Tag: suicide attempt

feeling broken

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, mood disorders

Today I have been thinking about Lincoln. I read a passage in the book I am reading and one of Harvard’s psychiatrist mentioned that “no mere prescription [can teach us] about how to live a successful life in the face of suffering”(Lester Havens, MD).

I admire Lincoln for working through his suffering yet being successful in what he did. It was so painful and others around him could see and palpate his pain. I think if Lincoln grew up in another time period, he might have been either institutionalized or he would have killed himself. He would not have become the 16th president. But I think, as I am a depressive myself and can totally relate to what he went through, even if antidepressant were available, he would not take them. There have been notions that he might have dabbled in laudanum or cocaine even, but give his strict stance on temperance, I sincerely doubt he would have used any type of drug to ease his suffering. In fact, given the his profound pain, I think he would have ended up overdosing on these. I have thought of making laudanum. There are recipes on the internet on how to make it but it takes time, like all things. And you need the right equipment, though this equipment is much cheaper than that used of say a meth lab. I doubt I could do it, not with my family around, especially as I would need the darkness of the basement to “cook” the stuff in. My brother in law would find it as the basement is his area. I don’t think he would take too kindly to me having a little space to make something illegal. But I have thought about it. Mostly, I just wanted to make the stuff to OD on not to really use as a pain reliever.

I still am broken up about the violation my therapist did yesterday. I am trying not to think about it because I know ruminating about it is not going to help. I have thought of writing her a letter, but seeing as I don’t see her in person and it will be a week or so before she gets it, I don’t think that is going to help me. Yes, I might read it to her on Tuesday on our next session. But I have to stifle these feelings until then and it just doesn’t seem right. I know she didn’t mean to harm me. Hell, I didn’t even think she would KNOW how to get on the web with her phone while we were talking. But the little nitwit did. I have texted her saying she is in deep shit with me. That somehow made me feel a little better as we can open the session with that. But I don’t know how to get through the weekend feeling like this. I know I will, I always do. I am going to the Bon Jovi concert tomorrow so that will get things off my mind, least for a day or so. My only worry tomorrow will be standing too long and getting dehydrated as we are in the middle of a heat wave.

I can’t help but feel broken inside. The one person that I trusted the most in the world violated it in three minutes. She even read the other blog that I didn’t want her to read. So that makes two blogs she read without my consent. I don’t know why I didn’t stop her or say something while we were talking. I know that if were talking in person this probably wouldn’t have happened. She might have goaded me into getting the blog on my phone and sharing it but that would have been different. I could control what she saw. I guess that is it, I feel out of control in a situation I should have had control of. And the blog didn’t contain anything real worthy of the violation. It wasn’t as if my safety was in jeopardy. I just jotted down some thoughts that I thought would go into a suicide note. That is what started the whole “let’s read the blog then” action. I think her possessiveness is getting out of control. Everything I write she thinks is free rein to her. I wrote a letter to Dr. Jobes and she wanted me to read it to her. I was like sorry, it’s not addressed to you so you do not have permission. She wanted to get behind the thinking of the letter but I had the letter at home and there was no way for her to get at it. It wasn’t like I was waving it around in her face or something. I just don’t know what to do. I am stuck with her as no other therapist wants me in the area I live in. They are too afraid of my suicidality. The hardest part is that I can’t even talk to my psychiatrist about this because I don’t see her till next Friday. And I don’t want to email this to her because I just don’t even know what to say. I don’t even know if she (my therapist) truly did violate boundaries. And even if I did call my pdoc, you know she is going to say just work it out with her. Or wonder why I am calling her (pdoc) to begin with.

I guess in this age of blogs and internet there are no more boundary limits anymore and I never thought for one second I would feel this way. Makes me wonder if I should stop blogging all together and just keep a written journal.

therapists and feeling violated

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, depression

I’m tired. I didn’t get that much sleep last night because I was up in the wee hours of the morning. I then had to wake up early for my therapy session. I feel kind of violated for some reason because she was able to read my blog while we were talking. Usually I send it to her in advance so she can read it but this time, I didn’t want her to read it. But the little snot figured out how to. I then had to talk about what I wrote, which I didn’t feel like doing. I don’t even remember what I wrote. I know the world can see what I write. I know that at least 30 people a day read my blog. But they are mostly strangers to me, if I know them at all. To have my therapist just barge in on my writing, it just felt wrong. I am kind of upset over it but there not much I can do about it now.

Like a commentator wrote, I am not the scumbag of the universe. That was the thing we (my therapist and I) were arguing about. Apparently, she doesn’t love scumbags so I can’t be one. Well sorry but I felt that way at the time I wrote it. I still feel pretty nasty, as in awful low life of the planet that should be exterminated. I guess I am not in good space today and I don’t know why. I still am so sleepy. I haven’t had my coffee today because I am running low on my Starbucks funds. I have to ration my coffee funds till Wednesday. I know I can make some coffee at my sister’s. I made a decent iced coffee the other day. It didn’t wake me up like Starbucks but it got the gears moving so I could type and read a little bit. I do have my Starbucks tribute but it’s kind of late and it might keep me up if I have it now.

I think I am cycling or something. One day I can’t sleep to save my life and the next day all I want to do is sleep. I don’t see my pdoc until next week. These episodes are driving me crazy. I hate not knowing what is going on. And the psychache that I have been feeling has been off the hook. One minute I am fine the next I am in horrible pain. I feel chest pain or a weight on my chest and I can’t breathe normally. It’s not an anxiety attack, I know what those feel like. This is something different and happens when the psychache just creeps up on me to remind me it’s still there. I think that is why I haven’t been able to get anything done that I wanted to. I just have been weighed down with this invisible weight. I guess that is what makes me sleepy.

I have to bitch about my game that I play. I have been playing the same game on Facebook for the past three years now. I like it because it gives you missions to accomplish and it is better than Farmville where all you do is plant things. You still plant things on the Pioneer Trail but now the missions have increased and are getting more ridiculous. The latest one has you having to fill daily orders. The thing is the stuff you need to fill the order has to come from your neighbors and planted for 7 hrs so you really need to jump on this game for you to collect the stupid gold dust I think. I don’t know if I am making sense but the only other way of beating this mission is by buying horseshoes, which means you have to spend money. I don’t have the money to spend for this game anymore. I used to when I had it but now I don’t. I used to call it my entertainment expenses. But I’m broke now and even if I did have the money I am not going to buy horseshoes for a mission that is going to be impossible tomorrow and require more horseshoes. I have three facebook profiles just to play this game, so that I can get the stuff that I need. It’s because every time I request stuff, my neighbors don’t respond. I respond to their stuff, but they never respond to mine. There’s one little twit I just want to tell her you got to give in order to receive but I feel it would be a waste of my time. And she is always begging for stuff. If the stuff she needs I happen to need also, I will get the reward. Other than that, she can keep requesting. I just made it to level 118.

out of luck

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt

On another note, I know this is going to sound really irrational, but I can’t kill myself this year. There are no fridays that fall on the 17th. SO I am out of luck. I am kind of both angry and relieved because I just wanted to do this but too many people are depending on me and it was getting harder and harder to commit. Especially as I half concocted the idea that my therapist should tell me she loves me or something of that nature. I guess I need to be reminded that people do care about me and would miss me because some times I don’t think anyone really cares.

constriction and rationality

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

Been in an angry mood today after therapy. I just realized that if I kill myself on the date I was planning on, it won’t mess with the statistics like I thought it would. I tried to find another Friday with a 17 this year and there isn’t so now I am permanently retired with the suicidal planning, for now. I am so friggin pissed off. And to make it worse, my therapist talked me into another fricken session for tomorrow.

I’m listening to Bon Jovi to try and calm down but it’s making me a little more agitated as I really love their music and sing along to it. But it is distracting me from writing. I might be a little hoarse tomorrow from singing…

I got up early today and made myself breakfast. I had like two hours to kill before I had therapy so decided to get my coffee earlier than I usually do. I had to do something as this heat is intolerable. I am stuck in my room because it is the only cool place in the house. AND I am bored as hell. I might watch a movie today or MASH. I haven’t had my MASH fix in a while. I miss seeing Alan Alda and the guy that plays Frank Burns. It cracks me up. And I need some laughter.

I just read a blog about a parent that lost her daughter to suicide recently. The girl was 23 and was in med school. She wrote a two paged suicide note so suicide was on her mind for quite some time to write such a detailed note. Funny, with all my planning, I thought of writing on but I have yet to do so. I figured when the time came I would do it. I would have to write several, for each family member, except my father. He doesn’t deserve one. Nor would he be able to read it as he is illiterate when it comes to the English language. I don’t know how he has been in this country for more than forty years and has yet to pick up the basic words or even try to learn the language. He speaks it ok but now that he is older he some times forget to speak English and will rattle off in Italian. But I digress…

I don’t know what I would say in my letters. That I am sorry that I couldn’t be around and take the pain anymore. That the depression was too much and I couldn’t stand it. That no one is to blame for my death. My treatment team did the best they could in treating me but still couldn’t get through this resistant depression that I have. No medication really worked. I still suffered despite being medicated. No hospitalization worked to the full effect, especially the last few times I was in. The whole system is a failure but that is another issue. I love each of you dearly but sadly that love is not enough to suffice the pain I feel every day. Even with the courageous help of my therapist she couldn’t break through to me that I mean something to someone. I am a nothing and always will be.

Something like that anyways. There will be no need to mention that I feel like and was meant to be a boy. It just seems like a mute point. I know that I will never be a male nor will I ever be seen as one. I will always be seen as a daughter or a sister. And that is painful to me.

My therapist said that I am being irrational even though I am feeling rational because I am so constricted with feeling suicidal. I do feel rational. She even went as far as calling me borderline psychotic. I had to laugh. I do feel rational about my decision to kill myself. It seems logical that if I am suffering as much as I am, I have the decision to end my life because I want my suffering to end. It doesn’t have to make sense to anyone but me. Like that girl that killed herself, I am happy for her because she is no longer suffering. I know her parents are and her friends. Depression hurts. There is no denying that. It affects more than just the sufferer. My therapist was trying to get me to see that I matter to people but I don’t think I really do sometimes. I think I am the scumbag of the universe and I deserve to die. I don’t know why I think that way but I do. Even with the accomplishment of having 10,000 readers, I still feel useless. I might help one person with my writings but I think about the ones that I can’t reach. Like the people that ask questions about cauda equina syndrome. Those people are more at risk for suicide than those suffering from depression alone. But I guess I can’t save the world.