Tag: writing

how I manage being suicidal

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

It’s well past 2 in the morning. This may well be a Mr. Hyde blog as I am very tired but feel the need to write. Mr. Hyde likes to write things, very bad things and depressing things at this hour so this is a warning that this might be a suicidal blog.

I have been up the last few hours battling pain. My foot exploded around 11 pm (2300) and has now settled down some after putting on some gel and taking my pain meds. But then I got sick, I felt like I had to go throw up. So I laid down only it made it worse with reflux.

I wrote my psychiatrist a letter that I am hopelessly depressed and why bother with treatment of any kind as it is not helping me. I tried to get out of therapy with my therapist for today’s session and failed. I just don’t see the point. I am deeply depressed and if I could I would do something to end my life but I have no idea what I would do. Sure I have pills, but that might just make me sick and I hate to clean up vomit, if I survived. My luck, I probably will. I hate being in pain and can’t sleep. It drives me absolutely nuts.

A fellow blogger is battling her demons too. Her psych team wants to hospitalize her because she is suicidal. I suggested an alternative, the SSF to help deal with suicidal thoughts and to come up with a treatment plan. I told her to get the Managing suicidal risk book. It is a good book, if you are trying to manage suicidality. I don’t know what I did with my copy of the book. I know it is somewhere in my room or in my office. I can never find it when I need it. I have the SSF (suicide status forms) all over the place but not the actual book. And, no, because of copyright rules, I cannot post the forms as much as I would absolutely love to. There is one online, used, but helpful just to give you an idea of what they look like. I think I might ask my therapist to use it tomorrow. Or use Holden’s psychache scale. And again, as much as I would love to post it, I cannot because of copyright rules. I just am so hopeless. Everything is dark and gray, and I don’t mean the weather. I feel like I have no future, no purpose in life. Sure I published a book and that is a huge accomplishment. But why am I being “punished” with this depression?? What have I done that is so wrong? I hate my life.

My ex blocked me on Facebook today. I am actually glad because I was getting uncomfortable with the questions she was asking. She wanted to get back together. That is not going to happen. I guess me telling her I just wanted an online relationship pissed her off. Oh well. First time I have been blocked by someone. But this is kind of good because I don’t need her drama in my life. Yes, it bothers me but only because I thought this time we could just be friends and I have no idea what set her off and I will never know. Oh well.

Tonight was the first time all week that I took all my meds that I was supposed to take. I think that is why my stomach is bothering me. I usually have something to eat when I take them but tonight, I didn’t eat anything. I just am not hungry. And feeling sick to your stomach doesn’t make you want to eat anything. And oh joy, I think I may have a UTI. I have been leaking the past few days, more so than usual. Oh the joys of CES. That has me down too, because who likes to piss their pants? I am so tired of dealing with wet underwear. And having to take a shower every time I leak. It sucks because I hate showering. I had a good shower tonight. The water was nice and hot and it relaxed me. It was the first time in a while I felt that way. But I couldn’t stay too long because I knew my foot would act up and it did. Damn foot! Always ruins things. But I did a lot of stairs today and walking so it is my fault it flared up. I wish I could chop it off. Least with the ghost pain, it will be a real reason why it hurts. I don’t have a clear reason why my ankle/foot hurts. They think it is tendonitis. I think it is just nerve damage and over usage from fatigue. My foot gets tired and then it needs to rest but I don’t know it so I keep using it and then it flares up on me late at night. I then write blogs like this because I have nothing better to do and I can’t sleep anyways. I wish I was dead than deal with this pain every night. My heart is so heavy with heartache. I really don’t know why I keep going on. But tomorrow I will call my PCP and hopefully not talk to the stupid nurse about my UTI symptoms because other than leaking, I have no burning or pain. I don’t feel it because of nerve damage down there. I just have had bladder spasms. But those have subsided. But now my urine reeks so I know something is going on. Fucking CES always has to throw a wrench in the works. Can’t always be a simple case. I still will need to give a urine sample and I hope I will be able to. That is always the tricky part. I have to make sure I drink a lot before the appointment. Otherwise, I might not go when they give me the cup to pee. Oh the joys of retention! I no longer get the signal to my brain when I am full. Usually, I have to start leaking and then the signal goes to my brain that I am full. Fucking CES. Wrecks your life forever. And people don’t get it when you tell them. I was telling my cousin tonight the story about how I got CEs and the surgeries I went through. He still didn’t get it. But oh well. Not his life to live.

stupidly depressed

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Despite feeling like shit, I forced myself to go out with friends tonight. It was good but now I am very exhausted and not looking forward to tomorrow’s appointment with dear old dad. If I liked his doc, maybe it wouldn’t be so bad, but I just don’t like him. He rushes through everything and doesn’t leave you time to ask questions about things.

I know the depression is getting worse. Today I was writing with the same pen I always use and it felt heavy. Like suddenly it gained twenty pounds and I couldn’t hold it in my hand. It was so hard to grasp. It almost made me cry but I was in a very public place so I sucked it up. I really NEVER felt like that before. How can a pen suddenly feel heavy? Easy when you have a depression that makes you exhausted. I feel like emailing my psychiatrist but what is she going to do? I will page her tomorrow, or try to. I think I need to be back on an anti-depressant. Maybe remeron or something. Just to get me over this hump that I am in. Maybe it will help decrease the constant suicidal press that I feel.

I emailed my writing friend for some spiritual help with my dad. I am not a praying person but she is so I asked her if she would say a prayer for him. I know he will never be 100% again but if his swelling goes down, I will be grateful. I know one prayer might not work but at least if I have some one that cares about him, maybe it will work. If that is how things go. It’s hard for me to pray because I never go to church anymore, unless it is a wedding or a funeral. And the last time I was there, for my aunt who passed, I was too overcome with emotion to really pray for anybody.

I don’t know how I seemed to have “slipped” into this depression. I could blame the Sox as they have sucked most of the season already but that is too easy. I just feel really down and I don’t care about a lot of stuff that I used to. I have a lot of things weighing on my mind, mostly financial things and how to afford my medication this month. I still have a month before I am on state care. But I haven’t even applied yet. I have been too lazy to think about it and it bothers me that I “forget” because this is so important.

I feel so bogged down in things. I don’t shower regularly. I don’t brush my teeth regularly. I don’t leave my room unless the house is on fire. I must stay in my room 20 hours a day, some for sleeping, most for doing stuff on the laptop or reading a book or writing. But none of that stuff interests me anymore. I have a new journal that I want to start writing in but I haven’t. I started a new book but I am getting frustrated with it because it keeps going back and forth with time. First it is in the 1840s then it’s 1860 and then back to the 40s. WTH. Move forward or don’t move at all. I know somewhere in there Abraham Lincoln becomes nominated for president, but they haven’t mentioned this at all and that is frustrating me! So I think I need to read another book. But what? I also need to write in my co-authored book but I have no mind for that while I am in this depression. I can barely keep up with my blogs. It is just that everything is overwhelming me. I just don’t know what to do anymore, what to do with myself anymore. I used to have a routine. I would have therapy and then I would shower and get dressed and then go to Starbucks for my coffee. Or I would just get dressed and head to Starbucks. Now I don’t even do that anymore. I shower just twice a week, if that. And that is, if I feel like it. Most times I don’t, so I procrastinate another damn day. Then I stink more.

And I don’t know what is going on with my bladder. I think I have an infection and I should get checked out but I just can’t be bothered. Every time I want to call the doc, it’s after 5. Or it’s the weekend. I wish they could just call in a prescription over the phone so I don’t have to be seen but of course you have to pee in a cup to see if you do have an infection. Maybe that is driving me a little whacky. And the fact that it has been three days already and I still have not called in my refill for my blood pressure pill. More pressure for me to call because I am almost out of my meds. But I forget. I get distracted too easily. I really was going to call today but I was too lazy to look up the phone number of the pharmacy on the bottle. Yes, I was on the computer and could have googled the number. Why didn’t I think of that before?? I am stupid. Stupidly depressed. This is what depression is like. All your worries you think of but you are too strangled to make the phone calls you need to make or go to the stupid UPS store and get forms filled out so you don’t have to worry about your student loans anymore. But no, you just walk by the store, “forgetting” until you are at home again. Gosh I am such an idiot. I really need to buy a printer. I am going to save up for one. I don’t know how, but that is what I am going to do, if I remember to do it…

That’s what I do best

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

As I am nearing my 700th blog mark, I am trying to think of something poignant to write. I still have a few days to really think about this.

I woke up really hungry this morning so made myself some pancakes. I don’t know what I did wrong, but they didn’t come out right. I think next time, I am going to omit the baking soda and see how they come out.

I cannot wait for tomorrow so I can order my books. I am still trying to finagle how to save money so I can ship them out. Right now I think I am just going to ship out the overseas as that will be the most expensive. I then ship out the domestic next month. I am really excited and hope that I don’t screw up my signature. I haven’t really been practicing. LOL. I just am really excited to ship out my book to Switzerland. I just hope I filled out the customs form correctly.

I finally made it out. I went to Walgreens and surprisingly, I paid less than one dollar. This was due to their rewards program. This is the second time that I have paid less than a dollar on more than three products. It’s pretty cool.

I am feeling depressed though I have no reason to be. I just don’t feel like doing anything. It’s going to Walgreens was a hassle. Was it a hassle in the sense of going there, but just internally of getting dressed, picking out shoes, and a hat. I just grabbed the first hat that was available to me and went out.

I told my therapist today that I felt like committing suicide. She couldn’t believe it. She was excited about my book and she can’t wait until I have it signed for her. I am hoping to borrow my sister’s car tomorrow but I don’t know how likely that is. It’s school vacation week and I don’t know if my sister is off of work but not. I don’t know why I feel so low. I know it’s mostly because I don’t have anything to occupy my thoughts. I don’t have any writing projects that I’m actively pursuing, nor do my games keep me occupied. She suggested I just go out and just sit at Starbucks to just write. But it’s hard to be in a coffee place, with no coffee. My funds for coffee have been depleted. So now I just have to make coffee at home and that is boring.

I am listening to Pearl Jam. I really like them when I am in a dark mood. It helps to ease my anxiety and make my mood less dark. I don’t know why I keep track of my word count. But I do. It kind of kills me because at one point I was able to write 1,000 word blogs and now I can barely write 500. Even my blog is becoming a hassle. Maybe I should be in the hospital to get a break from my life. I am suicidal enough. But I just feel like it will be a let down, that I won’t really get the care I need. I am not that bad, I don’t think. I know I took one too many pills last week but those feelings haven’t dissipated. I feel like such a failure and I don’t know why. My therapist was so excited to get my book. She couldn’t put it down. But I doubt she has read the full chapter. I think the hardest thing for me right now is that I have nothing to do and I don’t know what to do so I think about killing myself. Because that’s what I do best.

a writing ramble

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, suicide, transgender

A fellow blogger wrote a blog today about “why write depression every day”. It got me thinking about why I blog every day. Most of my post have to do with depression or pain or some combo of the two. It’s very rare that I don’t write about my feelings of the day, unless I am on a specific topic.

I write every day because it makes me feel better. Blogging is the one tool that I use to express myself. Sometimes it is received favorably, other times, not so much. But I don’t care that much for the likes or comments anymore. I just write anyway. It takes me out of the dark hole that I am in and brings me closer to the light. Writing has helped me deal with the darkness more than therapy has in the last ten years. I like that I can write and express what I feel, no matter how dark, and I find that I am not the only one. Others have feelings like I do about being depressed and suicidal.

Last night, I was talking with some people on the SPSM chat on twitter. It was very interesting. I would love to have Jobes on twitter but I don’t think he will ever be for it. The talk was how to get more therapists in to social media. And that is a tough thing to do. Hell, I have a therapist that is against email so how am I going to get her to twitter? Probably not. There was no specific topic about suicide just about how to spread social media out to mental health professionals. It was an interesting discussion.

The one topic that I am hoping to get around to one of these days, is transgender and suicide. I think it is a hot topic that needs to be addressed by professionals and is just getting ignored. All my therapy always focused on my abuse history but if they saw me, they would have known that I am gay and that I was hurting because of it. Asking questions, in the right way, to a transgender person can be life saving. I wish someone had asked me rather than me coming to the realization 30 years later. I could have had treatment a lot sooner and I could have been happier. Now I am stuck in a body I hate and that I still want to kill. It just isn’t right. Even though my psychiatrist has known me since I was 17, she still thinks of me as a “her”. I almost died when she called me a “girl” at our last appointment. I don’t know if she is baiting me to correct her or she just is ignorant. I have been thinking of writing her an email about it but I don’t think that will solve the problem. I think I am always going to be a “female” in her eyes.