Tag: suicide ideation

suspects and pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain

The manhunt for the bombers of the Boston Marathon is over. I should be sleeping but I can’t stay off my twitter feed for updates on the suspect’s condition. He has been bleeding since very early yesterday morning when his brother got killed in the first shootout with the police. I have never had this happen to my city. I am not sure if what I am feeling is normal or I am going crazy. I have been crying, angry, irritable, and at times just sad. Four people have lost their lives because of these assholes. 176 people were injured so severely they lost their legs. Some are still in the hospital in critical condition.

I am afraid to go to sleep. I am afraid I will have dreams about the bombing and what I saw today on the news. Hearing the gunshots in the second shoot out is still running through my head though I was not there. I just heard it on the news, over and over. It was “exclusive news coverage” because channel 7 had it and no other station did. I understand that 4,5,6,and 7 were covering the story from 22:30 last night until 21:30 tonight. They were really doing a good job of repeating themselves over and over because they had nothing new to report and they had to stay on top of the scene in case something did develop. I seen the mess they made on Cambridge street in Cambridge where the suspects lived and investigators found more bombs. I know I can rest easy because they are caught and I don’t have to worry about more bombs going off but I can’t seem to calm down enough to relax enough to sleep. I just am so hyped up. I am listening to my favorite country artist Mary Chapin Carpenter. She has such a soothing voice. But not even her voice tonight is helping me sleep.

I know the other reason I cannot sleep is because my left foot is acting up again. It is in the throws of a heated state. It feels like it is on fire and I can’t get it to calm down. I have tried everything I know and still it does not work. And it is wicked painful so I can’t stand on it.

It is hot in my room. 75 degrees. I have the ceiling fan going to cool down the room and see if that help my on fire foot. I hate it when my foot keeps me up. I start thinking of ending my life again. I figure why bother if every night I am going to be in pain. But the sad part is that my days are always better than my nights. During the day, I am hardly in any pain. Unless I stand too long or walk too much. Anything that will activate the tendonitis in my ankle will cause me pain. It sometimes can be the irritation caused by my sneakers. Pathetic I know.

How will I kill myself…many thoughts have run through my head about this. I sometimes think about it and then I am ok and won’t actually think to go through with it. The latest is throwing myself over my hall bannister with a rope around my neck but I am wicked afraid that the bannister won’t hold my weight and I will go crashing to the floor. That will not be good. The other idea I have to throw myself off the back of my porch but I am afraid that my nieces will find me and that is too scary for them. I have thought about pills but I would need a hotel room and I just can’t afford one right now.

melancholy

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide

Today I didn’t do too much but I did a lot. As I was walking home my ankle decided it had enough and I was limping on the way home. The last block and a half was really long!

I still am in a melancholy of spirits. I just can’t believe my city was under attack and then a Federal courthouse today had to be evacuated because of a bomb threat. And the President of the US is coming to tomorrow. I think that is a BIG mistake as we still have not capture the individual(s) responsible for the Marathon explosions. That is what they are calling it, explosions, not bombs. I guess explosions are less scary to think about but not really. It still is terrifying.

Ankle is still killing me and I am going to bed early, not going to watch the Sox game tonight. I don’t think it is on NESN anyways because the Bruins are playing. I don’t think I have NESN+. Shame too because last I heard, the Sox were winning 3-0. But then they don’t have a good match-up. The Indians stink. There were hardly any fans in the stadium last night. Pretty sad. I hope Fenway never gets that way.

I printed off my story that I am writing about my past suicide attempts and also my write up for my next blog post in the AAS. I am confident it will be a good paper. I just need to go over it somewhat to make sure I have the facts straight. It gives me something to do tomorrow that hopefully doesn’t have me going out. I am pretty tired today from my excursions yesterday and today. I only went out because my stupid printer wouldn’t recognize the color cartridge as being full. I have not used my printer for a couple of months now. Even though I just wanted to print black, it would not let me override the stupid color sensor thingy. I was so frustrated. I think paying for printing my stuff at UPS is cheaper than buying ink for this ridiculous printer that uses ink while not in use! Either that, or the ink got dried up because of the heat in the room. It is a small office I have and my mother keeps the door closed most of the time. I have to bring the printer to my room but I am too lazy. Maybe tomorrow I will do that, if my ankle isn’t hurting like it is now.

So I have printed off my writing to edit it. I have my red pen ready. But one thing I know while I edit my paper, I always want to add to it or take something away. I hate editing. I’m good with other people’s paper’s but not my own!

I woke up this morning and wondered what it would be like not to be anymore. I haven’t woken up like that in a long time. I guess the melancholy I am feeling is having suicidal effect on me, not to say that I wasn’t suicidal before. I just had a decrease in thoughts the past couple of weeks and thought I was getting better. Now I think I am heading back towards being a suicidal maniac who thinks of suicide all the time. I don’t know why I do other than I don’t want to feel pain, physical or mental anymore. I am tired of always being in a state of despair, of feeling nothing is going right for me. I just calculated my financial picture for the month and found that if I pay everything, I will have 7 dollars (USD) to my name to last me until my next check. I hate feeling like I am in destitution again. I really do. It’s like why bother getting paid when I don’t see my money. It just goes out the window to pay my bills and to help my mother keep up with the household bills, like gas and electricity, not to mention the mortgage. I just hate not being able to work. It is so frustrating. And yet, if I was working, I’d lose my LTD and have to work out something to pay back the $10K that I supposedly owe them. All these bills that I have make me want to kill myself. I can’t stand the thought of owing people money. I still owe like $5k to my therapist, who without her services I would definitely be dead by now. I seriously doubt that anyone can keep me alive that much longer. I just want to die. Why is that so hard to understand? I am a nobody. No one will miss me. They will just miss my money…

suicide ramblings

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, mood disorders, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt

Today was not a good day. I got hit with pain early this morning and I couldn’t go anywhere. While I was watching the baseball games I started knuckling my calf muscle to take the knots out of it. It helped the pain along with pain meds. I tried stretching my calf but it still would not get loose. But the pain is gone now so I am glad it is. Now I just got to remember what I did so that the next time pain hits that part of my leg I know what to do.

I wrote a paper today, again on the Aeschi model. You will hear me talk about this because it is essential to get the word out for people who are suicidal. I believe in this model because it is so straight forward and humane. I also talk about CAMS but even though I know more about the assessment of CAMs than I do about the actual CAMS model. CAMS is Collaborating And Managing Suicidality.

Yesterday was a big day for me. The blog that I write for, What Happens Now, http://attemptsurvivors.com/ , was put into print for the Associate Press on suicide attempt survivors. It made the news and the sad part is that I cannot share it with my family. I am somewhat saddened by this. I can share this with my friends and the internet world but I can’t share it with those I live with. It is sad. But I chose to not share it because I am afraid it will lead to questions about my own suicidality and I cannot bare the thought of sharing this information with my family. It’s bad enough when my Suicide and Life Threatening Behavior journal comes in, I get the glances of disgust. Suicide is not a topic of interest in my house like it is an interest of mine, if only because I think about it nearly every day.

Suicide has been an interest of mine since I was young. Now at nearly thirty years later and I don’t know how many attempts, I still think it is the only way out of my suffering. I have made a date this year that if things aren’t improved, I will go through with it. I can’t help but think that being dead is the answer to my problems. I know that people say that suicide is the permanent solution to temporary problem, but my leg pain and depression are not temporary. I have to live with this the rest of my life and if I choose not to, isn’t it my choice? Don’t I have the right to die if I so choose? I am not saying that I will commit suicide tomorrow but it is in the distant future that I will die. I am not promised tomorrow, no one is. I just think that I don’t have a purpose with my life. And a lifetime of being in chronic physical pain is not appealing to me. I just can’t go on knowing that every day I will be in some kind of pain that has no end. Or the fact that I have to be on pain medication for the rest of my life. I just can’t fathom that. I worry that one day I will be denied the medication because I have been on them for so long. I just can’t risk that happening. I am scared of that happening. I’m also afraid of people not believing that I am depressed because I joke around so much. I’m sorry that I have a sense of humor. It has helped me with my depression more than anything. If I didn’t have it, I told my psychiatrist, she had permission to commit me somewhere. My heart is so dark at times I can’t stand it. I feel like it should stop beating because I feel so dead inside. And this goes on day after day. There is no relief. I never feel alive and joyful. Just sad and despairing.

more about nerve pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain

Watched the baseball game. It went to the 10th inning and my boys came through. They beat the Rays 2-1. It was the first extra innings game this season they won so I am hopeful for the season. The Sox improve to 6-4 and still are leading in the AL East.

Was happy to get an email about the blog I write for the American Association of Suicidology has made the news http://hosted.ap.org/dynamic/stories/U/US_SUICIDE_SURVIVORS?SITE=AP&SECTION=HOME&TEMPLATE=DEFAULT&CTIME=2013-04-13-12-09-11.
It was good to see something come off of the hard work of the AAS president, Michelle Linn Gust to get the blog underway and now we have a voice.

It is not even six o’clock yet and I am exhausted. All I did today was run to the pharmacy to get my prescriptions and go up and down the stairs a few times to help my mother with some groceries. I have been up since seven. Seems I cannot sleep later than that. And I even stayed up late too. I didn’t go to bed until around midnight, after watching Lincoln and reading for a bit afterwards. I kept on going on twitter and facebook to wait for my meds to kick in.

Last night my foot acted weird because of the CRPS, complex regional pain syndrome. It got really cold, like ice and really painful. I put on some socks that were heavy and still my foot was cold even under my blankets. My bones were hurting really bad and if I had a chain saw, I probably would have used it to amputate. That is how bad the pain got. Then after it warmed up, it really warmed up. It got really hot and felt like it was on fire. I had to take the sock off and leave my foot hanging off the bed away from the sheets and blankets because it just was burning me. Nerve pain acts this way. The doctors don’t really understand why this happens. I am seeing a specialist on Tuesday to talk about this. I really hope she can give me some answers. All I can take is pain medication to soothe it or use a gel to try and calm it down some but touching it hurts like hell, which makes it difficult to use the gel sometimes. I find that oral meds work well for this type of pain, but the problem is that most doctors don’t want to prescribe it. I have not run into problems but I know I will soon enough. I’ll get the opioid speech how it is not good to be on these meds long term. But I have been on these meds for almost a decade now and aside from constipation which I control with some senna, I have no other side effects. It might make me drowsy but it’s not like I am operating machinery or driving like I used to. Now I just take these meds when the pain flairs up, which will be again tonight. Every night I am in this horrible pain but it’s never the same. Some times it is bone crushing, other times it is a burning sensation like my foot is on fire. Other times it feels like a barbed wire is surrounding my foot ready to be garroted. I can’t say what will be in store for me tonight after going up an down the stairs four times in a row this evening. I am not looking forward to it and there is no sense in taking the meds early. The pain hit unexpectedly, when I least expect it to so I can’t judge a good time. That is the most frustrating this about this condition. I have a HIGH pain tolerance and it usually isn’t until a pain is an 8-9 that I will feel it. Right now it is simmering on a 4-5 on a scale of 1-10. I have heavy thermal socks on to prevent it from getting cold because it is still winter in New England. My house is cold because my mother doesn’t want to pay a large gas bill, which we shouldn’t have to turn the heat on in the middle of April anyways!! So I try and protect my foot from getting cold anyway I can. But sometimes even having socks on will not prevent my foot temperature from dropping. My left will be cold as ice and my right a balmy 98.6. I hate this condition and wish I never got it but I got to learn to live with it and that is the hardest part.