Tag: sleep disturbance

Saturday Blog 21

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 21

I didn’t go to sleep until 0430 in the morning. I thought I was going to pull an all nighter, and I partly did. I just couldn’t sleep to save my life. I started journaling around 2ish, thinking that would settle me down but it didn’t. I was already drugged up so I didn’t want to take more stuff because I knew that wouldn’t be good. I think that if I didn’t fall asleep, I would have taken some more Ativan. I didn’t have a good sleep. I woke up every three hours or so. I didn’t wake up but I did manage to go back to sleep after being woken up. I would basically look at the time and then go back to sleep. I finally woke up around 1130, feeling somewhat rested. I had some breakfast, well, lunch really. Then I went to Walgreens to get my cookies. Except they didn’t have my cookies. I was so sad. They had every other type of Oreo but the one I was looking for. So I decided to get some mailers and a coke. I needed to mail out some stuff for a friend that would not fit in an envelope. I also needed to mail out one of my books for a “winner”. I had put out on Twitter that if you responded by direct messaging me with your address, you would get my book for free. Trouble is, the person I wanted to respond, didn’t. So I will be sending this person my book next week. I have to get a different mailer because the one I bought was too small. Who knew that a 6×9 mailer was too small for a 6×9 book! Pissed me off, I tell ya.

I started the review that I was thinking of writing. I got half a page done before I lost interest and didn’t know what else to say. I am going to have to read the article to get more ideas, and try not to put stuff that isn’t in the article in the review. I was writing and had the inspiration to add stuff about another article but stopped myself.

My boys are winning at the moment. It’s good because they have lost their last string of games. Last night was just terrible. 12-5 loss. I stopped listening to the game when the score was 11-2. It took 39 minutes for the Angels to score 9 runs. It was so pitiful and painful. I just tuned in and the Angels have changed three pitchers. I hate pitching changes because they take so long to get ready and pitch to the batter.

Sleep is really affecting my mood, well, lack thereof. I am getting really short tempered and my mood is so bad that I don’t want to do anything. It was good that I left the house today to go to Walgreens as I felt up to it. I don’t think I would have left the house otherwise. I have been spending so much time in my room doing nothing. I have been really bored and I keep looking at the mound of shit I have in front of my closet. I keep thinking of doing something about it but I get overwhelmed and don’t do anything. I keep trying to tell myself to do one thing, like remove a box or sweatshirt. If I keep doing at least one thing a day, maybe then it won’t be so overwhelming. But I don’t. I just keep staring at the mess and that is all I do.

My mood has taken a hit with the sleep loss. I feel more depressed than I usually do. It fortunately, has not affected my reading as I have been reading my Dostoevsky book. It is the one thing that is giving me pleasure at the moment. But it is hard to read at times because the author writes about nothing and then hits you with a left curveball. Last night I was reading stuff about cannibalism, something I never thought I would read. They were discussing it at Myshkin’s birthday party, which is an odd conversation considering the topic. The author just brought it up casually, talking about how people survived famines. It got me thinking, did this happen during the Irish famine, too? Just chilling talk.

I was invited to a chat last night by one of my Twitter buddies. Talk is about Borderline Personality Disorder. I hope that I can stay up late enough to participate. I don’t particularly like this chat because I tend to feel like my opinions get slashed down. But hopefully, that will change with this chat as I have my experience to go on.

Tired of Being Tired

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression

Tired of Being Tired

I had no energy today. I thought I would take my sister’s car to Starbucks and have a mocha or some other caffeinated drink, and just journal for a few hours. But I didn’t sleep well. I fell asleep during the 10th inning of the baseball game (around 0200) and woke up around three to turn the radio off. They won in the 11th inning. I fell back to sleep for a couple of hours before my bladder said “it’s time to go”. I have been up since about six. I tried to go back to sleep but it was impossible. My bowels decided it was its turn to go and again and again and again. I had to take some Imodium to shut things down. I really didn’t want to as that sometimes bangs me up worse over the next day or two. I was exhausted from crapping all morning, literally. By the time my therapy appointment came around, I didn’t think I would stay awake during it. She was running late and I almost nodded off, missing the phone call.

She read my letter that I wrote the other night. She said that it was devastating to her. I guess it could be taken that way. I am glad I was not in the same room when she read it. I guess it upset her pretty good. That was not my intention. I wasn’t malicious in the letter. I just became really suicidal and expressed myself that way. I told her she was pretty much better off without me. Course she didn’t hear it. She still called me and then said that I have to keep all my appointments after that letter. I am stuck. She is holding the cards now. I deleted the blog that had the letter. No point in anyone reading that except her. I don’t think I should have sent it to her. I had a feeling it would worry her. Hyde writes well. I am just glad I didn’t write the same kind of letter to my psychiatrist. I think I would be in the hospital if I did.

I asked my psychiatrist to refill one of my medications to a specific pharmacy and she sent it to the wrong one. Now this pharmacy is having trouble stocking the medication. Unbelievable. I told her and she said she would send it to the right pharmacy tonight. I hope so because I am going to run out by the end of the week. And I can’t miss a dose of this medication because the delusions and psychosis will come back. She told me not to worry. I think that is easier said than done.

My sister is back home after a few days in Utah. I am glad she is back. I missed her. She sent me beautiful photos of where she was. They were absolutely gorgeous. I always wanted to go to Utah for grad school. I might have to look into it now.

And after all that I done today, which was nothing, I am tired. So very dog tired. I think that if I didn’t have my bowel issues this morning, I might have made it out today. I just couldn’t trust that it would stop. I just am sick of being tired all the time. I am sick of having my bowels dictate when I go out. I am sick of being depressed. I had no appetite today. I had a bowl of cereal, an ice cream sandwich, 2 breakfast sausages, and a cookie. That is all I could stomach. And I forced the sausages down because I didn’t feel like eating. This is the second day in a row that my stomach has been feeling full with barely any food in it. I have been drinking Gatorade and water so I don’t get dehydrated. But even that, I have to carefully sip. I am not thirsty either. I just want to sleep. I was going to ask my sister for the car tomorrow so I could see my therapist but I am just too tired. I hate feeling this fatigue all the time. I am not eating so I know that is part of the problem. And the humidity and heat are only going to get worse as the summer months come. I know we are going to have a scorching summer because we had a really cold winter. I really need to get out of the house and get my routine back. But I am so tired I can’t do that. I hope that tomorrow I feel better. Because at the rate that this is going, it isn’t going to be good. I know my mood is going to plummet more during the summer months than any other time of year. I can’t tolerate the heat. It just makes me more miserable. But this fatigue and no appetite are really bringing me down. I wish I could say that sleeping helps me, but I haven’t been able to nap or fall asleep while napping. I just lay there and my thoughts go wild. I think my not sleeping for more than a few hours at a time is really messing with me. I wake up and I don’t feel restful at all. I just am more tired as if I didn’t sleep at all.

Valentine’s Day 2015

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression

Valentine’s Day 2015

Today is my sister’s 10th anniversary. I wish them well, even though they have their disagreements, they are still together. In honor of the traditions, which is tin or metal, my brother in law gave my sister a package of aluminum foil. I had to laugh. I am still laughing.

I went to my crummy father’s. He does have a nice place, but he is the one that is crummy. He got wicked mad at me because my boot tracked in snow and salt. I am never going to hear the end of it. I filled his box of pills and waited for my sister to finish his laundry. Damn guy has it made. My youngest sister does his bills, middle sister does his clothes and makes his bed with the clean sheets, and I fill his pill box.

I didn’t shower like I wanted because I woke up kind of late. I wanted to get up around 1000, but got up around 1030 instead. I had a crappy night sleeping. I went to bed around 1930, only to wake up around 2300 to the beeping of my pill reminder alarm. I forgot to shut it off as I took my pills around the time I started snoozing. Then I was up like every fricken hour. I finally called it quits around 0300 and read for a little bit. I was in pain so took some pain meds. When they kicked in I went back to sleep for the next few hours. I woke up around 0730-0745 to hear my mother struggle down the stairs. I am always fearful she is going to fall so I listen carefully before I went back to sleep. It was really a rough night and I don’t know why. I think the dreams that I had during my nap is what kept me up. I still had a feeling of doom while sleeping, which didn’t help.

I just finished my babysitting duties. I am tired and want to go to sleep but I have crops to harvest and plant (FB game). Ankle just flared up so I doubt I will be going to sleep anytime soon. I tried ignoring the pain last night and it didn’t get me anywhere close to a restful sleep. Not ignoring it tonight.

I was able to get $20 out of the deal, so now I can put some money on my T pass and possibly go out next week. I do have to go out on Wed for a doc appointment. I just wish it in the vicinity of a Starbucks. I really miss having their coffee. Even though I make it at home, it’s not the same as going out and getting it.

I don’t think that shower is going to happen tonight like I was hoping. Maybe if I am still up in a couple of hours, I will take one. But it’s really cold in the house and I know the floor is going to be super cold. I wish we had heated tiles. That would be so nice.

Luna’s Gone

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain

Luna’s Gone

I have had this song stuck in my head for most of the day. It is a song by Mary Chapin Carpenter on her Between here and gone CD. I was listening to this CD the other night. Her music is so soothing to me.

Having a rough day. Had to deal with my mother that woke me from a sound sleep so I could put on compression stockings on her. Not a good thing when you only got crap sleep to begin with. I am still pissed and I think she overrided my Tivo to not record one of my shows. I will be very upset and she will hear about it. I hate when she doesn’t let me record my shows. I pay for the damn cable dammit. But I am so sleep deprived, I don’t want to go downstairs and see if she did or not. I don’t have the energy to explode on her.

I have been in pain most of the day. It has been hard walking around because I am having problems putting weight on my foot. It doesn’t like it. And it is the same pain that I have been experiencing last night. My last three toes on my left foot have just exploded and hurt very badly. My big toes feels like someone is trying to cram it into something or make it shorter than what it is. I just know that I am in mega pain and I am not happy about it. My big toe really feels like some one is trying to snip it off too. I love these weird sensations that I get. Got to love nerve damage, NOT.

I figured out that my foot weakness is part of the problem. If I try and work my ankle/foot into normal moves, it becomes fatigued and then it starts hurting. The longer I try to keep my foot in a certain position, the more fatigued it gets and the more I hurt. I don’t even realize I am doing anything out of the ordinary because don’t all people keep their foot in a flexed position while walking or sitting? I think they do. I can’t seem to keep my feet flat on the ground like you are supposed to, mostly because I am short and the chair makes my foot dangle. Anyways, whenever I try and keep my foot in that upward position, my pain goes through the roof. It is not right away, because what fun would that be. It has to come out right before I want to go to sleep.

Last night I only slept for about 45 minutes to an hour when I had a strange, disturbing dream. I dreamt that someone had left me a comment on my blog telling me to kill myself and how to do it. The weird part of it was that it was in my handwriting. Creepy. And it scared me. I told my therapist about it tonight and she doesn’t know what to make of it. So much for dream analysis. She is getting worried because the dream process was so quick. Normally you need at least ninety minutes to reach REM sleep. I am achieving it in less than that time frame. When I see my psychiatrist next week, I will bring it up. Maybe I need to see a sleep specialist or something. I already have trouble sleeping but it’s not because of insomnia or overthinking. It is because of fricken pain. And this pain is just so bad I really just want to chop my foot off. But I don’t know if the pain is what is causing my sleep to be so disorganized. I really don’t know. Sometimes I can’t sleep because I have to write something. I have to either physically or electronically write something to “calm down”. And then once it is out of my system, I can go to sleep. My sleep pattern has been the same for the past three weeks. I sleep in three to four hour stints. It is rare that I sleep continuously straight for six hours or more. I am hoping I sleep at least six hours tonight as I am really tired.