Tag: sleep deprivation

it’s 0600

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

It’s 0600

I woke up about a half hour ago from a weird dream. I was supposed to be making a tuna fish sandwich but instead there were bugs in the container. This didn’t phase me and I resolved to eat them, but as I fix the “fish” the way I like it, one of the bugs started talking to me. It was like we had to have a chat before I ate it. In the dream was Richard Dean Anderson. We were talking about his military service (from Stargate). It was a really strange dream that has me unsettled. The bugs were not usual bugs. They had unusual characteristics, like the bugs you saw on Disney’s Lion King where Timone says “tastes like chicken” while he is preparing Simba’s plate of bugs. I don’t know why I have been having strange dreams lately. I haven’t been eating anything weird or doing anything different. But at least I am reaching REM sleep. I feel rested and alert but I did wake up in pain. I took my pain meds and hoping I get back to sleep in about a half hour.

Dell called me yesterday to see if my system is working properly. I missed the call because as usual, the one time I leave my phone in my room, I get a phone call. They then sent me an email. I plan on responding later today.

I was reading a book on bipolar disorder last night. The chapter I was reading was on sleep and internal clocks. It said that sleep deprivation isn’t good for bipolar because it can set off hypomania or mania. If that were true, I would be super manic by now. They did suggest that sleeping from 1800 to 0200 might help mood. I am going to try and see if that works. Maybe it will reset my clock and I won’t have these weird sleeping hours, or sleep for longer periods than 3 hours here and 4 hours there. I can’t remember a night where I slept 6 or more hours.

I was going through “Suicide as Psychache” and found that Shneidman wrote the same line at least four times so far. I was able to find a quote for tomorrow as I got finished with his aphorisms. I was thinking of quoting the commonalities of suicide but I already have a blog about that. And there are ten of them that must be taken together or it just doesn’t make sense. I have to read the next chapter sometime today. I am not sure if I will be going out. It’s supposed to rain and I don’t like traveling in the rain unless I absolutely have to. I am craving a latte or a mocha, however so maybe I will brave the weather and go to Starbucks. I should really rest my ankle as the walking to pick up my niece last night really hurt. But I am starting to feel cooped up as I haven’t left the house since Monday.

There are some baseball movies that I want to buy from Amazon. They are relatively cheap, no more than five bucks each. I think it will be nice to watch them. A friend of mine also wants me to watch “Princess Bride”. I have never watched this movie from beginning to end. I have seen parts of it. It’s an okay movie and really funny. I am not a movie person at all. I rather read a book so there are a ton of movies that I have not seen. It’s hard when someone makes a reference to a movie and I am clueless. One movie that I really would love to see again and own is Stand By Me. I haven’t seen that movie in years. It is a great movie and has my favorite actor in it, Wil Wheaton. I was following their tweets via text but they (he and his wife) tweet a lot during the day. It wasn’t even funny stuff like it was before. I guess they get a lot of stupid people’s tweet that insult them. I find that it’s harsh. I feel bad about it but then they keep posting it and I just had to stop the texts. There were more texts from them in a span of an hour than anything. Now my phone is silent and I like that, least for now. I like following his wife because she posts pictures of their animals and they are really cute.

I have therapy today. I hope it goes well.

sleep deprived

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, college football, depression, mental disorders, mood disorders

Sleep deprived

I didn’t get to sleep till 0600 this morning. I was babysitting last night and my sister came home after midnight. I was wound up so decided to read some Harry Potter. Big mistake. Next thing I knew it was 0300 and I caught my second wind. After I fell asleep, I only slept about two hours. I took some meds and tried to go back to sleep. Now I am cold and feeling lousy.

I watched half the football game today. Pats won 30-23. I wasn’t worried, even though the first half was a friggen nail biter.

While I was up, I wrote an email to my pdoc telling her how depressed I am. I just can’t seem to get on top of this depression year after year, month after month, day after day. I just don’t know what my life is worth living for. My therapist is no help in that department. All she keeps saying is that I “matter”. Matter to whom? It’s so frustrating. I got into an argument with the voices last night. Must have been around 0400 or so. They wanted me to take some Ativan but I had already taken some. I didn’t take all my meds last night, just the “important” ones, like my hormone pill. I feel really drained. And I know it’s because of the sleep deprivation. I don’t even know what day it is, though I think it’s Sunday, still. It’s just been a long ass day. I hope I sleep tonight because I have an appointment tomorrow that I have to keep. I also need to get my haircut at some point, either tomorrow or this week. If I wake up early enough, I can call Dell and have them figure out what payment is needed to fix my laptop. I am going to back up everything the day before I send it out. Everything else is backup, like my pics and stuff. Only thing that will need backing up is my word doc files.

I have been listening to “Just over” since I downloaded Luke Bryan’s Kill the Lights CD. It’s just an awesome beat and it keeps running through my head. Last night, I didn’t want to play my playlist because I feared music would “excite” me further while I was trying to sleep so I just kept playing this song on YouTube. That way when the music stopped, I could hopefully go to sleep. It didn’t work that way as I had to play it several times and each time it got me thinking about my therapist and how I think it really is over between us. I also wrote my therapist a letter some time during the night. I really wanted to write another blog but my babysitting duties interfered with that. I was kind of worried about my sister as she texted me around 10 and didn’t come home till after midnight. She said she was on her way home. She didn’t say she stopped to get food. That kind of annoyed me.

I had my phone set to “do not disturb” before I went to sleep at 6. I love this feature. You can have calls go through only if they are “favorites” or choose not to. I chose not to because I knew my mother would be calling while I slept and I was right. There were two missed calls when I got up after resting from the football game. Also, while babysitting, I watched, in entirety, the OSU game. Complete blowout. They kicked Rutgers ass and by the 3rd quarter, the Rutgers fans had left. It was awesome! OSU won 49-7. Rutgers finally scored the last two minutes in the 4th quarter. It was the only chance they had to avoid a shut out.

I think tomorrow is going to be a donut day. If I can get to a Dunkin, I will get my jelly donut I have been craving for the last few weeks. There is a Dunks down the street from me but it’s past my walking distance and they closed the one in the Square because the building was unstable. In another Square they opened up a donut shop that I think is vegan. I have had vegan donuts and before and they are pretty awesome. I’ll just have to finagle how to get my donuts.

Saturday Blog 21

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 21

I didn’t go to sleep until 0430 in the morning. I thought I was going to pull an all nighter, and I partly did. I just couldn’t sleep to save my life. I started journaling around 2ish, thinking that would settle me down but it didn’t. I was already drugged up so I didn’t want to take more stuff because I knew that wouldn’t be good. I think that if I didn’t fall asleep, I would have taken some more Ativan. I didn’t have a good sleep. I woke up every three hours or so. I didn’t wake up but I did manage to go back to sleep after being woken up. I would basically look at the time and then go back to sleep. I finally woke up around 1130, feeling somewhat rested. I had some breakfast, well, lunch really. Then I went to Walgreens to get my cookies. Except they didn’t have my cookies. I was so sad. They had every other type of Oreo but the one I was looking for. So I decided to get some mailers and a coke. I needed to mail out some stuff for a friend that would not fit in an envelope. I also needed to mail out one of my books for a “winner”. I had put out on Twitter that if you responded by direct messaging me with your address, you would get my book for free. Trouble is, the person I wanted to respond, didn’t. So I will be sending this person my book next week. I have to get a different mailer because the one I bought was too small. Who knew that a 6×9 mailer was too small for a 6×9 book! Pissed me off, I tell ya.

I started the review that I was thinking of writing. I got half a page done before I lost interest and didn’t know what else to say. I am going to have to read the article to get more ideas, and try not to put stuff that isn’t in the article in the review. I was writing and had the inspiration to add stuff about another article but stopped myself.

My boys are winning at the moment. It’s good because they have lost their last string of games. Last night was just terrible. 12-5 loss. I stopped listening to the game when the score was 11-2. It took 39 minutes for the Angels to score 9 runs. It was so pitiful and painful. I just tuned in and the Angels have changed three pitchers. I hate pitching changes because they take so long to get ready and pitch to the batter.

Sleep is really affecting my mood, well, lack thereof. I am getting really short tempered and my mood is so bad that I don’t want to do anything. It was good that I left the house today to go to Walgreens as I felt up to it. I don’t think I would have left the house otherwise. I have been spending so much time in my room doing nothing. I have been really bored and I keep looking at the mound of shit I have in front of my closet. I keep thinking of doing something about it but I get overwhelmed and don’t do anything. I keep trying to tell myself to do one thing, like remove a box or sweatshirt. If I keep doing at least one thing a day, maybe then it won’t be so overwhelming. But I don’t. I just keep staring at the mess and that is all I do.

My mood has taken a hit with the sleep loss. I feel more depressed than I usually do. It fortunately, has not affected my reading as I have been reading my Dostoevsky book. It is the one thing that is giving me pleasure at the moment. But it is hard to read at times because the author writes about nothing and then hits you with a left curveball. Last night I was reading stuff about cannibalism, something I never thought I would read. They were discussing it at Myshkin’s birthday party, which is an odd conversation considering the topic. The author just brought it up casually, talking about how people survived famines. It got me thinking, did this happen during the Irish famine, too? Just chilling talk.

I was invited to a chat last night by one of my Twitter buddies. Talk is about Borderline Personality Disorder. I hope that I can stay up late enough to participate. I don’t particularly like this chat because I tend to feel like my opinions get slashed down. But hopefully, that will change with this chat as I have my experience to go on.

Saturday Blog 20

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 20

Last night I was refreshing the Twitter suggestions to follow when I came across a former therapist. I haven’t seen or heard from him in over ten to fifteen years. I didn’t think he would follow me back but he did. I always liked him, but he was kind of not all there when it came to suicide talk. Which is why I had to “fire” him. I then starting thinking about whether or not I wrote about him in my book, Midnight Demon. I started thumbing through my book and I couldn’t believe how short the chapters were. I know it’s a short book (just a little over 150 pages) but I have no recollection of where he would be written. So if he gets my book and reads about himself, oh well. I gave him a paper that I wrote and he retweeted it. Other than that, we haven’t had any other contact.

It’s really humid in the house today and it is making me grumpy. I hate humidity more than I hate the heat. It’s cool in my room because the fan has been on for the past week. I also keep the door to my room closed. Only time I keep it open is when I am not in my room.

I really have not been having a good day. I woke up around 0630 after falling to sleep around 0230. I stayed up till around 0800 and then some band woke me up. I have no idea where the hell they were playing but they were really loud. I needed coffee so I made a cup. I still feel like a migraine is coming on because I cannot tolerate sound. I think I will wait until the headache comes before I start medicated. It could just be because I have little sleep that I am more irritated than not. I hate being so sleep deprived. My mother thinks they were playing on the street behind us. I hope this isn’t a weekly thing. It will drive me crazy. The music wasn’t bad but the songs all sounded the same, unless they were playing the same song over and over. I have no idea. Because the amps were so loud, you could barely make out what they were trying to sing. They stopped about an hour ago so I can go back to sleep after I do my writing.

I didn’t get too many likes for my short story. I did get a lot of views on it though. I guess it’s either one or the other. Like the other night, my stats soared really high. I had 201 views in one day. That almost never happens. The most I have been getting is around 50. I do know that it was a person in the US. And they kept on coming back to my home page. It was really good to see my numbers go up. I passed 41,000 views. That means that 41,000 people have read my blog. I feel so lucky that people read my blog and can get something out of it. But most of all, they come back to read my future posts.

Last night I got really pissed while poker. I had a pair of queens and the damn game was acting up. It went to the bottom of the screen to play some stupid ad and I lost the hand! I was so pissed. Now I am weary of playing. I tried a new game today, Household. It seems very similar to Pioneer Trail, the game that closed last month. I had to try another game because I am very bored and reading only gets you so far. I really like reading but I can’t do it for long stretches of time. I just lose interest and get impatient. Last night I read two chapters of “the Idiot” and the second chapter was a challenge. I am thinking of reading “Lethal Code” but it might activate my delusional self and I really don’t want to be delusional again. I have a tendency to believe what I read is true and seeing as the cyber wars are reportedly true, it might just get my imagination running. I still have to write a review for the “Graveyard Book”. I really want to write one for this book but every time I think of something, my mind blanks when I open a new document. I might have to handwrite it and then type it up. I have it in my mind what I want to write. It’s just getting started that is the problem. Once I start, things usually go smoothly.