Tag: writing

Promoting is hard work

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

I remember this time last year, I was filled with anxiety about my book. I had done all I could do with the editing piece before my editor would actually read it. I had to wait almost four months before she would work on it and the waiting was filling me with doubts. This year, I am working hard on “selling” my book. It hasn’t been easy as I have no idea how to promote. I don’t have nor can afford an agent. I tried in September to get one and got no response. It has been a hard few months just selling two copies of my book a month, either via Kindle or paperback. Last month I had a promotion and sold 3 books on Kindle. It was the most I have sold since my book came out. In total, I think I have sold something like 70 books between the two formats. My goal was to reach 100 copies sold by year’s end. I still have a few months to go and I hope that it comes easily. I am hashtagging the crap out of it on Twitter, the only social media that I know of. I also use my blog but it doesn’t get more than twenty views a day and most of the time, it is not on the blog link. Even if people read my book page, they don’t click on the link to get it. It is very frustrating. I am glad I have other income or I would be screwed.

My physical therapy appointment got cancelled early this morning. They called before eight to say that my therapist was sick! Talk about courtesy. So I went to Starbucks even though it killed my back. I really wanted to work on a new blog for CAMS/SSF. I got overwhelmed with the first chapter alone so only wrote so much. It’s a lot of information and I know that I will be writing at least 1500 words for this. I want to make it count as there are at least 5 therapists that follow my blog and Twitter account. So I want to write a good blog. I know my perfectionism is what is getting in the way.

I have decided that in the new year, I am getting 90 day supply of my medication because dishing out $70 for 1 month supply every month is getting to me. Hopefully my doc will allow it. I know that my pain meds and Ativan can’t be 90 day supply but that is just two of the twelve meds that I take. I have a new prescription carrier for the new year so hopefully it will actually save me money, in the end. I am spending more on my meds than groceries or food. Luckily, I got Starbucks money for Christmas and my birthday so I don’t have to dish out $25/mth for a while. I am glad my mother gave me cash for Christmas because I am short on getting my blood pressure med this month. There are some meds I can sacrifice, but I can’t do that with my blood pressure. Last thing I need is a stroke.

I really need to take a shower today. I leaked on the way home and I smell. Fucking hate when I leak and I don’t realize it until I go to the bathroom. On the other hand, I haven’t gone to do #2 in a few days so I am not looking forward to going. I took a laxative a couple of hours ago so I go sometime tonight I hope. Just another pill I have to take. And with me taking increased pain meds, I need to be regular. I can’t believe I was so stupid in forgetting to take the senna. But I have been playing the “what I feel like taking, I’m taking” game because I didn’t fill my pill box for the week. I filled it about an hour ago so I don’t have to play that game this week. Some how last night I forgot to take my hormone pill. I don’t even remember if I took my pills last night so it’s good I filled the box. I hope I don’t have my menses because I missed a pill. I will be so bullshit!

My mood kind of sucks today. It took me forever to get organized for the blog that I am writing. I should really call it a paper or review, as that is mostly what I am doing. I can’t believe that I haven’t written, in detail, about the SSF or CAMS before now. I tried to find it in my book but I just gave a brief overview of what they are. I want this paper to be more detailed. But it’s exhausting me because there is so much information, and Jobes had the same ideas that I did, though not exactly at the same time. He was able to come up with something brilliant and useful. I just am promoting his ideas. And promoting as I have learned with my book, is hard work!

Sad day

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

Today has been a bad day. I found out one of my former coworkers lost her father this morning. Then one of my favorite baseball players got traded to San Diego, which probably means my favorite catcher is not going to be signed with the Sox this offseason. It’s just been a depressing day. Since finding out about my friend’s father passing, I just have been crying. It just sucks that my friend now has to deal with a wake and funeral for her beloved father instead of celebrating Christmas. It is just rotten and I feel so bad for her. Her father was a dad, true and true.

I woke up again in pain. Been able to sleep for a little bit before my damn app went off telling me to take my day meds. I could barely get out of bed to take them. My sister wanted me to pick up my niece but there is no way I can walk that far as I am in a lot of pain. Just going down the stairs is painful. I don’t know what to do anymore as all traditional methods of treating this pain have failed me. I have rested, taken anti-inflammatories, stretched to the best of my ability and nothing seems to help. My pain medication does relieve some pain but not enough for me to do anything. And having a cough is not helping me. Last night I had a coughing fit and I think it didn’t do me any favors, which is probably why I am hurting really bad today.

I just checked my Starbucks account. I have two free drinks, one for my birthday and one that I earned. That makes me happy, a little bit, because now I can go to Starbucks and get out of the house. Other than doctors appointments this week, I have not left the house for anything. And tomorrow I need to go to my father’s house to prepare is medication for him. It’s the only way to know that he is taking all of his pills. We found out yesterday that he lost more weight. When he first was diagnosed with his liver problem he was a 150 lbs. Now he is 124 lbs. He says that he is eating, but I don’t really think that he is. I think he has been drinking his ensure instead of eating a meal. My sister thinks so, too. We are not with him 24/7 and he can still make himself a meal. Trouble is, if he isn’t hungry, he just doesn’t eat, at all. We have tried to get him to eat three meals but that is impossible. He doesn’t have breakfast and will have a little lunch. Then gets bloated for his dinner, whatever that maybe. We see the containers of food in his fridge as he saves his meals. I don’t know what we are going to do with him. Just another hassle with the old guy.

My therapist is off today. She has been having Fridays off since the birth of her daughter. Sometimes I wish she was in the office as it is hard, sometimes, to wait till Tuesday. I will be able to get my sister’s car that day so I can see her for our appointment. It will be the first time seeing her in months! I am really looking forward to it. I just hope all the poking and prodding from my doc and PT on Monday doesn’t cause a flare up in my ankle. That will suck so bad! And I really don’t want my back to be caput on my birthday. So this pain better be gone by then!

I need to take a shower and brush my teeth some time today. I have been really bad in doing those things. I am surprised my teeth haven’t fallen out. I really should have better hygiene habits but its so hard with the depression and back pain. I can only stand for so long before I am in horrendous pain. This just sucks.

Editors’ Favorite

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, writing

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I had therapy today, like I do every Wednesday, unless she is on vacation or something else interferes with our time. We talked mostly about my father, again. By mid session, I wanted to talk about something else but couldn’t think of anything so we talked more about him. It wasn’t an analytical discussion. Just about how draining he is to me and my welfare. She doesn’t know how I can tolerate him despite my hate for him. I guess he still has his hold on me because there would be hell to pay if I didn’t tolerate him.

We also talked about how back my back got last night and this morning. I really just wanted to die. The pain was excruciating and all I did was lie down! I woke up from my nap and I couldn’t move, the pain was so damn bad. But I had to take my night meds and when I got up, it was like someone had stabbed me in the back. My hip was on fire. There was nothing I could do for it. I had to stand to take my meds. What I would have given for a nurse to come bedside to hand me my meds last night. I was tortured the whole time I took the 10 or 12 pills I take. I was up most of the night in pain, and I swear, I woke up soon as the pain meds wore off, which was every four to five hours. I never called the doctor like I was supposed to. And tomorrow doesn’t look good for me to call him either because I have to deal with my dear old father for most of the morning. My therapist asked if I should see someone. I don’t know anymore. I see my doc on Monday, so will tell him what has been going on for the past several weeks and see what he thinks I should do. I know that I am NOT going to see two different PTs. I refuse to see one for my ankle and one for my back. I know I just need the “right” exercise to get a stretch out of my back and I will be fine.

I’m still fighting a cold as my nasal discharge has been running wild lately as well as having a damn cough. I know the cough is not doing me any favors with my back pain. I just feel really run down. I know part of it is because I haven’t been sleeping well most of the week. Monday I woke up at 0530 and didn’t go to bed until late. And last night I was up every few hours because I had to change position. It was so tough sleeping last night. And once I am up, I am pretty much up for a while. It takes me forever to get back to sleep. I finally gave up today when my app for my meds kept dinging for my morning pills. I guess it’s good that I have the app or I would forget to take my pills. Not so much for my night meds as I know I have to take my hormone pill or I am screwed. Missing that dose just screws up my reproductive system and I don’t really want my menses showing up this month. It has shown up every year at this time for the past three years. I would really love to skip this month. That would be the greatest birthday present mother nature could give me!

Today, someone who found my blog, wrote on one of my support groups, looking for information on my book. I gave her the UK link for Amazon.com. I had to google it because I didn’t know what the domain was. Anyway, she found me on Facebook and she bought my book. It is probably going to be my only sale for the month. Sales have been terrible this month, but then I haven’t been promoting my book like I did last month. It’s hard work tweeting all the time for the week that I had my Kindle version for 99 cents. If I knew how hard it was going to be to sell my book, I would have saved up some money to have it published with an agent or something. I thought that Amazon would help but if they do, I don’t see it. And it was by chance I saw that my book was named the Editor’s pick of the year. I am glad I took a photo of it because it’s no longer there on my Amazon page. From what I gather from some author groups on Facebook, it all depends on how many people like your author page on Amazon on which book Amazon promotes. Unfortunately, I am not that tech savvy to find out what that page is to have people like it. Even on the Author’s page link it doesn’t have anything on it. Probably because I have not put anything on it because I don’t know how. I think I found it once but don’t ask me how I did it. And if there is a like, it’s the only like because I liked my own page! It’s so frustrating. I am thinking of putting my book on the Nook and iBook some time in 2015 so that maybe I can have better sales. But the process is like Amazon’s Createspace. I would have to create profiles for those formats and there is no guarantee that it will sell better than my current profile.

Morning Pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Morning Pain

I woke up about a half hour ago in pain. My hip is on fire. It didn’t like the position I was in, though I was not sleeping on it. I was more on my back than my hip but it didn’t matter. The pain is changing my mood and I don’t like it. I know this pain is temporary. I know it will go away eventually, but I am starting to lose hope that it will. I have been in pain since before Dec 1st. That is already more than two weeks, maybe three that this pain has been awful. I know once I start moving around it goes away, a little bit. But waking up to it, is another fucking story. I woke up a few minutes before 0200, went back to sleep and now I am still in pain. I guess the pain meds that I took at 0200 wore off. I am so aggravated! Then trying to maneuver my body so I can get up and write and take more pills just kills me. I am going to call my physiatrist today and see if he can recommend something for the pain. I don’t want to be on another fucking pill but would like some advise as to when this pain is going to heal and I think he would be better than my PCP in helping me figure it out.

Last night I was really beside myself. I didn’t want to take my night medication. Have over 8 pills to take. Three blood pressure pills, antidepressant, mood stabilizer, two anti-spasmotics, stomach pill, vitamin D, anti-inflammatory, allergy pill, OCP, and my anti-psychotic pill. This doesn’t include my pain meds or my Ativan. It like taking a meal of meds. When I was in the hospital, it was worse. One of my blood pressure pills they split in half, so instead on one 40 mg pill, I took two 20 mg ones. I would be at the nurses station a good while, taking each pill, two or three at a time. It was maddening. And my mood stabilizer they didn’t have the 600 mg tabs so I again got 2 pills, 300 mg each. I hated taking my meds every night because it took me so damn long to take all the pills. Now, I take just as many but more pill counts. I can’t win and it is depressing me. I remember before CES, I was just taking one or two pills a day for my mental illness. Either I was taking an antidepressant and my antipsychotic or I was just taking the antidepressant. After CES, I remember taking up to 20 tablets a day!! It was ridiculous. That was because I was taking my pain medication like four times a day plus my anti-inflammatory pill. Once I found out that they had an extended release pill, I got on that. I love this pill because it helps with my arthritic pain and usually my back. I think it has lost its effectiveness on me because I don’t get the relief I once did. I think if it continues, I might have the physiatrist switch me to another one and see how that works. I will still be taking a pill, but at least it might work better in relieving my pain. I was reluctant to do this back in October when I first met the guy, but since having this new onset of back pain, I am will to try something else, it would help me.

Ankle has now started hurting and I have not even put ANY type of pressure on it. I didn’t stand on it. I just sat up in bed. The stupid mysterious pain that I get every single time I wake up in the morning. ARGH!! Right now, my ankle pain doesn’t hurt as much as my back hip pain. I really am having terrible thoughts of hurting myself with all this pain. I just want it to end but I don’t think it will. I am losing help that this temporary pain is going to last. But I will say that as long as I can wipe my butt, I am happy. It’s when I can’t do that, I get worried that something more serious is going on. But like I have said before, the pain isn’t radiating down any of my legs or into my butt. I don’t have any problems with my bowels or bladder that are worse than my usual. I don’t have any new numbness or tingling in any of my lower extremities or genitals. I have nothing that would suggest that this is a disc problem, though it very well could be, but it is highly unlikely. I always am on the lookout for CES symptoms whenever I get back pain and it doesn’t go away. I am always worried that I will get acute CES again whenever my back flares up. For more information about this, check out my CES 101 page at the top.

I really wish I had a therapy appointment with my therapist today. I really could use the extra support in dealing with my father and this fucking pain. It is draining me so much. Not only am I waking up early in the morning, but once I am up, I usually am up. I don’t usually go back to sleep until later in the morning but I can’t today because I have to deal with my father. Least I don’t have to take a shower this morning because I took one last night before turning in. I was pretty exhausted. I had pork and my GI system doesn’t seem to tolerate the meat anymore. It just went right through me. Thankfully, I didn’t have any accidents. I took some Immodium to ease the gas and stop the runs. I really didn’t want to spend the night on the toilet.