Tag: writing

pain and sleep ramble

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Got things done today

Last night I started the process of changing the bedding and sheets on my bed. See, half of my bed I use as my “office”. It has books, journals, my laptop and a couple of other items. So clearing it off was the real problem to changing the linen. Once I did that, I got the comforter off the bed and washed it. I knew it would take a couple cycles to dry in the dryer. I already had a set of clean sheets. Trouble was that today after I took my shower, I didn’t want to do anything. I had a rough night sleeping and thought a shower would wake me up. It had the opposite affect. But once the comforter was drying, I knew I had to change the sheets. I forced myself to do it and it went quicker than I thought it would. Usually I only have one clean set of sheets because I always put the clean sheets somewhere and forget where I put them. But the last time I washed my sheets I put them in my bureau where it wouldn’t get lost and hopefully the clean smell would stay on it. Score for me.

This is hard because it always hurts my back when I do change the sheets. It would be easy if I didn’t keep my bed as an “office” but it is easier to work from my bed than from a desk. I know sleep docs would have a fit if they knew. But I won’t see them as I know my problem with sleeping comes from my mood disorder than any other cause. Last night, I slept a few hours and was up at 0230. I wrote a nice blog, something about demons and that is all that I remember of it. I was in a lot of pain when I wrote it and also was a little drugged up with my pain meds. But I had to write. It was the only way I would get back to sleep. Around 7ish, I was finally ready to call it a night. I wish my sleep schedule would be normal but when I am in pain, all bets are off. And I was in so much pain last night it woke me up. Then I started getting cramps in my neck that just wouldn’t allow me to go back to sleep. It was a really bad night. Probably the worse since being home from the hospital. And I was so angry at my treaters. Angry that they had kept me alive. Angry that I was in so much pain and couldn’t sleep. Angry that I couldn’t vent with someone because it was 3 in the morning. I was so WTF at everything.

I am to have a lunch date with my aunt this week. But I don’t think it is going to happen because I have my appointment with my PCP this week. It’s an appointment I am not looking forward to. My blood pressure is still borderline high to high at times. It seems to be worse in the evening. I don’t know why. I will mention that to him as well. He isn’t going to be happy with me because I gained a few pounds while in the hospital. I have been trying to work it off but it’s been so difficult as all I want to do lately is sleep because my nighttime sleep schedule is so fucked up. Maybe I will go for a walk tonight. It can’t hurt. Well, I suppose it can. I just never know what will jack my pain up. Sometimes it is over activities. Sometimes its doing NOTHING but resting. I just don’t get it. I know that if I go up and down the stairs more than a few times, I will hurt. My ankle just doesn’t like the normal flexion it is supposed to have. But I really have no idea why I woke up in excruciating pain last night. I am so baffled. I know part of it is because I was sleeping on my left side (I usually sleep on my right). But I was in a deep sleep and for me to be woken up in severe pain, I just don’t get it. I wish I could talk to some doctor about it to help me figure it out. My PCP is useless when it comes to trying to figure out my pain. But then, he is not a pain specialist. And the pain specialists don’t have any answers for me either. So I am stuck with figuring it out on my own. I need to become a pain expert and study pain but the brain is so damn complicated. I am lucky if I remember the structures of the brain. I can’t even remember the amygdala from the gyrus. It has been too long since I looked at it and its pathways. My memory is not the same as it once was. I used to have photogenic memory. Now, I am lucky to remember things such as when I had lunch or breakfast.

Sunday Blog 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, chronic physical pain, depression

Sunday Blog

Yesterday, I spent most of the day sleeping. I woke up in the wee hours of the morning and couldn’t go back to sleep till 4 or 5 am. I was tired most of the day.

I currently am reading a book on Bipolar disorder. It is the first edition of the book and now there is a 3rd edition. I plan on getting it this week. I like to know why there are different classifications of bipolar disorder as I know the DSM V (the psychiatrist’s bible to diagnosis) has changed the criteria for the disorder. I think the main reason I don’t have bipolar II is because I never had a full blown manic episode. I wouldn’t want on anyways. From what I have been reading, it sounds like nothing but trouble. I am glad that I am on a mood stabilizer that doesn’t allow mood swings like I was having.

I got my menses and I am not happy about it. I have to take a shower today to get rid of the filth. I hate it really bad but my mood hasn’t gone south on me so that is good. I did have a Mr. Hyde experience while I was up. Actually, I don’t know if I did or not because I just wrote down lyrics to 3 Doors Down away from the sun. The lyrics caused some worry for my friends. I guess I should have stated that these were lyrics but I let it go. Oh well. If people don’t know the song, not my fault.

I took my morning meds and some pain meds today. I really just want to sleep today as I had a bad night sleeping with weird dreams. I dreamt that I was back in the hospital and no one was doing checks. Then my mother came to visit along with Tim Mcgraw. Weird.

I am going to order groceries this month. I really need to have my stuff but I know that I can’t physically go to the store and get what I need. It will just cause my leg to become upset with me. I have a partial list going so I just have to add a few things and I am done. I am NOT going to pick an early time like I did the last time. I will pick an afternoon time because that is what I want to do. I love online ordering.

I am trying to get ahead in my Facebook game but I don’t think I can do it. It is a little overwhelming because I have three pages of missions to do. And of course I need the help of my neighbor to complete them, but they are doing the newer mission so it’s hard to complete the older ones. I have to use my other FB accounts to get ahead.

I am feeling okay despite a dip in my mood yesterday. I still am exhausted from doing nothing. I just made my breakfast, nothing to strenuous, just a couple of hard boiled eggs with some toast. Now I need a nap. I hate when my energy is low. I still have to change my sheets that I have been meaning to change for a month now. That totally zaps my energy. But it needs to be done so I plan on doing a little bit at a time cleaning off the rest of the stuff on my bed so I can take the bedding off. It’s such a chore because it hurts my back when I am struggling to get the sheets on the bed. I have no problem getting them off, just getting them off. But I know once I do it, I will feel accomplished.

Perfectly made coffee, AHHHH

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders

Perfectly made coffee

Today I am at Starbucks again. I am only out of the house because I have an appt with my pdoc. Tomorrow I get to rest, if I am able to. I just plan on staying in and playing my game, to try and catch up on the missions. This is the third day in a row that I have been out of the house. And I am glad because the new guy at Starbucks made my coffee perfectly. I am in coffee heaven. Today’s coffee is from Hawaii called Ka’u. It’s delicious. And reading the cup, I realized why I didn’t get a half cup of it. I goofed and ordered a tall instead of a grande. OOPS. I still was able to make it a venti by putting cream in it. And a lot of ice.

I have been taking my blood pressure since I am on a new medication for that. And I still have high blood pressure. I am not sure what my PCP is going to do other than tell me to restrict salt and lose weight. The weight part is a given and unfortunately, while I was in the hospital, I gained a few pounds. Boredom will do that to anyone, especially when there is food around. My favorite thing to make was graham cracker cereal. I just broke up some graham crackers and poured milk on them. It was good. I plan on buying some crackers next week and making it at home.

I am nervous about meeting him though. I know I will have to tell him I just got discharged from the hospital, hence why I was on the BP med. I am just afraid that he will be giving me a two week supply of my pain meds to “test” me. That is, making sure that I am not going to overdose on them. He still doesn’t get that I don’t want to go out that way. I have more creative ways to die. I doubt I will be able to lose the pounds I gained in a week, unless I starve myself, which I don’t think is a good idea. I can cut down on my eating but then I get really hungry and if I go to sleep, I dream about food. Trouble is my mother hasn’t gone shopping because one of the main chains we go to is on strike. It’s so stupid. Two brothers are battling over the store chain. One brother fired the other, the good one, and thus, the strike ensued. The other grocery stores are too expensive for my mother (me too, but I shop there for convenience).

I finally solved the mystery of how people have been getting my blog email. I have it in one of my blog comments. Doh. It was curious because I have not given out my blog email to ANYONE so when I started getting a few emails, I was suspicious. But I totally forgot I had left my email in one of my blog comments for attempt survivors to contact me if they needed to talk. Now I got to figure out which blog it is so I can edit it so I don’t get spam.

I haven’t told my writing partner that I am planning on writing a coping book for attempt survivors. I think it will be a good use of my time. Though I have no idea how to write this thing. I am going to have to ask her for some help. I will have to bullet point some of it and I am not sure how the format is going to be once I do. I had problems with this with italics for my book.

I also have begun the process of editing a few of my blogs for my next book. It is a laborious task. I just edited one blog and though I was expecting it to be longer, it only took me a few minutes. 700 words are not that difficult to edit. I don’t have my list with me to edit the others. But I know I have to make this blog longer. I might add the pink pill part 2 blog to it so that it is one blog, or at least one story. If I had a brain today, I would have brought with me the legal pad that has the “Brick Wall” that I wrote while I was in the hospital. I could have typed that up while I am waiting for time to pass. I am such a shithead. Oh well, something to do when I get home today. I am including that story in the new book.

I just finished reading another CES (cauda equina syndrome) story in my CESSG mail. It is so sad that doctors don’t recognize the symptoms of CES right away. This poor guy waited a month before being seen by a neuro surgeon. Now he has permanent nerve damage. I feel horrified every time I hear a story like this.

Meeting with my pdoc went well. I was also nervous about it, which I am sure didn’t help my blood pressure. We talked about all that went on in the hospital. Told her about the anxiety attack that lead to a new bp med. I just took my bp and it is still high. I am worrying about this and I know I shouldn’t because it doesn’t help but I am. I told her how the case manager wanted me to stop my suicide research and stuff and my psychiatrist just shook her head. She knows how much the research means to me. It doesn’t trigger me like the CM thinks. I just want to die to end my pain and suffering, something that no one seems to understand other than my therapist and psychiatrist. I was asked point blank why I wanted to kill myself by this moron (CM). She just couldn’t understand why I wanted to end my life and I just shook my head like really? The past few weeks you have no clue? Everything that could possibly happen to me, happened to me while I was in the hospital. If I wasn’t in the hospital when it happened, I know I would have tried to kill myself. It’s just stupid and the hardest part was that I couldn’t educate these people in treating suicidal patients. They had their own ideas on how best to go about it (all wrong in my opinion as the re-admits will show). I really hope that I don’t get admitted again there. I really hated it because nothing was done to address my issues. They just were put aside every day and nothing was really done to actually help me deal or cope. That was left to the group leader or to the staff. It’s just mind boggling to me. The one place that you are supposed to get help, you don’t get it. Or you just get spurts of it. Just ridiculous!

Starbucks and Drink Made Wrong

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Starbucks and Drink Made Wrong

After I had breakfast this morning, I really wanted to go back to sleep. But instead, I forced myself to catch the next bus and headed to my second home, Starbucks. I ordered my drink to the new guy, which was the same person I had yesterday, a Hazelnut latte with mocha drizzle. Instead I got a hazelnut mocha latte. I just shook my head and drank the drink, which was way too sweet for me. If I do order such a drink, I usually ask for 2 pumps of mocha and 2 of hazelnut to try and cut down on the sugar. I didn’t throw a tizzy like I wanted to. I was already in a sour mood because I read a comment on one of my friend’s posts about anxiety. According to my friend’s friend, “Jesus commands us not to worry or have anxiety”. As someone who suffers from occasional anxiety attacks, I found this preposterous. I was very upset about it and wanted to say something but just continued to scroll through my Facebook feed. I can’t believe such ignorance exists in this day and age.

So that put me in a bad mood already. Then my mother called asking if I had any money, which I guess she wanted me to buy her eggs or something on the way home. I told her I was el broko until next week. I came home and thankfully she didn’t ask me to go back out again. My ankle is hurting despite taking a pain med before leaving the house for my second home.

I wrote in my journal most of the time while at Starbucks. I still am irate at the care that I received at the hospital. I see my psychopharm tomorrow and I am kind of nervous about seeing her. It will be the first time seeing her in almost a month. I wish I could say that I am a changed person, but I still feel the same, minus the heavy depression and suicidality. My mood has lessened to the point where I can function again. I have my interests back. Though I am kind of pissed I have an extra page worth of missions in my game that I play on Facebook. In some respects, I am better, but I can’t say it was because of the care I received. I am not saying I was treated poorly. I just wish that some of my issues were dealt with rather than being put off till tomorrow and not talking about it. I pretty much felt that I was just being babysat and checked on every 15 minutes, 24/7 the whole time I was there. I got more help with the contact person than I did with my case manager and attending psychiatrist. I was lucky though. I was half expecting a psychotic break as what usually happens after a deep depression passes. But I guess the hypomania took care of that. I do take an antipsychotic, so I am guessing that prevented the break.

I didn’t make too many contacts with the other patients on the floor. I did connect with one patient and we text one another. I haven’t heard from her today but she is getting discharged today. I might text her later today to see how she is doing. But if the relationship doesn’t continue, I can understand. I have had many experiences with friendships that form in the unit that don’t continue past discharge.

Next week I will be sending off my books to the AAS for review. I am kind of nervous about it. My book is very personal and intimate and powerful. I wrote about my deep emotions and all that goes into being suicidal. The fear of this being criticize is what keeps holding me back from sending it. But I know that if I don’t send it, I will never know how a professional will view my book. It is important that I put my book out there to a professional organization yet I know the downfall of it. My biggest fear is that the books will be sent back with a rejection. But I never will know unless I try, right?

I still need to email the editor of the AAS blog and see when my piece is going to get posted. It has been months and I still have not seen it posted. I know there are many stories to be told, and the blog is only published weekly, but I still think my piece on chronic pain and suicidal thinking should be posted. It is an important topic that often gets ignored.