Tag: suicide

Article Review: Working with Suicidal Clients

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Article Review: Working with Suicidal Clients

I have to say that this article was not what I expected. It was an overview to the special issue the journal Cognitive and Behavioral Practice was having. The authors of the article described briefly what each article was about, which left me looking for more articles to add to my collection. But the take away message was that suicidal clients are to be treated as individuals and not as a “one size fits all” treatment modality.

Cognitive therapy has been moving up in the suicide chain as being helpful to suicide clients (Jobes, 2015 presentation AAS). DBT is also as it has helped a lot of clients with borderline personality disorder.

I found it interesting that there was a safety planning section. I googled it to try and learn more and there was a website for it. I downloaded the form as well as the training manual. It might come in useful in my therapy. I didn’t need the article to get to the form. It is similar to many other planning tools used by cognitive therapists. The thing I don’t like about it is that it is a sheet of paper that can get lost or misplaced. It also has the potential of not being used if the client is not near the paper when a crisis is at hand (e.g., at school versus at home). The author for the brief article has stated that therapists are slowly moving away from “no harm” contracts and moving toward safety planning. The reason being that “no harm” contracts have not been shown to be effective and may increase the likelihood of suicide. Also, simply making a promise not to kill yourself doesn’t really hold up well legally.

Ellis, T.E. and Goldston, David B. Working with Suicidal Clients: Not Business as Usual. Cognitive and Behavioral Practice (2012) 19: 205-208

in an awful mood

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

In an awful mood

My therapist got back to me. She hasn’t received anything from SSA so I will need to call them tomorrow and let them know and to see if they are using the correct address. She has moved several times over the years. I don’t think the internet has caught up to her current address.

My ankle pain got worse with me moving and checking mail. I got a letter from my private health insurance. I was expecting it and sure enough, my premium went up by more than $20. I can afford it but with my meds also going up on a tier, things are going to be tight for awhile. I still need to order more allegra and my senna. I get good prices on Amazon than I do in store. I was going to boycott their services because they came out with awful suicide message t-shirts. I can’t believe that they would sell these shirts. But I need my meds more than I need the boycott.

With the pain rising, I have been thinking of killing myself for the past hour or so. I can’t help thinking that I would be better off dead. I feel like such a burden to my family as I can’t do anything to help them. I never did take the frozen food out to the basement. I talked with my mother and we will be putting them on the porch as it’s cold enough out. That will save my ankle some pain. I just hope that it doesn’t hurt my back.

I just feel so useless. I have my favorite music playing to try and distract me from my thoughts. Pearl Jam is coming to Fenway Park this year and I really want to see them but I am afraid that my ankle will not be able to stand it. And it’s not like you can sit down at a rock concert. I tried when I went to a Bon Jovi concert a few years ago. Impossible. It was a shitty concert but still. I would love to go if I can get tickets. I’ll worry about my leg then. I am listening to Pearl Jam song right now. It’s one of my favorites from their new album. I really like their new album even though it is not that new. It’s a couple of years old now. But I love it just the same as I love their first album.

I texted my therapist saying that I was suicidal from the pain. I already had one anxiety attack over it and my heart really hurt. I felt like my chest muscles were going to collapse it was hurting so much. It didn’t last long, just a few seconds but it freaked me out none the less. I hate when I get sharp chest pains. I know it’s not a heart attack but probably some ischemia. With all the latest research, I am due for a heart attack and I do hope that it kills me. I will be very upset if it doesn’t.
I had a good stretch of no suicidal thoughts for a while now. But severe pain will bring it back in an instant. I just want to die. I took another dose of my pain meds and the voices wanted me to take the bottle. I was so tempted. That is why I don’t keep that many pills at my bedside. It’s too easy to take more pills than I need, especially when I am in agony. I don’t know if more is better. I have never tried it. Most I will take is three pills and that seems to be the magic number. But I never have taken more than that at any one time. I have thought it and been commanded to but I never went through with the thoughts. I took an Ativan because of the anxiety this is causing me. I know I probably should have taken a trilafon too but I will take that with my night meds. I have been taking my night meds early lately. I just get so tired and then I take them and wake up. So tonight I am just taking the essentials, once I can stand up again. I am waiting for the pain to go down so I can take my night meds. I hope it goes down soon because I really want to go to bed. I am utterly exhausted.

Random 321

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

I have been sleeping most of the day. I just feel so tired after I took just two of my pain pills and a baclofen. My foot/ankle have been doing this reflex thing that is so painful. I woke up with my ankle screaming at me and decided the hell with it, I will sleep all day if I have to. Of course, my mother decided she was going to call me every few hours to disrupt my sleep. She doesn’t understand that when someone is sleeping they don’t want to answer the phone.

I just took my night meds and was shocked to find that today isn’t Saturday like I thought it was. I am glad I noticed that or this would have been a Saturday blog on a Friday. I didn’t go out today, though I wanted to. I really have to go out tomorrow and get my powerball tickets. I think the only reason there hasn’t been a jackpot winner is because I haven’t played. I will get two quick picks and hope for the best. I had a dream I was at work, in the lab, and I found out I won the 700 million dollars. I just went about my business, collecting tubes that have been logged in and putting them away or where they needed to go next. I miss working in the lab. It gave me something to do.

I am feeling a little bit better as far as my depression/suicidal feelings go. They come and go like the wind but sometimes stay around to cause a big storm. I think that is why I was so sleepy today. It just takes a lot out of you to deal with such strong emotions.

A blogger friend and my Twitter friends have been posting their dislike of Amazon’s new T-shirts that are for suicide like it’s a joke. I am also against it though I haven’t voiced my opinion on the matter. One shirt has a guy that is about to hang himself and another guy sitting down eating popcorn. The shirt is themed “Suicide Watch”. It totally is NOT funny and only further stigmatizes the struggle of suicide. No wonder people don’t take it seriously when they have these jackasses portraying it as a joke. The other shirt that they have is “got suicide”? I don’t find it funny at all.

My ex is trying to get in touch with me again. She created a new Facebook account just so she could message me. I haven’t read the message. We are always on and off again but she lives 90 miles away from me so I don’t really have to worry about her. The thing is, she is married and has a disabled child. She has her own issues and I just can’t deal because she doesn’t take care of herself. I can go on about it but I won’t because it is just too personal. Despite all this, we still love each other and we have this weird connection. Like we can go for years without talking and then pick up the phone and just start talking like there was no time elapse. We were penpals before we became lovers. But it’s difficult to be friends when we have such strong emotions for one another.

I still got this cold though I think I am getting better. I am not sneezing as much as I have been. I also need to try and drink as much fluid as possible over the next few days to pump up my veins. It will really suck if they can’t get a vein on Monday for the contrast. It will make the whole MRI useless.

Dead Poet’s Society

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Dead Poet’s Society

I watched Dead Poet’s Society for the first time. I cried at the end. It was the second movie with Robin Williams that I have seen since his death. I thought there would be a hanging not a shooting death but I knew there was a suicide in it. The aftermath can be so scary. I miss Robin Williams very much. I have loved every character that he played. It’s so hard watching him perform knowing that he is dead.

My mother made pizza for supper. She also wanted me to do a “few chores” before we ate. I was too busy watching the movie and unlike my TiVo, I couldn’t pause it. It was very frustrating. So I snuck a few slices in between the low points of the movie. That tided me over until the end. I had to keep my face hidden because I couldn’t allow my mother to see that I had been crying. She would have thought something more was going on. Then when I was trying to remember to find my glasses, I had a smile on my face so she said something about that. There is no in between with her. It drives me crazy. You just have to be miserable like her, I guess.

I wanted to read a chapter or two of the Outsiders but I am feeling low and not really in a reading mood. I don’t know why, but every time I watch a television show or movie I feel tired afterwards. I am sure crying didn’t help. That always exhausts me.

I partially watched a pitiful football game. The Patriots were supposed to be playing but I don’t know who showed up in their uniforms. They were just awful. I thought they were going to comeback in the final quarter but no one showed up. It was just terrible.

My thigh pain has returned. I was limping most of the day. Sitting watching the movie didn’t help it. I haven’t taken anything for it, yet. I am afraid that if I do, I will fall asleep. I really don’t want to wake up again around 0330. That’s an awful time to wake up. I know that is probably why I am so tired, because I didn’t sleep well. I am thinking of going out tomorrow but I have a lot of phone calls to make. I got to find out if I am still enrolled in my insurance as I didn’t receive a confirmation of benefits like I usually do. I’m kind of anxious to make the call because I hate making calls. I am always afraid I am going to be rejected or be spoken to in a mean manner. I think I still have benefits because I think I would have received paperwork for COBRA if it lapsed. I just don’t know if my premium went up or not.

I made no effort today to clear my bed off. Between the movie and football game, I really haven’t spent that much time in my room today. I still need to fill my pill box for the week. I really don’t want to go through every pill bottle every night like I did last week. Even then I was just taking what I felt like taking.