Tag: suicide ideation

Tea time

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders, suicide, transgender

Tea

I know most of you who read my blog think I am mostly a coffee drinker but there are times, like when I am sick, that I drink tea. If it is too late, like it is now, to have a cup of coffee, I will usually make a cup of tea to give me the caffeine I need to keep going. I like black teas, though I bought oolong tea and find I didn’t like it as much as I thought I would. I think it is an acquired taste. I do like herbal teas, lemon, orange spice and chamomile. I usually buy only one brand of tea and that is Bigelow. I find their English breakfast really good. I know it is expensive for 20 bags of tea but I like what I like. I also know that 2 bags of Lipton tea will give me the strength I need that one bag of Bigelow does. I guess I just prefer the taste better. I don’t like fruit teas other than lemon and orange spice, though I have not tried them all. I know I don’t like apple tea. I prefer to eat an apple than drink it, though I do like cider, but I have not had it hot. Starbucks makes a hot cider during the winter months but I never tried it. Maybe I will this season, if I am around.

I still have my bloody menses (no pun intended). It is really showing no signs of stopping, even with the new patch. UGH I don’t know what to do. I hope my doc isn’t on vacation when I call tomorrow. I am not bleeding too heavy but it is just aggravating me at this point and I don’t need the aggravation. I especially hate it when I soil my pants, which is happening almost every fricken day now. And because of the pain in my ankle, I can’t shower every day so that poses a very difficult problem for me hygiene wise. I need to shower and have to force myself to and then pay the consequence of standing for ten minutes. I hate myself so bad. I really get mad at myself and start thinking that if only I had done things differently, I never would have gotten CES. But then if things didn’t play out the way they did, I wouldn’t have made so many online friends and have good relationships with people all over the world.

I really can’t wait for my therapist to be back on Tuesday. There is so much to catch up on. But then she will be on vacation again the week after so I am not happy about that. I wish she would have just taken the two weeks off in a row like normal people rather than take a week here and then a week there. But then she is a looney tune.

I was up most of the night. I didn’t fall asleep till at least 5 or six in the morning. I was reading after a phone call with a friend and time got away from me. I am still reading Team of Rivals and it just got interesting as the Civil War started. I really like this book but can’t believe it took 12 chapters to get to the war. I still have 12 chapters to go as I read almost three chapters last night. I think after I read this book, I am going to go back to the Harry Potter books. I have been meaning to re-read them.

I have to get started on my cauda equina paper. I am getting more and more search term hits on my blog. Though my blog Knackered has many hits, it doesn’t necessarily give the information that people are looking for. I did make my post CES a page, which I hope has been helpful to someone.

Angry Rant

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

I had to remove one of my posts the today because it became a hit for spam messages. I got at least 12 or more a day and I don’t know why. The messages were mostly the same but with long ass names like spelling the same name over and over but dropping a letter in the middle. It was really weird. I thought by changing the name (blog post 389) to something more meaningful it would stop but it didn’t. I am so aggravated by this, and frustrated.

I am up because I was talking to a friend and then I heard some noises so now I can’t sleep. I am fearful my mother is going to have another one of her “attacks” so I might as well stay up just in case. I am listening to my favorite country tracks as I am trying to stay up. I really want to take another dose of pain meds but I don’t want to pass out. My ankle is throbbing something fierce.

My friend asked me a question tonight that got me upset and I got off the phone. She asked me what I have been doing during the day and I could tell by the tone in her voice she really didn’t give a shit. I was done talking. I wasn’t going to explain to yet another person how pathetic my life has become by just going to Starbucks, drinking coffee, and blogging. She never read any of my blogs. She is on the computer most of the time and yet doesn’t read my blogs. That is fine but I thought we had a closer connection. It’s ok though. I don’t know why I am so angry but I am. I am so sick of having to justify every hour of my existence to someone and she just touched the wrong nerve tonight. She was surprised I didn’t want to answer the question and so be it. I wasn’t going to answer it. My prerogative. I had to listen, again, to how she is never having another therapist when her therapist retires, that she is not going back to therapy. UGH I know. You already told me fifty million times you are not getting a therapist. I get it. I wish mine would retire and I could start over. But that is not going to happen because no one wants to deal with a suicidal freak like me. I am so tired of everything and the fact of the matter is that I am thinking of taking my life again. I really want to end it this time. I don’t think I can stand another breakthrough bleeding episode or anything of the sort. I am tired all the time of doing nothing. Yet if I try to do something my foot explodes and I am done. I can’t help my mother with the chores of the house anymore because I am so disabled. I hate being this way. So I just want to fucking die. I will do something to take my life in the next two weeks. There is no significance to the date that I am choosing, though I think it will be the week after. I have to do this. I just do.

Relationships and Suicide

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

Relationships and suicide

While I made a promise to myself I would never kill myself over someone, some people feel like they should take their life because a relationship ended. They feel so badly that they want to take their life. They may feel this way for multiple reasons. They feel they are not good enough, or that the girl/boy friend or wife/husband would be better off without them. It all is a matter of feeling connected and once that connection is broken, the hurt can be too much for a person to take. There is also a sense of belongingness that a person feels that contributes to their self worth and whether they belong. If they don’t feel this type of connection, they feel their life is over. They feel they have nothing to live for because their relationship is over. It can happen to anyone at any time in the relationship or when it ends. The important thing to remember is that these are just feelings and they will pass with time. You are not always going to feel the same level of hurt that you feel right now. Most importantly, you are not to blame for the relationship ending, though you may feel that way or even been told that by your significant other.

Another reason people feel suicidal after a relationship ends is because they feel that they can never have what they lost. This is especially true when the person they love dies suddenly or is taken away due to cancer or other illness. This is especially hard to deal with because it hurts just as much if not more than a mutual break up. People feel more alone after a death of someone and thoughts of suicide can run rampant to an already depressed person or to someone who has never experienced the type of loss that death brings. Trying to move on from this hurt is very difficult. I have a friend going through this type of loss right now. He lost his soul mate over a year ago and still feel the pain every day. It causes him much grief but because he has a busy work schedule, he buries himself in his work duties. I fear that should something else happens in his life, he would be inconsolable and be very suicidal.

There is no comforting word I can say that eases his pain or your pain, if you are reading this. Time is the only thing that helps and also moving on. Letting go of the hurt and pain as much as you can stand at a time. It doesn’t mean that you are forgetting this person. It doesn’t mean that you love and care for that person any less. It just means that you are ready to move on with your life and let some hope in to heal the heartache.

Another night of the Midnight Demon

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

I can’t sleep. I have slept most of the day. I was woken up almost 24 hrs ago to my mother being on the floor. She fell after what I think was a hypoglycemic attack. She was all sweaty and disoriented and her speech was a little slurred despite her sugar being in the low 70’s. It took me a while to get back to sleep, despite being drugged. I had to check my Facebook for my game rewards and found out the Sox won in dramatic fashion. I then read for a little bit before finally succumbing to sleep around 5 in the morning.

I still have my fucking menses and what is worse is that every morning this week I have woken up to my pants being soiled. I am not very happy. This mense shows no sign of stopping any time soon, though the flow is lessening somewhat. I am getting to be very depressed and thoughts of not waking up in the morning are getting more and more prominent.

I finally got back to reading “Team of Rivals” and the Civil War has just commenced. I am finding out more about the battle and how difficult it was giving up loyalties and such. I can’t imagine what commissioned officers went through to decide to be for the Union or for the Confederacy. And it is a miracle that the White house wasn’t occupied at any time to be burned to the ground as it was in the middle of all the fighting!! I am also surprised that no one thought to move the capital to a safer place, like New York rather than stay in Washington. But what is done, is done. I think it is funny that the first lady, Mary Todd had a competitor for the best dressed house in Kate Chase, one of the cabinet members Daughters. Both decided to have elaborate dinners and such for appearances purposes. But then, that is what they did for fun in those days. I also find it interesting that Lincoln’s boys were disruptive during cabinet meetings and such. I bet that does not go on today. I can’t imagine Obama’s daughters charging in during a meeting to play.

Since I have been sleeping most of the day, I have not had any coffee. I didn’t go out yesterday because I didn’t feel like it and today I didn’t because I didn’t wake up will almost 1500. I couldn’t have coffee at that hour because I know I would still be up at this hour but with more energy than I have right now.

My writing partner has reviewed my relationship paper and given me some pointers on it. I have not had the chance to write it. I kind of not been in the mind to finish it. She said it was a good paper. I just got to do it. I am glad there is no deadline for working on this paper. Otherwise I would be screwed. I hopefully will be able to work on it tomorrow if I am able to get back to my routine. I guess with my therapist on vacation, I have really not stuck to my schedule of waking up and getting dressed to get coffee.

I bought pizza today because I felt like it, and fries. I am a fries addict. I love fries, except sweet potato ones. Actually any type of fried white potato I like. Then my mother made chicken cutlets and I was like damn, I wasted my money. Oh well, I will have pizza for lunch tomorrow. Nothing tastes good as cold pizza and cold chicken.

I miss having my routine where I go to Starbucks. But I got to figure out why I have been getting anxiety attacks on the bus. It’s been happening more and I don’t know if it is anxiety or paranoia, or both. I just know I start feeling weird, especially when the doors start to get blocked by people standing in the isle. I can’t stand it. Then I start getting nervous and panic. There is no reason why I should panic, other than I fear for their safety. But other than that, I don’t know why I get so nervous.

I have been thinking about my date. It’s coming up in 15 days. I can’t help but think about it. BOTH my pdoc and therapist are on vacation that weekend. It would be a perfect time to act. And I just thought about another way of killing myself so it would be cool to try it out. If it fails I could always go back to what I really want to try. I just don’t see the point in living when I have all these issues that make me want to die. I know there are people fighting for their life with cancer while I am somewhat healthy and all but I would gladly exchange my life for theirs if it meant I would die and they would live. I hate being in a female body. I hate being in chronic pain all the time. I hate being in pain for no good reason other than just for “fun” with my nerves being out of whack. I really wish I was dead. I hope that wish comes through one day.