Tag: suicide ideation

how the midnightdemons came to be

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

I am at my starbucks drinking my Kati Kati while reading Noonday Demon. A fellow blogger reminded me about it and decided to pick it up again.

Noonday Demon by Andrew Solomon is where I got the idea for the name of my blog. While he experiences his demons during the noon time hour, I experience them during the midnight hours. Thursday night was the perfect example of that. I was talking with my therapist today about this and she thinks I dissociated into Mr. Hyde again. I’m still trying to remember what triggered me. I had been depressed most of that day. My first blog of that day was me writing about how I was tired of living. I don’t know if that is what set me off or if it was my never ending menstrual cycle. Though I don’t think you can call it a cycle at the present time. It more like a never ending flowing that has gone on for weeks now.

I am just reading the part in the book where he is describing depression as a vine that just stifles you. With each growth, it just takes more and more of your energy to fight it until you are wondering why you are existing. You are praying for death as you can’t understand why the vine has not stopped your breathing. You continue to exist in this shell of an existence. That is how I feel right now. The depression, a word I forgot that describes me, has stifled my existence and is trying to extinguish me. These blackout dissociations are one clue that I am not with it. But the problem becomes how to deal with it. Hospital will only treat the symptoms of my depression, and there are no meds for dissociation. I still think that it is just a symptom of my suicidality. I am too far depressed and have crossed over into the blackness of existence. I may not feel suicidal all the time but obviously I still am on an unconscious level. Or maybe it is subconscious. Either way, I don’t know what to do about it. I am sort of scared that I might try to end my life while in this state. It most likely will be an impulsive move. And with that, I won’t have my crisis response plan to use. I will only be focused on whatever it is I am feeling at that moment and how to get rid of it. Luckily, the midnightdemons have only been writing about the end of my life. I don’t think I have attempted anything because I’m still here and there are no empty bottles of pills, knife or razor wounds, or ligature marks to indicate to me that I have tried something.

The mind is very complex. It can focus on writing something very emotional yet still listen to music as you write. I really want to try and see if the Neurontin that I take has been the cause of the dissociations that I have been experiencing. But I am afraid that if I do and something were to happen, I won’t remember it. I barely remember that I took the pills to begin with so obviously, something was brewing BEFORE my dose. I don’t take the Neurontin on a daily basis. I usually just take it when the burning sensation is too much or if I want to zone out. But lately, the being zoned out part has not worked for me the last couple of times I have taken it. Which is a total bummer.

If I do end up in the hospital, I have no idea what to tell my family. Usually I tell them I have to go in to adjust my medication or that I am just deeply depressed. It becomes a hard time for me because when I get out, I am watched like a hawk. Or it just becomes a surprise as I have not been showing signs of my depression. The only thing that is really keeping me out (aside from losing my phone) is my mother’s hypo attacks. I don’t think I can forgive myself if something were to happen to her while I was in the hospital, especially since now I think she has an infection in her foot. Infections and diabetes do not mix.

I wish my psychiatrist would respond to the email I sent her. Sometimes I just like acknowledgement of the email to know she got it and that it wasn’t lost in cyber world. But she is on vacation and I don’t see her until next Friday.

My Sox are off tonight. They are in Toronto for their series against the Blue Jays. I don’t know what I am going to do tonight. I might accompany my mother to the ER to get her foot looked at. I hate going to ERs. They are not fun. I am hoping they will take her quickly but it all depends on how urgent other cases are. I feel really bad for my mother. I know what it is like having foot pain. I go through it every day. In fact, I woke up with it this morning. I had to take some pain meds and I then fell back asleep until my mother called to tell me she couldn’t see her doctor today because he and the covering doc was on vacation. Does that make sense?? Why bother covering for someone if you know you are going on vacation too! Pisses me off.

So now you know how the midnight demons came to be called. Though I still don’t know what is causing them to exist. I think exhaustion has something to do with it. I am wicked tired and instead of sleeping, I just go off into Mr. Hyde until I do finally succumb to sleep. It just sucks that I am writing very dark stuff before I do fall asleep. But I have been lucky so far that I have not done anything. I hope it continues to stay that way. If I am going to kill myself, I want to be in the present state of mind and not be out of it. Or maybe it is better that I am out of it…

boring day

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

Today I wanted to clean my car out but it didn’t happen. I instead watched the baseball game and felt so sleepy afterwards. I don’t know why I have been getting these sleepy sessions after I have been up for a few hours. I did not have coffee today. I really need to get my car cleaned out so that I can get some money for it. It is a junk box right now as it hasn’t been running for over a year. It probably will, if you jump start it. I will try and do that tomorrow.

The Sox lost. I am not in a happy mood. I have not really been in a good mood even before they lost. I still have been dealing with the stupid menses today. I can’t believe I am going on week four of this crap. It is so bumming me out. FOUR fricken weeks of this shit. My migraine went away and now I think it is back again. I don’t know why I have a migraine. I haven’t really been out except in my back yard, where I finally had enough with bugs and came back inside. I hope that my blood pressure isn’t back to sky high because I stopped taking my blood pressure pill. I hated taking it. And my blood pressure has been perfect since I am no longer working so thought I would experiment and see if it goes up. I don’t know what it is, I lent my brother in law my blood pressure machine and have not received it back.

I really hope that the migraines are related to the whole menstrual cycle business. I can’t be getting migraines anymore. It will mean having to stay in dark places and stuff. I hate that, not that I like living in the “light” so to speak but protecting your eyes all the time from bright light is a hassle. I would have to wear shades all the time.

I have not showered today and don’t plan to. I do plan on brushing my teeth the next time I go to the bathroom. I at least have to do one of those things, if not both. Sometimes I am too nauseous to brush my teeth so I won’t do it. It’s a struggle.

I have not really done anything today except watch the ballgame. Foot is quiet for the moment. I am sure it will act up soon as I try and go to sleep. I have been so out of it, I haven’t even played my game in a couple days now. There are a couple of new missions and I just want to complete the “old new” missions first but no one is requesting the stuff that I need. It is getting annoying. But I have some new “friends” that play the game and are active so that is good. I’ll probably play later tonight before bed. I usually do.

So far my suicidality is ok. I don’t think I will have a “split” tonight. I have my therapy appointment tomorrow and I hope that my mother’s doctor’s appointment is after 2 pm. I am trying to get my sister’s car but it looks like she is driving her husband’s truck and I hate driving it because I am not used to it. I couldn’t stand driving the older vehicle because it just gave me anxiety. Now that they have a newer vehicle, I don’t want to drive it for fear of crashing it somehow. I am not good with backing it up as my judgment and peripheral vision is impaired at times, and is worse with a big vehicle. I don’t know if I will ever be able to drive an F150 truck like I hope I will but then if I ever do, I hope to have won the lottery!

I really hope that I can resolve some stuff this week with her because I really think that I am heading for a hospitalization. I just can’t deal with shit anymore and if that is the reason why I have been having these “splits”, then maybe going in the hospital is the best course. It dreads me to say that going is a pain in the butt but once I get my meds straightened out on the first day, I think it will be alright. I am willing to go without a phone and laptop for a few days, though I don’t know if I can manage without my phone being at my side. But then I have to worry about my mother and her diabetes spells. I hope that it won’t happen while I am away. I usually don’t call my mother while I am in the hospital. I never do. I don’t know why that is.

400th blog post: A post about Edwin Shneidman, PhD

by Midnight Demon, posted in mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

This is my 400th blog. I want it to be meaningful so I thought I would write about Dr. Edwin Shneidman. He was a wonderful man that I really admire. He was the father of suicidology and really pioneered the field.

His famous quotes, one of many, was that you should not kill yourself while you are suicidal. I think he meant it to be as a sort of giving yourself time before acting on such a dangerous act. I know that in my time I have been putting it off. It keeps me here.

My favorite book that he wrote was called “the suicidal mind”. I swear this guy was in my head as I was reading it. It perfectly described everything that I was feeling. The psychache, the despair, the guilty worthless feelings, all of it. He was the one that termed the word psychache, which is feelings of psychological pain that can best be described as feelings of despair, frustration, guilt, worthlessness, hopelessness, and helplessness.

His other connotations are constriction and perturbation. These two words are the most dangerous in a suicidal mind. The constriction means there is a narrowing of the mind, a kind of tunnel vision that is set on one thing: easing the psychache at any and all costs, by killing oneself. Perturbation is the agitation, frustration, the “must do something now” type feeling that provides that person to think about suicide and it is difficult to calm or settle these feelings once constriction is in full gear.

Another word Dr. Shneidman often uses to describe suicidality is press. This word is sort of a disambiguation. He uses it to describe a lot of things but mostly the pressure one feels to act on suicidal feelings and thoughts. It can also be used as a sort of perturbation. In Dr. Shneidman’s eyes, the level of the perturbation, press, and psychache will ultimately lead to suicide. If you were to rate each on a 1-5 scale model and have a 5-5-5, the likelihood of completing a suicidal act is greatly increased. In fact, he has stated that prolonged feelings of these three things are a major cause of suicide. No one can endure psychache, press, and perturbation for any length of time. You can have fluctuation of the these three things but once they have been at a sustainable level for any length of time, suicide is likely to follow.

Dr. Shneidman was a man that I greatly admire and respect. And what is very special to me and what I will always remember is him calling me out of the blue one day to discuss my paper that I sent him on “ten faces”. It was a paper that I wrote up for the AAS 41st annual conference and was my first poster session for this organization. I will always be grateful for that phone call.

morning after

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

I realized this morning after I got a FB message from my South African friend that the midnight demons were in full gear last night. I don’t but do remember sending out basically goodbye messages to friends and writing a blog that was basically a goodbye blog. I don’t know why I got into my split personality but even though I am not feeling that way right now, I still am feeling blue.

I am babysitting my niece today. It has been a long day as I woke up early and still have another 3 hrs before my sister comes home from work. I don’t know what to do with this kid as it is raining outside. I so wanted to go to Starbucks today but that isn’t happening due to the weather. I haven’t been out of the house most of the week. I am going on three days being indoors. I just haven’t felt like getting dressed and stuff to make the excursion to the land of coffee. I have been drinking coffee with my sister’s Keurig but it’s not the same. If I see another bag of my Kati Kati, I am grabbing it!

I deleted my previous post. I felt I had to because it was too depressing and gloomy. I still don’t know why I become that suicidal and depressed. I know part of it has to do with my menses. I wasn’t this way when the menses were stopped. Even my psychiatrist notices a change in my behavior and manner when I bleed. So it is something obvious that I am not seeing. I just know that I get really emotional and cry at the slightest thing, get irate at the little inconvenience, and just downright suicidal. It’s like I am being possessed by a demon and it hurts very bad inside. My chest feels like there is an indescribable weight on it and I just am in a lot of psychological pain that is worse than any physical pain that I have ever experienced before.