Tag: suicide

week 2 of hell has commenced

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Week 2 of hell has commenced

I have to say it has been an interesting week. I have had my menses and I didn’t go crazy like I usually do. I still have the fucker though and now it is getting annoying. I have cramps from hell that are not responding to any anti-inflammatories so today because my joints have been acting up, I took some ketoprofen. It is a higher end form of ibuprofen (Advil) and I find that it works well for my arthritis. I am hoping it works for these menstrual cramps that I have. I have enough pain in my life. I do not need abdominal cramps to add to it.

Because I woke up at the nice morning hour of four in the morning, I slept till about noon. I woke up from a bad dream that doesn’t make any sense. It was about a car that was running and my friend was holding onto something to prevent it from leaking oil. She was holding pressure on the leak like you would a vein laceration. I then put oil in the car to replace what it has lost and a few minute later the damn hood explodes. Don’t know what the hell that means.

I wish I felt refreshed when I woke up but I didn’t. I didn’t feel like getting out of bed or taking a shower and getting to my Starbucks. But I did. Now that I have my coffee I am wondering what to eat. I am thinking of getting a pastry but I don’t know. I need something with more substance. Maybe a breakfast sandwich or something. I could have their turkey sandwich which has Dijon mustard on it. But I am not feeling that hungry. I am trying to save my appetite for the PF Chang General Chang for tonight. I haven’t had it in so long.

I am glad the kids that were running around Starbucks have left. They were starting to get annoying. They were cute and everything but I was just afraid they would get hurt if they fell or something.

I’m still feeling depressed. I think I just have a depressive personality. I don’t know what it is like to feel pleasure or be happy for more than a few moments. I have some things that give me joy like Starbucks but soon as the coffee is done I am sad again. I just can’t sustain joyful experiences or feel content. I know right now it is because I am hurting with cramps and my foot is bothering me. It never stops. But even if I didn’t feel pain, I still would be miserable. It is not a choice like many believe. I just am unhappy with my life. I feel stuck and it is difficult to feel unstuck. So I have this routine where I go to Starbucks and I write, either on my laptop or in my journal. I read, if my concentration allows it. And I rest because that is what is needed after an excursion into town. I really would love to take a trip to George’s Island this summer but other than exploring the fort which I have done a few times, there really isn’t much on the island. I don’t know if the fort is still explorable. There were parts of the Fort, built at the time of the Civil War (US) that were blocked off because they were deemed dangerous as it was falling apart. But it’s nice and quiet there. I have never been to Thompson’s Island in Boston Harbor. There is more activity to do there. Maybe one day I will go there if I can get my funds together.

I decided to get a bacon Artisan breakfast sandwich. It was good but I forgot I don’t care for the cheese much. I think it’s Gouda. I’m not a fan. The treat receipts are back at Starbucks. If you buy a drink before 2 pm you get your drink after 2 PM for $2 (USD). I might get a refresher drink before leaving. Depends on how thirsty I get.

I just added some stuff to my book. I felt that I should work on it for a little bit as it has been weeks since I last did so. I swear I am in love with the Kati Kati coffee that I have been drinking the past few weeks. It is so good. But as with other coffees, it perks me up for a little bit and then I crash. I hate the crash feeling. I usually end up taking a nap.

New blog today from the AAS as it is every Monday. I have yet to be asked to write for it again. I still have a paper that I am dying to have post. It’s about suicide attempt survivor reaction. I think it will be fitting for a suicide attempt blog. But I know that there is one person ahead of me for writing. Anyways, this week’s post really resonated with me. I have had a long hospital stay once and I don’t remember it going so well. The only reason they kept me so long was because they knew that if they let me out, I would try again, which I would have. I spent hours talking to staff but it did nothing to change how I felt. I was put on another antidepressant that did help my mood some but caused me to gain a lot of weight. Course my diet of eating cheeseburgers and fries for lunch didn’t help. It was one of the lowest points in my life. I know my mood has not been as low as it was back then but it has been close. I have not had a long hospital stay since, and by long I mean two months. But that was when things were different for psych hospital admissions. Now if I had attempted, I doubt I would stay longer than two weeks. Soon as I started to be “less” suicidal, I would be discharged. I would just have more therapy sessions. I think that if I didn’t have so many sessions with my therapist, I probably would be hospitalized more. Meeting just once a week just isn’t enough for me. Even though my therapist drives me crazy, if I didn’t have her support of meeting a few times a week, I know I would be in the hospital or worse, I would attempt to do something. But then I meet by phone, which is easier than meeting in person. She is on vacation this week and I already sort of miss her, and it is only Monday. I hope that with her being gone, I will be ok, especially as my menses are causing havoc with my mood right now. I really have been having some dark thoughts today. I keep hoping that I won’t wake up one day, that my autonomic system will realize that I am dead inside and just stop functioning and let me die by stopping my heart and lungs so I won’t have to.

early morning post

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt

It’s almost five o’clock in the morning. I woke up to go to the bathroom and when I returned to my room, my foot didn’t like it. I am in so much pain right now it’s not funny. I don’t know why this happens. I was in pain before bed but nothing like this. It really kills me.

I took the day off yesterday. All I did was sleep. I was watching the baseball game but couldn’t stay awake for it so took a nap. I guess my activities on Saturday really wore me out. I am finding that if I do a lot for one day, the next day I need to recover from. It is typical of those suffering from CES, Cauda Equina Syndrome.

I got tweeted a post about a study on coffee and suicide. Turns out that if you drink more than 2 cups a day, you are at a 50% reduction rate for suicide. Now if only I can bring myself to have two cups of coffee a day, maybe the suicidal thoughts will decrease. The article can be found here.

I just realized that with my therapist on vacation, I have the ENTIRE week to myself. I have NO appointments. I don’t know if that means I will have a long week or not. But it frees me up to go for coffee earlier in the afternoon. Maybe I can work on my lyric book. This book is about songs that have meaning to me. I write down the lyrics and then write a few pages about what the song means to me. So far, all I have done is write down the lyrics. I haven’t done any interpretation of the song. I figure I will do that later. As far as my book is coming along, well it’s not. I haven’t written anything in it in weeks, with the exception of adding a blog story to it. I figure if I write a blog that has some meaning or tells my story, I would tack it on.

I had a weird experience last night. My niece was cuddling with me while we were watching a movie. I know she wasn’t going to molest me, but she kept on using my breast as a pillow and I got uncomfortable. I then almost panicked that she was going to start touching me. But she is eight years old so that is very unlikely. I have a history of sexual abuse from a cousin and it would start out that way. I just go very uncomfortable but tried to work it out. I guess I don’t like cuddling very much because of that incident. It was really difficult and I had to keep reminding myself that she was only eight and was not going to hurt me. I hate when I get sensory flashbacks. They are not fun!

Rambling 45

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

I have been trying to collect my thoughts to write this blog while listening to my “mood” playlist and keep getting distracted by the songs.

Last night I wrote my therapist a letter. I think I will write one for each day that she is gone. It is some thing that we do. I can’t explain it but sometimes something good comes from it. I have some deep thoughts or something that I want to talk about. Sometimes it is just a bitch letter because I don’t have someone to talk to about something that is going on. I have notice in my old journals, I would write with the beginning of a letter. Each entry started with her name Dear A. and the later journal entries start with Dear Bozo. I started calling her Bozo to piss her off and maybe she would dump me. Six years later, she still has me so it didn’t work. I still call her Bozo. Her middle name starts with a B anyway so rather than call her that name, I call her Bozo. I am such a prankster. I once got a sticky and placed Bozo on her sign in her office where A should have been. She had no clue for three days!! That was and still is hysterical.

I found a clinical paper last night going through my files so I posted it as a blog. It’s about schizoaffective disorder and I think I wrote it for one of my psych classes.

I had the BEST homemade iced coffee today. I am so JACKED right now on it. I am really feeling hyper from it. My brain neurons are firing left and right. I like it when I feel this way. I am able to get a lot of writing done. I am sure that I will probably crash in an hour but this is kind of fun. I already did my shopping. Now I am just waiting for the mail to come to see if my doc sent out the prescription for my pain meds. I have only a few to get me through the next few days.

I have been up since 0800. I woke up and I couldn’t go back to sleep. I don’t know why. But it gave me enough energy this morning to go food shopping. Tonight I will have PF chang’s general Chang. I love their food. I wish I could have gotten some of their appetizers but I had only so much money. I still have some money left over for my meds that I will need in the middle of the month. I know I am going to be hurting tonight because I had to go up and down the stairs to bring up my groceries. It was only a few bags and a couple gallons of water but still. The trips are going to cause havoc on me later.

I am so happy I made my coffee. I also got my donuts like I wanted. I was so craving a jelly donut. I got a ½ dozen rather than a dozen like I was thinking. I was disappointed they didn’t have powdered donuts.

I know the coffee is making me feel hyper and feel good. I don’t trust it. I know the demons will be back tonight when the sun goes down. And I will be in pain. I wish I could feel like this forever. Then I wouldn’t be thinking of killing myself every night.

Schizoaffective Disorder: a clinical paper

by Midnight Demon, posted in mental disorders, mood disorders

Schizo-affective disorder is a mixture of two kinds of major mental illnesses, mood disorders and schizophrenia. The patient meets criteria for either major depression or bipolar disorder and criteria for schizophrenia. The illness usually begins in early adulthood and is treated with both pharmacotherapy and psychotherapy. The diagnostic criteria for schizo affective disorder is an uninterrupted period of illness during which, at the same time, there is either 1) major depressive episode, 2) a manic episode, or 3) a mixed episode concurrent with symptoms that meet criteria for schizophrenia. The type is usually specified as either bipolar type, if it includes mania or a mixed state or depressive type if the disturbance only includes major depressive episodes.
Criteria for Major depressive episode is as follows:
Five or more of the following has been present for at least 2 weeks and represent a change in functioning; at least one of the symptoms is either depressed mood or loss of interest or pleasure. Depressed mood is present most of the day, nearly every day, marked diminished interest or pleasure in all or almost all activities during the day, significant weight loss or gain, insomnia or hypersomnia, psychomotor agitation or retardation nearly every day, fatigue or loss of energy, feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt nearly every day, diminished ability to think or concentrate, and recurrent thoughts of death, suicidal ideation without a specific plan, or a suicide attempt or a specific plan for committing suicide. The symptoms do not meet criteria for mixed episode or cause significant distress or impairment in social, occupational or other important area of functioning. The symptoms are not due to drugs or a general medical condition or caused by bereavement, i.e., after the loss of a loved one, the symptoms persist longer than 2 months.
The criteria for Manic episode is a distinct period of abnormally and persistently elevated, expansive, or irritable mood, lasting at least 1 week. During the period of mood disturbance, there are three of the following symptoms: inflated self-esteem, decreased need for sleep, more talkative than usual, insomnia or hypersomnia nearly every day, psychomotor agitation or retardation nearly every day, flight of ideas or racing thoughts, distractibility, increase in goal-directed activity, and excessive involment in pleasurable activities that have a potential for painful consequences (e.g. unrestrained buying sprees, sexual indiscretions, foolish investments.) The symptoms do not meet the criteria for mixed episode and are not caused by drugs or a general medical condition.
Criteria for mixed episode are met both for a manic episode and major depressive episode for nearly every day for one week. The disturbance is sufficiently severe to cause marked impairment in occupational functioning or in usual social activities or to necessitate hospitalization to prevent harm to self or others or there are psychotic features. The symptoms are not due to the direct effects of drugs or a general medical condition.
Criteria A for schizophrenia is the following symptoms that last for at least 1 week: delusions, hallucinations (auditory and visual), disorganized speech (incoherence), grossly disorganized behavior or catatonic behavior, and negative symptoms such as affective flattening, alogia, or avolition. Only one symptom is required if delusions are bizarre or hallucinations consist of a voice keeping up a running commentary on the person’s thoughts or behaviors, or two or more voices conversing with each other. During the same period, there have been delusions or hallucinations for at least 2 weeks in the absence of prominent mood symptoms and meet the criteria for a mood episode that are present for a substantial portion of the illness. The disturbance is not caused by drugs or a general medical condition. (from http://www.psychologynet.org/schizaff/html).

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