Tag: transgender

Foot and ankle hurting

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain

Foot and ankle hurting

I really wanted to get out of the house today, but my ankle and foot were really hurting me today. I woke up in pain, took some meds and fell back to sleep. My back was also hurting, which it never does so I hope I didn’t over do it on Monday going for that long walk. So I just decided after therapy I was going to stay in and go back to sleep. Trouble was, I couldn’t friggin sleep. Brain was on high power and I couldn’t shut it down. Didn’t help that voices were ramped up. They were curious on what I was talking about with my therapist.

I talked to my therapist about my diagnosis. She said that I could be either Bipolar II or III. Great. More confusion of what my diagnosis is. But she doesn’t have the latest DSM and neither do I. I usually buy one just to keep abreast of the diagnostic criteria for certain disorders but this time I am not going to buy one because, I can’t afford it. It’s like 80 bucks or more. I haven’t even looked at the price on amazon. Nor do I want to.

I am glad I didn’t go out today as it is hot out. I didn’t have coffee today. I just didn’t feel like making it. Besides, I thought I would be going to Starbucks later in the afternoon. I suppose I could have left the house and gone to the post office. That wouldn’t have been too strenuous. I need to send my book to my editor as a thank you. I will try and do it tomorrow when I go out and meet my friend for coffee. I haven’t seen my friend in a couple of years now, though we usually just keep in touch via email. I am really looking forward to meeting her.

I have been feeling frustrated lately. I can’t seem to get it out of my head just how suicidal I was a month ago. I was reading my journal and there was no indication in what I was writing that I was suicidal until the 21st of July. Then things went from bad to worse. I still feel out of it at times. And the fact that I stayed so long in the hospital was a bit frustrating because nothing got done while I was there. I still felt like my needs weren’t attended to. No wonder people often attempt after a hospitalization. They feel hopeless when they get admitted and still continue to feel that way after they get discharged. My therapist has a packet of letters of my admission. She is going through them slowly but surely. It documents my stay and the treatment or lack there of, that I received. Even when I told them I was experiencing PTSD symptoms, all they told me to do was to take deep breaths. Not helpful.

I still don’t know how I am alive today. I am beyond amazed. But yet most people don’t realize just how suicidal I can be. And it doesn’t take much to get pushed in that direction. I don’t know if I am suicidal now but I know that it wouldn’t take much for me to do something. Today my niece called me a woman and I wanted to say something but I held back. No need to confuse her. I don’t ever think I will be called a man.

I slept pretty good last night, even though I still had some weird dreams. But I feel so tired right now I could fall right asleep. My brain is shutting down for some reason. Maybe the pain meds are finally hitting me. I am in a lot of pain and I have noticed that when I am, I can’t think straight. It’s like I go into another dimension or something. Maybe I just dissociate because I am hurting too much. I have done that more than a few times. Sometimes, when the pain is this bad, I will think my ankle is someone else’s, that it doesn’t belong to me. Pain changes you and no one knows it because they don’t see it. Sure, expensive tests will reveal the damage (fMRI’s can detect these changes) but not everyone can afford them. Doctors won’t order the tests because these changes that are seen, are seen through research only and don’t really have clinical value, meaning even if revealed, won’t change a clinical course for the patient. It is just so frustrating to live in chronic pain all the time. But I just take what works for me and hope that tomorrow I can go out to meet my friend. It is going to be an early day for me but that is ok. I have no plans for the afternoon, aside from writing my blog.

two shots of gin

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, blogging, depression

Two shots of gin

The bottle of Beefeater gin was staring at me all day. So I had a few shots. I know it wasn’t the smartest thing I have done but since I left the hospital, I have been thirsty for an adult beverage. Today my pain isn’t bad, so I don’t have to worry about mixing the alcohol with my pain meds.

I did something good today. I walked 1.2 miles. The first time I ever walked that distance. I am pretty sore but I will be resting tomorrow. My foot wanted to turn the more fatigued I got so it is hurting and feels like I have a blister forming. I don’t know. There is nothing there right now but might be there in the morning. My foot is also swollen so I really have to be off my feet for the next 24 hours. I then found out that the temp today was 90 degrees. No wonder I was a sweaty mess. I didn’t think it was that hot but damn, what a stupid thing I did. Oh well.

I got my editing done on the short story piece that I am working on for my next book. My book is now 50% done. I just need to edit a few blog entries and it will be ready for publication soon. I was on a writer’s website today and they said that short story collections don’t sell well. I was bummed but I am going to put one out just the same. It can’t do worse than my book. It is going to be a risk, but I think this time, I am going to market my book better than my first one. If it doesn’t sell, I will pull it.

I also took a chance on the same writing website by trying to get an agent. I sent a query, which I have never done before. I will know in 1-4 weeks if she will accept my book. If I get a different publisher, it will be great. Maybe I will also get more publicity for my book, which will mean more sales, hopefully. I told my writing partner but haven’t heard anything back from her yet.

Other than being exhausted from my little hike I took today, I am feeling okay. My foot is hurting but that is my normal pain. I am nervous about my appointment with my therapist tomorrow. It is all about the transgender piece that I wrote. She might go off and I will have to hear her rant all session about how I should go to the next step in my transition. That will be painful. And once she starts, it is so damn hard to shut her up. I might be able to change the subject, if I am able to get a word in edge wise. I just want her opinion on the article and see what she thinks about it. I don’t want to talk more about it than that. Maybe she will cancel on me…

I have been listening to the radio most of the day today. I can’t tell you how many times they play the same songs every four hours. I don’t listen to repeats on my MP3 player so even though listening to new country music was refreshing, listening to my favorite songs that I had on mp3 more than once was killing the song. I have listened to the songs over and over so I know every word to the song but usually I like to listen to the song once a day and that is all. I get my fix. If I want to hear it again because it is stuck in my head, that is a different story. I think the radio kills so many good songs because they just play them over and over again. Pisses me off. I finally shut the radio off just now because they were playing “banjo” by Rascal Flatts. I can’t stand that song! It just annoys me. Nothing to do with them playing the song over and over again, it is just that I like ballads from the Flatts boys.

I couldn’t remember if I took my blood pressure medication this morning or not. This morning was kind of rough. I woke up around 0630 due to a bad dream. I had taken a bunch of Neurontin to quiet the nerve pain that I have been feeling all day yesterday so I was kind of out of it when I woke up. It took a cup of coffee and some breakfast to get my brain back in working order. I think I took them before making breakfast but I am not sure. I would count the pills but I mixed my old script with the new one so I really don’t have a correct pill count. So if I missed taking them this morning, oops. I hate taking pills in the morning. I really like to take them around noon when I am somewhat more awake. But I am still sort of on hospital schedule for meds. I am trying to break out of it but I keep failing at it. Because of my sleep difficulties, I have been trying to go to sleep later but take my meds around 8 PM. Doesn’t always work out that way but I try. This way I am asleep, hopefully by 9 or 10 PM. Only trouble with this line of reasoning is that I wake up around midnight or one in the morning. Fucking sucks. That is what happened last night. I woke up at one because of a stupid crazy dream and decided to take Neurontin to get back to sleep. I was expecting to sleep most of the day but I woke up instead at 0630 due to another crazy ass dream. And I can’t even recall it now. I wrote down the other dream in my journal as I wrote before the meds knocked me out. So because I didn’t sleep more than eight hours, I was kind of foggy this morning. No, I didn’t take the meds to harm myself. I have taken large doses of Neurontin before so I know the drug well. Only side effect other than being foggy is an appetite of a horse. Though my appetite has been okay for the most part today. I will probably get the hungry horrors tomorrow.

feeling distraught and confused

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, chronic physical pain, transgender, writing

I’m a little distraught today. Today is my BFFL’s birthday. He called and told me thank you after I called him to wish him a happy birthday. He then told me some stiffening news. His ex-fiance died in a car crash last week. I remember hearing about it on Twitter as I get the State police tweets. I just felt really bad because in my mind, I had “ruled” it a suicide because it was a single fatal crash. Turns out she had a seizure while driving and crashed into a tree, causing her car to explode. Not a good way to die. She was only 33 years old. I feel for her family.

I didn’t know her that well. We didn’t know each other at all, only through my BFFL. I met her a few times while they were together. She didn’t like me because she was a jealous type and thought I was going to steal him away from her. I kept telling my BFFL to say that I was gay and that would end any animosity but he wouldn’t. I guess he liked having a jealous girlfriend. She worked for the Mass Pike Authority so the last time I saw her was at a toll booth. I didn’t and she didn’t realize who we were until after we left. It was one of those do I know you but hurry up and leave type of situations. I can’t be spending all day at a toll booth. The cars behind me wouldn’t like it! I just feel really sad about the way she died.

I tried walking today, despite being in pain. It was horrible. By the time I was half way home, my ankle felt like someone was ripping it apart. I came home, got back into my pjs, took some nerve pain pills, one pain pill, and now I am writing my blog. I am not doing anything else today and hope to God today isn’t a crap day. I have nerve pain in my butt so bad I can hardly sit as I am typing this. I know I should be working on my editing my book. But I am in too much pain and soon will be in lala land. Besides, if I work on it today, I won’t be able to work on anything the rest of this week.

I have decided that half of my cash funds are going to Starbucks. I HAVE to be able to leave the house and go to Starbucks or I will just go insane in the house. My mother is now playing Yatzee, a dice game, instead of watching TV. It is so very annoying!! I rather hear the speakers of the TV than the roll of the die. She plays by herself, just to keep herself occupied. It is driving me crazy so I need to get out of the damn house.

In addition to seeing my therapist this week, I am seeing my pdoc. My pdoc sent me an email asking to come in for an earlier time. I asked again if she wanted me to come in early but I haven’t heard back from her. I think she got confused when she sent me the email but now I am confused. It’s a later time than I usually see her, which isn’t a problem, because I have nothing better to do. But I like to occupy my time accordingly. If she wants me to come in earlier, I would like to know.

I haven’t worked on the TG piece that I wrote a couple of days ago. I am going to wait until my therapist has a chance to read it before I work on it some more. I really want to re-write it, just write about how I came out to myself and where I am today with it all. I bought a reward for writing it. I felt like I should be rewarded for writing such an emotional piece. My BFFL doesn’t know I want to be a male. I think he will flip out or I might lose the relationship if he ever were to find out.

The editor for the AAS has given me a month to work on this piece. But I have so much time on my hands that I can’t possibly sit on it for that length of time. But I suppose I can alternate between my second book writings and the TG piece. I know the TG piece is going to be a huge part of therapy sessions in the upcoming weeks.

Transgender part 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt survivor, transgender

Coming out as transgender II

The original draft of this document is password protected. As most of you know, I very rarely do so. But this time, it is a work in progress and is for the benefit of something I am working on in therapy. I hope that you will respect my privacy in this matter.

As I was writing this piece of work today, I cried. It brought out such strong emotions recapping all that I have been through with my sexuality and being in the wrong body. I didn’t know it was going to hit me so hard. I thought I had dealt with these feelings but apparently I didn’t. Or maybe it was just tears that needed to be let out again because I had held them in for so long.

I have been battling my menses this week because it is the off week that I must do so. Maybe that has me a little more sensitive than I really should be? Coming out as being transgendered has not been easy. Yet, so far, the people who have read my book doesn’t seem to care that I am so. The people who read my blog doesn’t care. One blogger has stated that he thought I was a male all along. I had no clue that I present myself as such. My therapist sees it. But how I view myself is much different than she could ever see.

I am not a cross dresser transgender. I truly believe that I am a male trapped in a female body. And I hate it. I hate myself for not speaking up sooner about it. Now I feel like it is too late to take the steps forward to be a male. It gets me severely depressed. Even more depressing is when someone uses my real name or the wrong pronoun. That really sets off a suicidal trigger in me I didn’t know I had.

Today has been a day that I wish I could hang my head in shame. But instead, I spent most of the day with my niece, babysitting her. She mostly watched TV while I worked on my blogs. And played my Facebook game. I took her to my cousin who is a hairdresser to have her hair cut. That took so long. But I got to know someone from Australia. It was really cool talking to him. I now forget what part of Australia he is from.

Being transgender is not something that I choose to be anymore than a chair is a chair. I am in the wrong body. Plain and simple. I don’t want to be a buff male, just one that has body and facial hair that goes with my gender. Sure I have often wondered if this was all in my head, that all I needed was reverse psychology and I would like being a female but there has been no indication that is going to happen. I have spent all my life being who I am. I think with my male brain. I have male mannerisms. I grow facial hair (though it is not complete). I also wondered if it was because of the hormone disruption that caused me to be a male and not a female. That if I didn’t have that X chromosome, I would have been ok. I will never know. I just know what I feel inside doesn’t match the outside. And it hurts in ways you cannot possibly know.