Tag: transgender

the baseball game and depression

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

I woke up early this morning. I only had six hours of sleep. I tried to go back to sleep but I couldn’t. I even took meds to make me sleepy and I am still awake. I keep on having the same bad dream over and over. I wish I knew what it was about but it eludes me.

Tonight I am going to the Red Sox game. They are playing the Astros. First time that they are playing them in the American League as the Astros were on the National League until this year. The record is opposite of ours, 7-14. I hope we whip their ass tonight. I haven’t been to Fenway in so long. It is going to be awesome going back there.

I plan on getting my hair cut today. I have nothing better to do than to do that. It has been a month since my last cut and it is pretty long, longer than I like. Hopefully after the cut I will feel better. I still feel down in the dumps despite having excitement for the baseball game. I am kind of worried that my ankle is going to be messed up but that is ok. I will have a few days to rest it afterwards. Already my ankle is throbbing. I hope it doesn’t get any worse.

I have been meaning to write about my songs and what they mean to me. I still have not done that. I just don’t feel like writing these days and it gets me down. I feel like I have to write something emotional to feel better but it has not happened in quite a long time. It’s like I am guarded but I don’t know why I am so guarded. I have tried free association but it only gets me so far. I have not even written in my journal the past few days because I have the fuck its. I wish I was talking with my therapist today but she is busy and only spending half a day in the office. It is frustrating for me because we normally have a 13:30 appointment and today we don’t because her child has a half day at school. Which messes up both our schedules. I can’t see her and she can’t see me. GGRRRR But I already saw her twice this week so I should be ok. I am to text her updates on things. I think after the ball game I might go into the hospital. I just feel like I need something extra, to be in the land of security. I just hope that I don’t get set off to McLean again. I like it there but they really mess up my meds big time and no matter how many times I tell them how I take them don’t fix it until I get discharged. Besides that, having your menses while inpatient is no fun. Not saying that having them is, but it just is a hassle because you share a common bathroom and there isn’t a waste basket near you so you have to go out after doing your business with your product to throw it away. It just sucks. I wish I could say I will go in after my menses but I don’t know when the menses will stop.

Just came home from the game. I should be happy that I was at Fenway. I should be happy my boys won 7-2. I should be happy that I ate a Fenway Frank. But I am not. I am so depressed that you can feel that ache. I feel like crawling under a rock and staying there for an eternity. I don’t know why I feel like this. Nothing happened to make me feel like this. My ankle is wicked sore and painful but it’s nothing that I can’t handle. It is not unbearable. What is unbearable is the ache in my chest that won’t go away. I just feel so downhearted it’s not funny. And worse of all is that there is nothing I can do to stop it from hurting. There is no pill I can take to make it go away. Tonight I am wishing for death and hoping it comes and takes me away.

cold and rainy day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, suicide, transgender

Just had my session with my therapist and now I feel really down. I thought that talking about the week’s events would help but instead it just brought me down. I am supposed to go out tonight to have dinner with friends. I really don’t feel up to it. I can make the excuse of my foot bothering me but I need to go out. I have to stop spending so much time at home.

I don’t know how I became such a hermit. I guess having nothing to do all day will do that. I need to take a shower today. I have decided that I will take one every other day. I took a pain pill and now all I want to do is sleep.

I finished my paper for the AAS blog. I still don’t know when it will get published. I am hoping it will soon. I am really worked hard on this paper to get the word out on what it means to be in a collaborative therapy.

It’s cold and windy and rainy today. I really don’t want to go out in this weather. I just hate it. And I know it is only going to get colder tonight.

Just read on twitter that the Associated Press’s twitter account got hacked and sent reports that the White House got bombed. People are so fucking stupid. I don’t understand why they have to hack people’s accounts. I just don’t see the fun in it at all. Then I read in my support group, yahoo is still fucked up. They still haven’t fixed their hacking. Only way to do it is by telling them your account has been compromised to change your password to a strong one.

Tonight is difficult. I am in pain emotionally and physically. I got the stupid menses tonight. I thought I was bleeding but didn’t know for sure. Now I know and I hate it. I can’t stand being in this predicament. I hate having to wear women’s clothes again because boxer short just can’t hold feminine products. I am beside myself with anger that this has happened, again. I got to call the damn endo doc tomorrow and be like WTF!!! Just when I thought everything was going back to normal again and I could progress to my transgender issues this sets me back! I am so pissed…

my thoughts for the day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, depression, mental disorders, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt, transgender

Today was a snow day. I didn’t go out because it was plain yucky out with freezing sleet and rain at times. I have to go out tomorrow so that will be better. I plan on taking a shower tonight so I don’t have to take one in the morning. Sometimes a shower can exhaust me so it is kind of good that I take it at night.

I started writing another paper on suicide. I don’t know where it is going but I decided to define some terms that I think will be valuable and then take it from there. I have to remember to put in copyright at the end of the paper so no one steals my work. I know it could be “stolen” anyways or parts of it very easily with copy and paste, but at least with the copyright it might prevent that from happening.

I made some progress with one of my characters with my game that I play. I am glad I did cause I didn’t think I could as I don’t play it very often. I have three Facebook accounts for this game so I can get the stuff I need to play. Between the four accounts, I use it to advance in the game as best I can. Course I have other player that help out too, but not so much for my other accounts.

Because today was a snow day, I didn’t have therapy this afternoon. I am glad because I was already in a bad mood this morning. I really wanted to go out today but I couldn’t because of the snow. Hopefully tomorrow I will be able to get to McD’s and get a cheeseburger. I have been thinking of it every time it comes on the radio. I know they are bad for you and everything but they just taste so good.

I tried working on my book today but that didn’t happen. I need a break from it for a little while. It is stirring up too much stuff.

I don’t really want to go to group tomorrow. I just feel like I opened up tomorrow and I need more time to process what I said. I just feel really terrible that I talked about transgender and didn’t get a trip to the hospital. It was really weird. I thought I would go in the hospital because people don’t talk about it. My therapist was telling me that Kelly Curic had done a segment on kids that were transgender. That is all well and good but I didn’t have that growing up. I couldn’t express my feelings because it meant I would get smacked in the mouth. Nor did I have the words for what I was going through. I just knew that I was a guy at a young age but I was forced to conform to being the sex I was born with. I had to act like a girl. I couldn’t play sports I wanted to. I couldn’t wear the clothes I wanted to. I couldn’t even wear a baseball hat. My father threatened to cut them all up if he saw me wearing one. So I couldn’t be who I really am without having physical violence with my parents. It killed me whenever he threatened to destroy my property. I just wanted to die all the more. I figured what would be the point in living if I couldn’t be who I was. I envy the kids today that are getting the support and transitioning that they are doing. I wish I had that growing up.

Ramblings 34

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Ramblings 34

I have been thinking about what to write about all day and nothing has come to me. I needed a break from working on my book so I left that out today. I had my coffee and went out finally. It was to the bank and Walgreens. I really didn’t need anything at Walgreens but I wanted something so I got some juice and a soda. Boring I know. I felt like getting some chips but my middle doesn’t need them.

I went over some of my posts that I wrote as papers and placed copyright in the last line so no one can scoop it like they did my comparison paper. That was the first paper I put copyright. I don’t know if it makes a difference in the internet world as people can still cut and past text.

My therapist changed times on me today for some reason. Instead of meeting at 13:30 I am now meeting her at 1800. I am sure I will find out why she had to change later as she gave me a free “get of out jail card”, which means I can cancel an appointment less than 24 hrs and not get penalized for it. But knowing her, there has to be a sufficient reason for me cancelling.

There is another snow storm coming in my area tonight. It is supposed to start after 2300. My leg is already giving me hints as to how bad it is going to be. But at least my back isn’t hurting me, yet.

I have been feeling ok today. I hope that doesn’t change after I talk with my therapist tonight. Sometimes she can stir some stuff up. This week I have three appointments with her, plus group therapy on Wednesday. OH JOY. Seems my life right now focuses on my therapy rather than anything else. I guess that is a good thing as I can work on things that I couldn’t before because they were too loaded. I am working on the transgender stuff but it’s tough. It activates my suicidality and sends me into a tailspin. And once I am there it is hard to get out of there. Like this weekend when I felt like a worthless burden on people and that I would be better off dead. I don’t always feel this way but when I do, all I want to do is die. And I plan my death because it is the only thing that helps me cope with my feelings. I know it sounds crazy, but thinking of death and planning has been shown to ease the anxiety in suicidality. It’s more of a fantasy that you think in your head and it somehow calms you down. No one knows why this happens but for me it has worked and I find that I am less apt to actually go through with it because my perturbation has been decreased.