Tag: writing

aliens are attacking us

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging

I can’t stay silent anymore. It’s burning a hole in my stomach. There are aliens in the heads of the ISIS people that are controlling them to do bad things. I have known this for a long time now, at least a year. I have been afraid of speaking up because I know no one will believe me. But it’s true. They want to control the world, like they did back in Egyptian times. The aliens have come back with a vengeance because they want us to bow down to them. They are now gods. When the aliens take over the bodies of humans, they become a god. That is why they kill people who go against their way of thinking. We are being attacked by aliens and their counterparts, the Jaffa. The Jaffa does what the aliens want them to do. I don’t know how many have been infected with the parasite that controls them. But there has to be at least one leader that is the head of the group. He will decide who gets to be the surrogate for these aliens and the aliens that are not yet fully formed. They need human hosts. I think that is why they take children so the not so fully formed aliens can be surrogates with the children. They grow up with the aliens inside them to control them.

I don’t know when this invasion occurred. But these are true. The only reason they have found evidence of the aliens is because once the host is dead, they shrivel up and die. There are no markings of the aliens being in the host. That would be too obvious. The aliens want power over the humans, to make them slaves and bow down to their religion. I don’t know what their religion is but it is not one that is part of the human race. Those that refuse to endorse this religion get killed on the spot. There are no second chances with these people. You either fight with them or against them. It is sad that no one but me has deciphered this. I think the intelligence agencies have been keeping it a secret because they don’t want the public to know. But I am telling you now, this is what is going on. They must be stopped. I know that it is true. The only way to save the world from being controlled by aliens is killing them. There are no other measures to take. Thankfully, bullets and bombs kill these beasts. I wish there was a way to negotiate with them but they are not negotiable aliens.

I have said too much. This is all true. Believe what you will.

Sunday Ramblings

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Been trying to fix the setting on my word doc for the past half hour to no avail. I think the latest update screwed the settings because things are different and it’s annoying the crap out of me. But when I view via print preview, things are normal. As long as my margins are ok on that view, I am happy. I just hope it doesn’t mess with my book settings. That would be awful.

I put a status up on Facebook that I thought was hysterical and no one thought it was. They just called my mother right. Not the response I was looking for. I had some cookies after breakfast because I was still hungry. My mother asked if they were still soft as she left them uncovered. I told her she should cover them and then she told me no as she doesn’t want them to get sweaty. I nearly choked on the cookie. It was the funniest thing I ever heard. I am still laughing about it.

My mother is cleaning the bathroom today. I feel bad I can’t help her because my back is hurting me and so is my ankle. My mother noticed I was hurting as I was hunched over as I prepared my breakfast. I couldn’t straighten out. The change in temperature always gets me. It went from the 50s to the 30s overnight. Not good. It has warmed up to about 50 degrees but the temp still is jumping and falling during the day and my back cannot take it. It just wrecks havoc on my pain levels.

Because my pain levels are bad today, there is no way that I could go to Stop and Shop to buy some Powerade. I am running low. I will try and go tomorrow. I have been slowly accumulating my shopping list for the big shopping. I couldn’t get groceries last month because my laptop needed to get fixed. I am hoping this month I can get what I need as I am low on stuff and I need to get some stuff for Turkey day. My mother didn’t buy my butternut squash. I love squash. I think we are having it over my middle sister’s house. I have no idea how we are going to carry the turkey and the chicken over there. She’s a half block away from our house. I have no idea who is doing what. I know I won’t be cooking because I don’t cook. Most I can do it pop a pie in the oven and go by the instructions. I hope my brother in law got the pumpkin pie and makes it correctly this time. Last time he made it, it came out like soup. I miss buying pies at the hospital I worked at. I always bought a pumpkin and apple pies. They were really good. Maybe I will have dinner with my friend one night just so I can have pie.

I have been in a depressed mood since I can’t do anything today. Even sitting typing this is hurting my back. I took an NSAID today but it hasn’t helped. I would take a pain pill but I really don’t want to sleep. I did some reading before I had lunch. I am not really liking this book. It’s just stuff that I already knew but the author’s take on it is very negative. I have never read a book that was written like this. Usually history books have an unbiased tone to it. Not this one. And the author focuses on the inaptitude of Lincoln while not focusing on the stupidity and laziness of McClellan, in my opinion. This is all in the first chapter I read. I am definitely going to do a review on this book because it is so terrible. No wonder the book was marked 50% off.

I made some room on my Tivo by deleting some programs that I already watched but was saving for some reason. One program was the 2013 World Series. It killed me to delete it but there was no way for me to transfer it to another media because the TiVo is just too old. I don’t have a DVD recorder. I had bought one but couldn’t figure out how to get it set up. I tried every combination of connecting the wires, buying converter things, and I still couldn’t get the fucker to work. So I gave it away to someone who could. A waste of money but a least it’s being used and not collecting dust in my house. I am just not good with stuff like that.

I didn’t sleep well last night. I woke up around 0230 and went back to sleep around 0430, only to wake up again around 0745. I am so tired. I would nap but I am so afraid of making my sleeping pattern worse. Being in pain is not helping the napping cause because there is nothing more I rather do than take a couple of pain meds and sleep. I have such a messed up schedule I am surprised I can function. I think that is part of the reason I feel depressed is because my sleep is awful. I either stay up late, wake up really early and stay up all day and night, or I don’t sleep at all. I never have a day where I am sleeping all day. I am jealous of the people that can do this, or at least have a straight 6+ hours of sleep.

I have been listening to Taylor Swift today. I was listening to Lady Antebellum but I got tired of listening to them, only because my stupid shuffler would repeat the same three songs in a row, or play the same song twice in a row. I love their music but I also like variety. It would be one thing if I put it on repeat but I didn’t. One of their songs I found on YouTube. I started crying when I heard it because I think it was the last song they recorded as a group. Supposedly, the group broke up a few weeks ago. Their lead singer, Charles Kelley is performing solo now and so is the other singer Hillary Scott. I don’t know what Dave is going to do. I am so upset by this break up because they were my favorite group.

I did some editing this morning on the new story that I wrote. I didn’t write anything new because I didn’t feel inspired. I am glad I read through some of it because there were errors and words that were just wrong. I have no idea what I was thinking when I wrote it but it must have made sense at that time.

Another Cold, Rainy, Crappy Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Another Cold, Rainy, Crappy Day

When I left my house, it wasn’t raining, but it was still cold and crappy out. I got to my father’s and quickly did his meds because I wanted to go home before the rain started. The weatherman said it would start in the afternoon and it was quickly approaching that time. I left after some discussion with my father about why his T-Pass wasn’t working. Turns out, he never bought the monthly pass and he didn’t have enough money on his card. That was why his card didn’t work when he tried to go on the train. During this run around, it started raining and I was cursing my father for keeping me in his presence. Before this, he called me back to his apartment because his TV wouldn’t shut off. HOLY FUCK, are you kidding me? Turned out the batteries in his remote needed to be changed. UGH. I just wanted to go home, be under the covers and write.

I had my Brazil Sertraozinho coffee today. I was going to have Pike’s but the Brazil coffee was first and it was a long time since I had it. It came out perfect. If my back wasn’t hurting, I probably would have done a happy dance. I knew it was going to rain today by the way I was hurting. After having my coffee, but before I left for my father’s, I worked on my story. I changed the font to Comic Sans because I wanted that font for my book this time. I wrote and it brought the word count to almost 1200 and the page count to 3. I was happy. I could tell I haven’t looked at it since I wrote it because there were some grammatical errors and some words didn’t fit. Like I had along instead of alone. Don’t know how that happened, but I changed it none the less. Once I get up to at least 5 pages, I will print it out to edit it. I have decided that I am going to edit each story as it comes out so that when it’s all together, I am not overwhelmed with it like I was with my book. I am hoping I don’t need an editor this time around. I just can’t afford it. I have to find a new one too because my editor quit the business for whatever reason. There is a chance I might be able to get one through the writing class place I have been going to. They help writers so I am hoping they can help me when the time comes. I just need to have someone look over the piece when I am done with the collection to really make sure I am not obscure. I am hoping to get these pieces of work up to 200 pages. That is my goal. If it’s close to it, like 175 or so, I will be happy with that, too. I used my first semi-colon today because I had to. I never thought I would use it but it fit where I was writing. I know I am geeking right now, but I am just excited to finally get back to writing something. This book that I am working on will be a collection of short stories relating to mental illness.

I wanted to write last night but I was too tired and knew that if I did, I would be up till god knows when. As it is, I had crappy sleep, waking up every 2-3 hours. It was terrible and I took benedryl too. So much for that helping me sleep. I really wanted to take some Gabapentin but I will tonight. My pain was off the charts last night, which is why it took forever to settle down. I was also hungry, which didn’t help matters. I finally caved in and had some bread with sauce. It’s an Italian thing. I didn’t feel like making something because that would mean having to wash dishes and I am anti-dishwashing. I only do it if I absolutely have to or feel up to it.

I sold a book today in Europe. It’s my first European sale. I hope I get the royalties next month. Lately, if it isn’t in USD, I don’t get the money because my bank only accepts USD. It is a problem that I have with Amazon. I don’t know why they can’t exchange it when they deposit it in my account like they do for Kindle. Just doesn’t make any sense. I have called other banks to see if they would accept deposits other than USD and they don’t so I am stuck having my money sit in Amazon.

My mother went shopping today and my cousin just called me to tell me they are on their way home. I didn’t pick up because I am hurting too much to go up and down the stairs. He is healthy so let him do the stair climbing. There is no reason why he can’t, other than being a lazy fuck, which he is. I have already done too much today as I was walking around and standing waiting for the bus. I can’t do anymore today because I am already in pain. I am the one that is disabled, not him. If I wasn’t disabled, I would be working. They just don’t get how much the stairs kill my ankle. If I felt better, I would help bring the groceries in but I just can’t. Tomorrow I have to go out to my sister’s party. If I exceed my limit today, I won’t be able to go tomorrow. That’s not fair to her. I’ll just stay in my room until they leave. It’s my pain levels I have to worry about, not some groceries.

In Pain and Can’t Sleep

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

In pain and can’t sleep

I have been fighting pain since I came home. Soon after I finished my previous blog today, my middle finger knuckle started hurting. I took some aspirin hoping it would settle it down some. It did but then it wore off and is now hurting more than my damn ankle. If I move my finger, I am in more pain so I am trying to not move it too much. Good thing I don’t give people the finger too often, hehehe.

I have been listening to Pandora for the past couple of hours. It’s Terri Clark radio and it is a good mix of songs, older country to new. I love it. AND it plays Terri Clark songs, unlike the Jake Owen radio station I created. I created it to listen to Jake, and I got about 30 songs before I got to Jake. I also got people that weren’t country like Rhianna and someone else. I don’t remember the name. I think I will have to delete the station and start over.

I am very tired, more tired than I was when I wrote my other blog. But soon as I lie down, I wake up. I get restless and can’t lie down anymore. Yet when I am sitting up I can rest. It doesn’t make sense. I think I need to take an Ativan to get some sleep. I think I am nervous about tomorrow because I have to be up early to catch the 0949 bus. I should be awake by then but with this nervousness, I don’t know if I will be. I always get nervous that I will oversleep when I need to get up early. I set my alarm, just in case. If I get up before 7 but after 5, I will just stay up. If I wake up at 4 I am going to try and go back to sleep. I just don’t know how many hours I will be sleeping.

I keep plowing through my book “Dead Wake”. I find it so sad that there were warnings but no one headed them. It’s like the left hand didn’t know what the right was doing. And they thought for sure that no submarine was going to attack a civilian passenger liner. More people were killed on this boat than the Titanic. I don’t think there were any survivors, though I haven’t read the entire story, yet. I do know there were close to 2,000 dead. Just a sad story. And I am reading it for the history part and because I am a history person. I also like sunken ships and such. It is what drew me to the Titanic when they found her in 1984/5. To me, it was unimaginable that such a tragedy could happen but because it did, marine travel changed. Boats were fitted with lifeboats for ALL passengers and crew and radio communications were open 24/7. In the book, the captain of the ship ordered practice drills for lifeboats several times.

I need to get a card for my Godmother tomorrow as Wednesday is coming soon. I will try and get one while I am out and about in the morning. If I remember, maybe I will hit CVS before I hit Starbucks. I can’t believe how much my finger is throbbing. I hate arthritic pain. I hate pain in general, but arthritic pain has to be the worse because it just hurts whenever you move that joint. I am trying to keep my hand as stable as possible but I do have to flex my finger to type. It’s not really my finger that is aching, it’s the knuckle behind it. I had to take my ring off my ring finger to ease the pressure. It just sucks. And I can’t sleep because between my ankle and my hand/knuckle, I can’t fall asleep. I want to attack the donuts I bought. I know that is not going to help my pain but it will help something. But I don’t want to start eating when I am stressed because that isn’t a good thing.

Soon as my quote is published tonight, I am going to send it to my therapist. It fits with the theme of frustrated needs and suicide. Thing is, I don’t know why Shneidman uses succorance rather than love. The word is so old that Word doesn’t recognize it. I don’t know where the word has its origins. I like the history of words. I think it’s neat to know where a word came from, whether it be Latin or Greek or whatever. According to Merriam-Webster (aka Google) the word means dependence, especially a dependence on or an active seeking for nurturant care. It’s from the British, which probably explains why Word doesn’t recognize the word. So people who are looking for someone to care for them and don’t find it get frustrated and want to kill themselves. Makes sense, to me anyway. I am sure there are other mitigating factors other than this one need being thwarted that leads to thinking about suicide, however. Suicide is never just one thing. It’s usually a cascade of things that just comes to a head and you just can’t take anymore. Like being in excruciating pain every day and one day it just becomes too much to bear. That is when the planning starts and the time becomes shorter. You might act impulsively or it can be a planned event. I always have a planned event but my dates always get thwarted by my damn treaters. They still want me to stick around for to avoid THEIR pain, not mine. Maybe I will take that up with my psychiatrist tomorrow. Why she wants me to live when I am not sleeping and I am in so much pain it keeps me up and give me fucking anxiety. That to me is worse than being in pain in the first place. Thing I don’t understand is that when my pain is elevated, my BP and pulse rate aren’t. It’s strange. But I still want to die because I rather die than live this way anymore. I am only here to prevent other people’s pain and that is no way to live.