Tag: suicidality

psychache and therapy

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain

Woke up this morning in pain again. I couldn’t stand it. I tried getting in touch with my therapist to have a session to deal with this pain. But couldn’t get in touch with her till after I took my really strong pain pills. I had to break the cycle as it’s been almost ten days now that I have had this pain and nothing seems to be calming it down. I know once the weather decides to stay at a normal temp I will be happy. My brother in law just put in the A/C so my room should be 50 degrees in another hour or so. I hate being this miserable. I really wanted my Isla Flores today but I couldn’t go out because the really strong pain meds put me out and I would be stupid all day. I slept till about an hour before my therapy appt. My therapist finally texted me a time we could meet.

I wish I could say that it went well but it just left me feeling depressed and hopeless. We did a psychache scale and it was 50 something, which is high but not as high as she was expecting. The whole thing just bummed me out because I know I am in dire straights and she knows I am going to kill myself in a few months. She is trying to lessen the ache to lessen the suicide/press. But I don’t think you can do that without first dealing with my physical pain which is the cause of all of this. I can’t help but think that if I didn’t have chronic physical pain, I would be somehow ok and might want to live. I might actually use my brain to get a grant to get back to school. I am just eight classes short of my degree. That is two semesters full time. I probably won’t be able to go full time because it will cause major psych issues but I can go at least half time. I will beat doing nothing all day. But I rather just focus on my death.

I want to die because it is my only option right now. I can’t think straight with this pain and I know you shouldn’t kill yourself when you are suicidal but I am not per se suicidal. I am just thinking about ending my life and planning a means towards that ends. I feel rational about this. Nothing about this feels wrong. Sure I can go on living in misery but I am choosing not to. I know my family will not understand. No family would. But I am tired of being in pain. I am tired of the endless, sleepless nights of agony I feel every single night. The burning. The stabbing. The zaps. I can’t take it anymore. Just knowing that I have a plan gives me comfort in that I won’t have to suffer anymore.

I told my therapist today that I will have to hurt her. She refuses to stop treating me. I can’t make her go away. I have tried to give her an out so she doesn’t have to be around me when I do this but she refuses. Today she was talking about some therapist that believes in psychache as resilience. I really have no idea what she was talking about and neither did my therapist. She gave me her name but I don’t remember it. I think it would be interesting to see her but I don’t have time. Then my therapist says that she wants me to see a consultant again. I don’t know what he will want to do other than tell me he doesn’t want me to die. She asked me today if she could talk with my psychiatrist and I said sure. There is nothing you two can do to stop me from my plans. If I don’t do it in a few months I will do it on my original date. I have until then to change my mind. But the way things are going, I don’t think I can change my mind. I just took another strong pain pill, my second of the day. Maybe two will work this time and tomorrow I can get my Isla Flores. I have not been out of the house all weekend. I think tomorrow will be a good time to get out.

Ramblings 41

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging

I have not been feeling well the past few days. I have been in pain that has been unbearable and it has been unbearably hot. I still don’t have my A/C in as the temps are supposed to drop over the next few days. I cannot wait till it does because I hate to sweat.

I sent my chapter on my psychiatrist yesterday and got a response today. She loved it. I feel humbled by that as I thought there would be something she would want to change or take out and she just liked it as is. This is the book that I am writing. I wanted to show her what I was writing in case I had some things wrong or something and she liked it. She has been a major support of mine. I can’t tell you how much she has supported my writing. I remember when I my poster got accepted for my first poster session for the American Association of Suicidology. She wanted to be there but was there in spirit. She liked my writing then and really likes my blogs. I think I have learned a lot from her more than she realizes. But then we are going on twenty years of knowing one another.

I still don’t understand why my foot is bothering me today. I didn’t do anything except watch tv. I had my foot up most of the time. I just don’t get it.

Today was to start the pill but I am still bleeding so I am debating on it. I might hold off another week. I kind of am afraid of using the patch because I am afraid with the heat I will sweat it off and then what am I going to do? I know this sounds brilliant just having to use a patch for week than take a pill every day but with the heat wave on, I am a little cautious. I just hope I don’t have an allergic reaction with it or something. That the other thing that I am worried about. I got sensitive skin. I just don’t want the adhesive to hurt me. I hope that it also comes off easily.

Don’t know if I mentioned this, but my therapist pissed me off about psychache scales and such. I tried taking one yesterday but I am in so much physical pain, it was next to impossible to sort out my emotional pain from my physical. I couldn’t believe I was caught in the conundrum. I thought it would be an easy assessment as I was not feeling any psychache but the questions were specific and I just couldn’t separate how I was feeling physically with how I was doing emotionally. I found it very frustrating. I had to leave it half undone. So then this got me thinking that maybe I should read Managing Suicide Risk to get some insight into how to separate my thoughts from how my physically I am feeling but I couldn’t get into it. It’s not like it was technical or anything, I just didn’t have the brain power with this heat. Even now all I want to do is sleep. My Sox game is being delayed due to the weather.

I haven’t been eating much the past few days. I have had no appetite since this heat wave started. I haven’t lost any weight though, which is weird. I guess I am eating enough for my daily requirements. Today all I had was a bowl of mac and cheese and an ice cream sandwich. I didn’t feel like eating anything else. I have been drinking a lot of fluids though. I had at least 3 big glasses of lemonade/ice tea. I figure I have to keep hydrated even if it means going to the bathroom more.

A day at Starbucks

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

I’m at Starbucks drinking my Isla Flores. I don’t know what I am going to do when they get rid of this coffee. I like it more than West Java and it is from the same island (Indonesia). It is really hot today so I am glad they have the A/C cranking in here. It’s going to reach 95 degrees today. I don’t like heat. It drives me crazy. There have been studies done on suicide that state that intolerable heat causes suicide, or makes it more prone to suicidality. I know because there have been times I have thought more about suicide on hot days than I have on cold.

I have an appointment with my psychiatrist today. I don’t know if I am going to tell her about my plans. I don’t want to risk going into the hospital. Though for the first time in a long time, I didn’t wake up with doom on my mind today. I slept pretty good. That is the first time I slept through the night without waking up at some early time. I still have my menses and cramps, that are driving me crazy, especially on this hot day. I want to go into a pool and get wet today but that is not going to happen. I’ll just take a shower when I get home to cool off.

I am glad I brought my laptop to Sbux today. I like writing outside of my room. I might work on my book today. I haven’t worked on it in so long. I added double space and it is now 48 pages. I guess that is a good number to start with. There are some things that I’m editing as I go along.

Despite lowering the dose of my antipsychotic medication, I have not had any delusions or bad voices. The voices will ramp up at night to keep me talking by asking questions of my day or come in when I am resting. I hate that. I try to ignore them but they get so insistent. Sometimes it is just questioning how my day is going; other times they question every decision I am making. Why am I taking this bus over that bus, why am ordering this food over that food. You sure you want to do that rather than this. Or they tell me that I am doing everything wrong, some times including breathing. Like is there a correct way to breathe? Seriously. Half the time you are not even aware of it so WTF. Or they ask me why I am doing something, like just now they asked me why I put my sock in my sock and I reply that I don’t want to lose the other sock. I found this method has worked to keeping my pairs of socks together. Less mismatching.

It is like a sauna in my room right now. The ceiling fan is just moving hot air around. While I was at my psychiatrist appointment, I wanted to do a psychache scale. I no longer write the graphs in my journal as right now it just wastes paper as I don’t use it. So I look on my phone. I don’t have it in my files. I check my dropbox files and my google drive, NA-DA. I am pissed. I hate not having my files when I want them!! So now I have to place these documents and the SSF on my drives because I don’t have them. It would be nice to have them in an emergency. Like when I was in the hospital and they needed a safety plan for me to be discharged. I didn’t have my crisis response plan (CRP; see this blog for what it looks like) in my journal because it was a new journal. I didn’t have it written out in a word doc so I had to rummage through my PDF’s looking for it on my phone/tablet. Then I had to write it all out, substituting what my therapist and I came up with the generics of it. That was fun because I had to rush. But what truly pissed me off was that they didn’t even want a copy of the damn thing. They just wanted to make sure that I had one. So sometimes the CRP is useful in hospitalizations and sometimes it is not.

Hot and muggy

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging

Hot and muggy

It’s a very warm day in Boston today. I am sweating and not liking this heat very much. I have not done anything except edit my book and talk to my therapist. She wants me to do a SSF, suicide status form as “the situation calls for it.” I could care less at this point. I am just so pissed off. I didn’t want to talk to her today. I should have canceled but I know she would have called me anyways.

Since finding out my date, she has been acting like a total psycho. I guess the date has some significance for her and it’s not like I knew that. I didn’t. I know her birthday is in Aug but it is NOT the day I picked to end my life. So I don’t know what her problem is. People die every day. We have put the date off for now but I don’t think I can. I want to end my life because I am tired of being in pain all the time. I can’t stand living like this anymore. I feel like a useless piece of shit. I told her I wrote to my psychiatrist a letter that I will probably send the day of the deed. I just can’t send it to her now because she probably will hospitalize me against my will again. I don’t want to be in the hospital and it will do no good being in the hospital because they just want to change your meds and if they can’t do that than within three days you are released. What are you going to accomplish in three days? NOTHING.

Why am I against the SSF? I don’t know, maybe because I am the one that introduced it to her and I feel like it is a slap in the face. I don’t think this will work because she never follows through with the whole thing anyways. We never resolve my suicidality. Soon as I don’t feel like doing one, it gets dropped and the whole thing fails. I guess I feel like why should I fill out a piece of paper that is going to tell me how I already feel? It’s not like I don’t hate myself, have psychache, am stressed to the maxed, am hopeless beyond belief, and am going to kill myself in a few months. I have no reason for living, and plenty of reasons for dying. Having my menses still is one of them.

I have had my menses for more than a month now. I am tired of it and my skin is irritated by the feminine products I have to wear and by my underwear. I am not used to wearing elastic fitting underwear that women wear. I rather wear boxer shorts but you can’t hold a feminine product in them. It makes me so uncomfortable and angry. More angry than I know what to do with and I have no one to take it out on. It’s not anybody’s fault really. I have the xx chromosome and not the xy so I guess I can blame my father as he is the one responsible for the Y chromosome! Another reason to hate him!

I know a shower might do me some good, washing off the stink of things and maybe cool me down some from this heat but I just can’t be bothered right now. I will later today. I have to as I really reek. I can no longer use deodorants because I have a rash under my armpit. It is going to be an interesting summer. I also have not shaved in a while because I have an open scratch where the rash is. I can’t help it. It is itchy!! So far the only thing helping is hydrocortisone cream. I hope it goes away soon.

Another thing about the SSF, it is not that I don’t like it. I actually praise it because it is a good tool to use. But the draw back like I said before is that I don’t think it can help me because I know how to “cheat” on it, per se. I know what the answers should be and that does not help me in the long run.

Another thing she asked me today was what was my psychache. I have not filled out a Holden psychache scale in so long. I don’t know what it would be. And again, it doesn’t matter. All it will prove is that I have psychological pain. I just feel very hopeless about this. I can’t help it. I am trying to get her to see that she will be losing me and to get away from me as far as she can and she just won’t do it. I just don’t care.