Tag: suicide

anxiety and buses don’t mix

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

I had therapy today. Seems there isn’t a day when I don’t have therapy. I asked my therapist if she thought I should be in the hospital but seeing as I haven’t had a split episode in the last few days, there might not be a need. I don’t know what else we talked about. Seem to cover the whole weekend and what my pdoc said about the splits. I hope that I don’t become Mr. Hyde again. Those bouts are really painful emotionally to go through. I still have the letter to Jobes. I am debating sending it to him but deleting the part where I tell him I am ending my life. Right now I am not feeling it. I hate when I feel it and then I don’t. These suicidal feeling really don’t last too long but I still am wondering if I am letting myself down by continuing to live. I had a pain flare up after I changed my bedding and after I took a shower today. I just feel like my life would be better off if I were dead. But I have my writing and people in my life that need me. Not to mention my readers on my blog.

I just passed the 10,000 mark for viewership. Ten thousand people read my blog. I feel so honored. When I woke up this morning I got the last 7 views to make 10k. Turns out there was someone in Turkey that read my blog and I thank that person.

I am still feeling down. I have a new project that I am working on. I am going to write another paper about CES, Cauda Equina Syndrome. I have the idea for it where it answers people’s questions about recovery and such. I wish my CES 101 paper got some hits when they view it and I am not sure why it doesn’t get a hit. But then I read it and found that it has no intro so I will work on that later today.

I had an anxiety attack today while on the bus. I took the 15:13 bus, which I have avoided to take because of a certain mentally disabled passenger that annoys me. Today was wicked muggy and I didn’t feel like waiting for the next bus at 15:42 so caught the earlier bus. I wish I didn’t. When we got to Magoun Square, a bus load of kids got on. I don’t know which one of us flipped out first, the mentally challenged guy or me. Well not really flipped, but panicked. Then a lady with a two year old in a stroller got on and blocked the entrance way. That is when I had to get off the bus. I was having such anxiety it wasn’t funny. I haven’t had anxiety like that in such a long time. I had to stand near the rear exit and prayed the bus driver didn’t miss my stop like he has in the past. I will never take that time bus again. I just can’t stand the anxiety this guy makes me feel. I have seen him flip out and with my PTSD, I just get really nervous. I have been in situations while inpatient where you can see guys like him flip out because you invade their personal space or just walk by him and accidently touch him. It was one of those situations. And today he looked like he was out of sorts already. It just makes me really uncomfortable. I still am shaking just writing about it.

hospitalizations

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, CES, chronic physical pain, depression

Feeling a little bit better today, not as gloomy. I still feel depressed however. I just can’t seem to get away from it. I wish the highs would return. I miss them.

I am the worst grilled cheese maker in the world. I tried, again to make one and burned one side while didn’t cook the other enough so it was soggy with butter. Or maybe I just put too much butter. I don’t know but I suck at making this meal. I even burned my gums because the cheese was hot. OUCH. I don’t think I will be making anymore grilled cheese any time soon. I’ll just have my mother make them! LOL

I am close to making a milestone with my blog. I got another 30 or so views to go before reaching 10K. If I do this before Thursday, I would be happy, least for a little bit. Thursday marks the one year anniversary for my blog. I am kind of excited that I will have 10K. I have been giving updates on my facebook page with the countdown and also with my Midnightdemons facebook page. I even got to reading my own blog because as I have said before, I don’t always remember what I write. Even when naming a blog I have to go through the search to see if I named a blog this already. I have over 300 blogs to far so it is hard to remember sometimes what I write.

Right now, I am working on another paper for Cauda Equina Syndrome (CES). I have noticed that a lot of people find my blog using search terms for CES. I think it would be a great idea if I had a fact sheet or something to tell beginners about this or those that have been newly diagnosed. It can be very terrifying to get this diagnosis and sometimes people just don’t get the care that they need or worse, don’t get diagnosed at all. I won’t go into specifics about the condition but if you are reading this and want to know more, go to http://www.caudaequina.org to learn more about this devastating condition. I have been living with this for twelve years and through my support group, have learned to live with it better.

Today I am supposed to go out with a friend to the movies. He is an eye doctor and works where as I am disabled and don’t work. The last few times he has paid for the movie tickets and I just got the popcorn (which can sometimes be as much as getting the tickets!) But this time I am short on funds. I have just enough just to get my Ativan prescription filled and then that is it for the next week and a half. I will be totally broke. I find it totally humiliating that I am again without cash funds for the third month in a row. I have tried budgeting this time and it didn’t work. When my check comes in, I have bills to pay and food to get. There usually isn’t a lot left over. I might have to cut my Starbucks fund but then I NEED my coffee and need to get out of the house so I can’t really cut my fix. The whole money thing is depressing me. I wish I was still collecting the long term disability but I owe them because I didn’t know you can’t collect SSD and LTD at the same time. So the money I was supposed to get, they are taking until my balance is cut off. Which will be in about twenty months from now, in which time, I probably will be off it. I don’t know what I am going to do then as there is no way I can afford to pay them with my SSD. I guess by then I can start working part time somewhere and have a little extra but I can’t do that now, especially when I am having splits and psychotic symptoms.

I have my meeting with my therapist tomorrow. I am kind of glad I do. I just am having a rough weekend. Thoughts of killing myself are still in the back of my mind and I so want to go through with it. I am just so tired of fighting with myself every day on trying to keep myself from going through with it, tired of putting on a “happy” face so my family doesn’t know I am depressed. Just so tired in general. I know I probably should be in the hospital but they will just kick me out in a few days if not two weeks. It’s really hard to stay past that length of time. The insurance just doesn’t want to pay. I get letters from my insurance (while in the hospital) that “Dr. so and so thinks you should be discharged but if you feel like this is wrong and need further care, talk to your attending doctor for an extension.” I’m like, really?? I am in the hospital and you send these to MY HOME. How am I supposed to refute what you are writing. Though my favorite is when these letters arrive AFTER discharge!! It is comical though not really. Not like I want to really stay in the hospital but I think some time there is beneficial. I don’t have to put up a façade every day like I do when I am home. I can sleep most of the day without it being too disruptive. But I would be lost if I didn’t have my games and my cell phone with me. I guess that is why I fear going in the hospital. I don’t want to lose access to my phone. I would hate not having music because I don’t have a separate MP3 player. It is my phone. I would be so lost without listening to music while in the hospital it wouldn’t be funny. And then trying to have a check in with my therapist would be impossible. I have had that happen to me one hospitalization where I couldn’t get a hold of my therapist and my therapist couldn’t get a hold of me because the floor phone was busy. I hated that. And the only reason they deny you using your phone is because it can take pictures. Like really? I am going to take picture of this place or a fellow inmate? For what? I am not the idiot that has to post 90 thousand pictures on Facebook or twitter or Instagram every single day. I use my phone for its use and for checking email. Sure I will be on twitter and Facebook but it will just be on MY status updates and not someone else’s. I won’t say that John smith is having a bad day and took a nutty and had to be restrained. That is not my place to. Though I did have one hospitalization that a patient actually kicked down the metal door of the unit. That was scary. He was a BIG dude. I was scared of him. He was kept mostly sedated for that reason after that. He was also psychotic. But now that I am thinking about it, so was I. He kept talking on his ipod thingy or maybe it was his phone, I don’t know. But only he was allowed to use it and the rest of us wasn’t. Totally not fair!!

So I guess that is why I am resistant to going in the hospital. I won’t have my cell phone to listen to music and make calls, check emails, and play my games. Seems right to me!

nothing as planned

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

Well today didn’t go like I planned. I guess I needed sleep because I slept till almost three in the afternoon. I still haven’t showered yet or changed my bedding but I plan to tomorrow, but think I will take a shower today.

Though I feel kind of like my batteries have been recharged, I am still kind of pissed I didn’t do what I wanted to do today. And I didn’t have my coffee. I can’t have caffeine after 3 pm because I will be up most of the night. It was good when I was working second shift, but not when I am NOT working. Though, maybe I should have seeing as the sox have a late game again tonight.

I had the pains last night and I think I slipped into my other half because after taking my meds and listening to the game, I don’t remember what I did. I know that I went to sleep for about two hours and woke up around 0230. That is the last thing I remember. I think I read some because I have a few things on twitter about suicide, and I was quoting Dr. Shneidman. I don’t know but at least I had a good sleep.

Splits

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

Splits

Lately I have been feeling like I have been losing what is left of my mind. I have been having some strange symptoms, like when the sun goes down, I turn into a villain. Every thing that is me changes to this wicked gloomy, suicidal, depressive self. Since I have been more aware of it, it has been happening less. I have been trying to get on a sleep schedule but my Sox team is on the west coast so have late games. And depending on how they do, I can get really excited and agitated very easily (as my tweets will prove). I just don’t understand why I get this way. I am not under real stress. My pdoc suggested it is because I am lonely? I find that unlikely as I don’t feel lonely. And the fact that it’s usually in the wee hours of the morning I am writing death letters and such more so than during the day time hours. Night time hours, I become a lunatic. To off set this, my pdoc wants me to take a standing dose of Ativan. I feel like she doesn’t grasp the situation at all. I did ask her if I should take some trilafon, a medication I am more familiar with, but she doesn’t want the side effects of that med with the other meds I am taking. So I will try it tonight and see if this offsets what I have been feeling the last few nights.

I didn’t change my bedding like I wanted to. I just got really tired when I came home and was really hungry as I hadn’t eaten anything all day. I will tomorrow as I really have nothing to do except go out for my coffee. I will change my bedding so it can be washed before I leave the house. I wish someone would put the sheets back on the bed for me. Taking them off I don’t mind. That is easy. But wrestling with the sheets to put them back on, wears me out to no end! I figure I will change the sheets in the morning when I get up, take a shower, wash the sheets and comforter, and then go out for coffee. I will then have my jave to juice me up and give me the energy I need to wrestle the bed. I used to love changing my sheets when I was a kid. It would take me a long time to do it because I would play with the mattress first. I would make a fortress and then jump all over the place pretending I was defending my home or something. It went on like this until I made an awful jump down on my bed and misjudged how much room I had with the windowsill. CRASH. I nearly gave myself a concussion. Gave myself a good bump on the head. No more playing after that.

I had a bladder accident today. I should know by now that a venti coffee fills my bladder up completely and that I should go to the bathroom afterwards. Because I am not aware that I am full, thanks to Cauda Equina Syndrome, I dribble some urine out due to overflow. The worse part is that I don’t even feel it or that my pants are wet. Very embarrassing. I came home to a nice mess. I texted my therapist, why should I live??

Well as this is my second blog of the day, I will stop here so that I can read some more of Lincoln’s Melancholy. Maybe he can give me some inspiration to continue the fight.