to call her sometime today to see how things are going. I haven’t talked to her since last year, I think. He was an important person in my life, always giving advice and telling stories. He suffered from Alzheimer’s so every time I talked with him, I had to tell him who I was and what I was doing as he never remembered. It was tough talking with him when he got to this stage.

Think I am going to make breakfast when I make the coffee. I am getting hungry. I haven’t had my egg sandwich in a while. I think I will make that. I really want pancakes but that is too much trouble. I make them from scratch, same with my oatmeal pancakes. The funny thing is the original pancakes and the oatmeal ones are similar. Only difference is that I use ½ cup of oatmeal instead of a cup of flour.

My mother was talking about my birthday plans. I told her I just want my immediate family with me. When I told my sisters this, they didn’t like the idea. My youngest sister is doing renovations in her kitchen and we usually have a party at her house because it is bigger than my other sister’s house. I really would like my father’s side cousins to be there but I understand that there will be no space. It’s all up in the air right now. Preferably, I rather not have a big party at all. I rather not celebrate. I am so depressed about my birthday it’s not funny. I hate it. And the fact that I am turning 40 just kills me. I never thought I would live this long. I have decided two things though. My sisters and I will be going out to eat to John Brewers and I want my cake to be a brownie with cool whip and cherries on top. I bought the mix so my mother doesn’t have to buy it. She just has to get the cool whip. It’s in a month so I don’t know how long cool whip stays for so I’ll have her buy it when it’s closer to my birthday. I wish I could see my therapist that day. But her schedule is kind of messed up because her kid gets out of school early so she is not going to be in the office the time of our appointment. It will be the first birthday that we aren’t celebrating together. If I get the Zipcar, I will see her but that is if I get accepted. I will know in a couple of weeks.

I am going to try and work on my story today. I played around with the new font that I want and got my book up to 50 pages. I just hope when I copy and paste it in the format thingy the font stays. I don’t know if you have to pay extra for it or not. When I had my first book it did copy over the Courier New font so I am hoping it will do that same with the Comic Sans. Formatting is going to be a bitch, it always is. I just hope I don’t have to revert to text and then doc to get this in the template that Amazon uses. It will suck so much. Like it did with my first book.

Other than that, I plan on doing nothing else. I am hoping to have an easy day and I hope my sister’s party goes well tonight. I made her a homemade card and I hope that she likes it.