Tag: suicidality

not all disabilities are visible

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain

I was coming home from Davis, riding on the bus and these two women were saying how young people (aka me) doesn’t have respect for disability or older people anymore. UM, hello. I was sitting in the disabled seat because I AM disable you fucking idiots. Just because you might not see it doesn’t mean I don’t have it. It got me really upset and if I had my cane I would have bopped them off the head. It kills me when I can’t give up my seat on the bus like I used to because it hurts me to stand and plus, the current bus driver was speeding and stopping short at every stop. I would have hurt myself if I had to stand. So excuse me if I chose to sit.

I already was in a bad mood. I only got six hours of sleep and had to get out to get my coffee because Isla Flores was calling my name. I just had to get out of the house today, even though it ended up down pouring rain at times. I had to get out anyways because I had to pick up my prescription.

I wrote another nasty letter to my therapist in the wee hours of the morning, basically telling her that I am going to die and there is nothing you can do about it. I thought of writing out the letter as a blog so people can see where my mind goes at night but it is too frightening to go back there. I wrote a lot of morbid thoughts trying to defend my decision to kill myself because of my pain. I came close to revealing my plan or at least my date but I refrained.

I don’t know why I am in a rotten mood. It is spring. No more snow and winter storms. I should be semi-happy but I am not. I know part of it is because of the pain I deal with every day. But mostly it is because I am just an unhappy person. I have never felt contentment for more than a few weeks in my life and I have never felt no suicidal feelings at any point in my adult life. I have always felt like I should be dead or that I need to die. After almost thirty-eight years of this, I think that being in the ground six feet under is a welcome.

a little bit about psych hospitalizations

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mental disorders, mood disorders, psychache, suicide

Had a frustrating session with my therapist today. She was all in my business on the transgender issues today for some reason. I don’t know why she brings it up and I just get really mad when she does because I feel like she is really getting into my personal business. I just feel like if I want to talk about it, I WILL bring it up, not her. She feels that I should be in a TG group, which I don’t want to be in. Right now I got so many different things going on in my head, the last thing on my mind is my TG. I am really struggling dealing with chronic pain all the time and wanting to escape from it but knowing there is no escape unless I am sleeping 24/7. Today I had a quick shower, less than fifteen minutes, and I still was in pain from standing that length of time. It sucks. I am supposed to have coffee with a friend of mine today. I am still waiting for his phone call to meet up.

The we talked a little about how yesterday fizzled me. I don’t know but I feel like I am going to explode soon with anger toward her. I know that part of the reason is that I brought up the roots of why I am suicidal, though it still isn’t quite clear. All I remember is that I wanted to die when I was eight years old. By the age of ten I was planning my death on my birthday because I didn’t want to make it to eleven. Greed spoiled that plan because I wanted to see what kind of gifts I got and I wasn’t going to kill myself on Christmas. That would be wrong as God would never have forgiven me (this was what I was thinking at the age of ten). I was depressed from then on but always kept it hidden from everyone. I tried to keep it hidden though some days I just didn’t want to be around anyone. I started moving away from my best friend in middle school. We were at different schools and different grade school levels. I didn’t want to burden him with my thoughts of death. He wanted me to see someone but I knew I wasn’t crazy so why talk to a counselor. I just thought that I would get in huge trouble if I spoke to some one outside of the family. Things that went on in the family, stayed in the family. I wasn’t supposed to tell anyone what was going on. And it hurt because I was hurting. I don’t know why. My father was an asshole and still is. He cares more about himself than another person. He is part of the reason I turned out the way I did. My mother didn’t really do anything to stop my father from being abusive. She just let him have the run of the household like wives do. And my sisters dealt with it by turning to their friends. I didn’t have too many friends outside of school until high school. Then there was just this one friend but still I don’t think she knew just how great my suicidality was. We didn’t talk about it. We avoided feelings and just hung out and listened to music or do homework. We were the nerds in school. I didn’t mind it. Schoolwork kept my mind off things. Until everything fell apart during my freshman year. I can’t talk about the details because it will just trigger my PTSD. Even now I am getting anxious about it.

So with all this stuff that my therapist knows, why would my TG (transgender) stuff be at the highlight of my life right now? I know that she thinks that the reason why I planned a date is because if I don’t do something to change me, then I will die. But things have changed now. Yes I could move forward to my transition and be all good with that, but that still isn’t going to change the fact that I have chronic pain every day that isn’t helped with medication. Sometimes the medication does help. Sometimes the cream that my doctor prescribed helps. I didn’t plan or maybe I already knew that things are always going to be the same. I am always going to be in pain in some shape or another. And that is why I feel like I can’t go on anymore. It is my decision. No one has the right to stop me. They can try and prevent it by putting me in the hospital but that is no guarantee that when I get out, I won’t kill myself. More patient die on discharge than anything. And even the hospital knows this. They know that if you are chronically suicidal, they still let you out after a few days in. It’s like they are saying “well, we stopped the immediate threat of you killing yourself but we hope that by keeping you here we took that away. No, you are still suicidal? Well you can go home now”. I have had this happen to me time and time again. No I have not attempted while discharged but it left me feeling like no one cared or maybe they just didn’t believe that suicidality can lasts more than 3-14 days. And you know part of it is dictated by the insurance company that you have. It’s like the insurance company says when you are well and when you are not. Soon as you show some interest in groups and start participating in the hospital program, boom, ready for discharge, even if your life still sucks and you want to die. They don’t have time to deal with you wanting to die. Just want to know if today you are going to kill yourself. Because if you want to kill yourself next week or the day after that is fine. You can do that. And I love when they ask you will you come back if the suicidal feelings return. UM, hello, they never left!!

So in essence, you are better off not going in the hospital. The best course is to stay in outpatient treatment as long as possible. Because either way, you are still going to have the same therapist to deal with when you get out of the hospital unless you quit therapy. Then you truly are on your own.

having a rough day

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt

Having a rough day.

Day is not going the way I wanted. I just wanted to sleep today but I am sick with allergies and post nasal drip. I can’t walk more than a few feet without a wave of nausea after sniffling or sneezing. I just took one of my anti-nausea pills that I use for my migraine to try and curb it as it should have stopped by now. I might be getting a migraine but I don’t know until sound or light starts bothering me. I just wanted to spend the day sleeping but that didn’t work for me. Once I woke up, I found it hard to go back to sleep. Plus it didn’t help that I was waiting for a text from my therapist so every text message I was jumping on.

I started re-reading my book but it just sounds stupid at this point. I hate reading and just feel like I should start a new paragraph and start there but I just don’t know what to write.

I still have not started my lyric song book. I think I will wait until the new Lady A album comes out tomorrow. I just some of the lyrics to their new songs and it sounds so amazing. I really love Lady A. They are a cool country group. I wish my Jennifer Nettles would hurry off her maternity leave and get back to work. But I know how it is with babies and such. It’s hard to leave them when they need constant care. I just am dying for some new Sugarland music!!

Been listening to the radio, something I don’t do regularly. I usually just listen to my MP3 player and listen to Taylor, Jason Aldean and Gary Allan. But the radio you get to listen to everyone. Today was the premiere of Tim Mcgraw’s video, “Highway Don’t Care”. I cried. It was so moving. Definitely going to be an award winner.

My Red Sox pulled out another win in the 11th inning. They would have won earlier if they didn’t call Drew out at the plate when the catcher didn’t apply the tag. The home plate ump sucked from that point on.

Right now it is four thirty in the morning and I am up with an upset stomach ache. I took some stuff to quiet it down but it still is bothering me. I hope I don’t throw up. I hate throwing up.

I finally got a reason for the nausea earlier today as I got a migraine in the 4th inning of the game. I hate migraines too.

I got to talk to my therapist today. I told her about the letter. She wanted me to read it to her but I told her I had already put it in an envelope for mailing. I did read her my blog from the other night, talking about me being a failure. She was trying to get me to see that I wasn’t but I paid no attention. She also wanted me to see my reasons for living but I can’t see that when I am suicidal. I can’t think of that. It holds me back and that is what she tries to do. And I hate her for it. I hate being forced to live for the sake of the people around me. It’s like being blackmailed to live. And I don’t like it one bit.

I’m getting sleepy now so I will stop here and continue this another day.

don’t failures always fail?

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide, suicide attempt

Had a bad night. Right before going to bed I decided to write my therapist a letter. I don’t know what possessed me to write to her at such a late hour but I did. It started off ok but then the more I wrote, the more I got upset. I starting thinking about how my life would be better off if I wasn’t in it. Then I started off saying that there is no point in being in therapy anyways if I was just going to take my life. And what is the point of therapy, why do I continue to go on knowing that I am going to take my life anyways. This time there is no doubt about it. I plan on taking my life sometime this year because there is no way I am going to live another year of being in chronic physical and emotional pain. I just can’t do it. I know there are people out there that have the same condition as me, who have the same degree of depression, who have no reason to go on. They might be down on their luck and everything that goes with it but they will get better with time. I also know they endure because suicide, although appealing to them, just doesn’t seem to be the answer for them or maybe they have tried and realized they are better off suffering. I don’t know. I just know that I am done. I am done trying to sort out my life knowing that I am a failure in everything I do. I might fail on this last bid to exit this world but at least I can’t say that I didn’t try hard enough this time. I have been planning for years and if I don’t do it now, then I might as well just stop saying that I am going to kill myself when I know I’m not. I want to be dead, why is that hard for people to understand. I know there are people in my life that will have no clue why I’m suicidal, but I am hoping these blogs will help them understand that I am just a loser who fails at everything I do. I should be places right now, have my degree and be on my own, making the kind of money a degree brings. Instead my illness has robbed me of that and so much more. It has destroyed my credit history and I really don’t care much anymore because I will be dead. Least I hope I will be. I might fail because I am just a failure and don’t failures always fail?