Tag: writing

Aggravated

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

Aggravated

Last night I heard the beep-bloop of the TiVo indicating to me that my show was being canceled. I thought it was a mistake because I know my mother wouldn’t cancel one of my shows. She usually goes to bed around eight and the show was recording at eight. Found out today that she did fucking cancel the recording and my Bones episode didn’t get recorded. I am beyond pissed. After dealing with my mother yesterday morning, her waking me up from a sound sleep, she had the audacity to tell me today that I am sleeping too much. WTF. I can’t take living with my mother anymore. She is driving me nuts with the TV being loud. I cannot believe she told me that. SHE has no idea what my sleep has been like lately. And I got practically no sleep the night before so of course I slept most of the day yesterday. It just pisses me off to no end because she is just a bitch. She doesn’t think she is one but she is. And she is so inconsiderate. Like when she says jump I am supposed to say how high. Fuck that. She asks me to do anything, it’s not happening. My monthly payment to her is going to be lower this month because fuck her. I pay the cable bill. I am behind on it anyway so I can justify not paying her half my check.

I was in therapy today and we talked about my writing. She wants me to continue writing my connection piece and she thinks my “write the pain” blog should be included in the book. UM, I don’t think so. The book has nothing to do with pain. Sometimes my therapist is a loony tune. I swear we spent the majority of the session on my writing and my book. Still no word from the editor on when she will be working on it. I swear when she tells me she is, I am going to be popping Ativan every hour. I am going to be a wreck. The editor has been having some problems so I think there is going to be more of a delay. But if she doesn’t get back to me by the end of the month, I swear I am going to ask for a refund. I will take my business somewhere else. I can’t be waiting forever.

I went to the post office today and then went to my sub shop for a couple of slices of pizza. Now I am hungry again and I want a burger. Think I will just make a bowl of cereal. I know I am hungry because I didn’t have my usual breakfast of a fried egg and toast. I could make that for my dinner tonight. Trouble is, my ankle is still bothering me so standing for any length of time hurts. I just walked to the sub shop and when I came home I was hurting. I don’t have a car. I wish I did. I would take it to my other sub shop to get my burger. But then I don’t need the headache of car and insurance payments.

I told my therapist today that I hope to see her in person next week. I am planning on taking my sister’s car and making the trek to her office. I hope that I can take my sister’s car that day. I need the car this week to take my father to his fricken blood draw. He doesn’t know this yet but I will call him tomorrow and tell him. I just hope it doesn’t snow that day. It will suck and I hate driving in that muck.

Luna’s Gone

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain

Luna’s Gone

I have had this song stuck in my head for most of the day. It is a song by Mary Chapin Carpenter on her Between here and gone CD. I was listening to this CD the other night. Her music is so soothing to me.

Having a rough day. Had to deal with my mother that woke me from a sound sleep so I could put on compression stockings on her. Not a good thing when you only got crap sleep to begin with. I am still pissed and I think she overrided my Tivo to not record one of my shows. I will be very upset and she will hear about it. I hate when she doesn’t let me record my shows. I pay for the damn cable dammit. But I am so sleep deprived, I don’t want to go downstairs and see if she did or not. I don’t have the energy to explode on her.

I have been in pain most of the day. It has been hard walking around because I am having problems putting weight on my foot. It doesn’t like it. And it is the same pain that I have been experiencing last night. My last three toes on my left foot have just exploded and hurt very badly. My big toes feels like someone is trying to cram it into something or make it shorter than what it is. I just know that I am in mega pain and I am not happy about it. My big toe really feels like some one is trying to snip it off too. I love these weird sensations that I get. Got to love nerve damage, NOT.

I figured out that my foot weakness is part of the problem. If I try and work my ankle/foot into normal moves, it becomes fatigued and then it starts hurting. The longer I try to keep my foot in a certain position, the more fatigued it gets and the more I hurt. I don’t even realize I am doing anything out of the ordinary because don’t all people keep their foot in a flexed position while walking or sitting? I think they do. I can’t seem to keep my feet flat on the ground like you are supposed to, mostly because I am short and the chair makes my foot dangle. Anyways, whenever I try and keep my foot in that upward position, my pain goes through the roof. It is not right away, because what fun would that be. It has to come out right before I want to go to sleep.

Last night I only slept for about 45 minutes to an hour when I had a strange, disturbing dream. I dreamt that someone had left me a comment on my blog telling me to kill myself and how to do it. The weird part of it was that it was in my handwriting. Creepy. And it scared me. I told my therapist about it tonight and she doesn’t know what to make of it. So much for dream analysis. She is getting worried because the dream process was so quick. Normally you need at least ninety minutes to reach REM sleep. I am achieving it in less than that time frame. When I see my psychiatrist next week, I will bring it up. Maybe I need to see a sleep specialist or something. I already have trouble sleeping but it’s not because of insomnia or overthinking. It is because of fricken pain. And this pain is just so bad I really just want to chop my foot off. But I don’t know if the pain is what is causing my sleep to be so disorganized. I really don’t know. Sometimes I can’t sleep because I have to write something. I have to either physically or electronically write something to “calm down”. And then once it is out of my system, I can go to sleep. My sleep pattern has been the same for the past three weeks. I sleep in three to four hour stints. It is rare that I sleep continuously straight for six hours or more. I am hoping I sleep at least six hours tonight as I am really tired.

Guest Blog: Hair Cuts

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt, transgender

thought I would share this guest post. I wrote it 🙂

transgender and exhaustion

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, suicidality, transgender, writing

I thought it would try this out again. I have been having a sucky day. I took a shower today and afterwards, I was exhausted. But I had therapy so I couldn’t take a nap. I slept till about nine after a crappy sleep. I didn’t wake up restful.

In therapy, my therapist read my blog and she was interested in my dreams. I knew this would happen and I didn’t feel like talking about it. So I avoided the subject again. We talked instead of all my dinner with my cousin and the depression that I’ve been feeling. She wanted to know more about my depression symptoms but they seem to have eluded me. It was like they were out of my grasp. It wasn’t like she put me on the spot or something of the sort. I just couldn’t remember what my symptoms were that I had written about in my blog. We talked about my death wishes briefly but that that make me feel any better. In fact, I had totally forgot what I had written about. I knew I had written about my cousin’s dinner, and about my dreams, but I forgot about the death wishes. The death wishes are mean wishing that I was dead and not seeing the future in my life. She asked if I could see anything in my future and I told her no. She brought up my book and that just gave me anxiety. I still haven’t heard from my editor and the longer I don’t hear from her, I feel more anxious.

We also talked about being transgender, which I didn’t like too much. She said that my book would be helpful for those with my issues but I don’t really see that as happening. I see my book as being a flounder. I don’t really think it’s going to sell at all. I think that I have too many issues in my book. When I have a mental illness, I have cauda equina syndrome, and I have the transgender issues. That’s a lot to write in a short book. But then, I have never been one to exaggerate. I don’t believe in hyperbole. I think it’s silly and dangerous. I really don’t know what people are going to think when they actually see me after reading my book. Are they going to think that I’m just a lesbian? Are they going to think that I’m faking it? I can’t hide what I feel. And I know that being in the body of a female is very distressing to me. I try not to show it usually but it’s there most of the time. I am not one to think of other people’s thoughts. Because frankly, I could care less. What other people think of their going to think and I have no control over that.

I have seen my therapist three times this week. It I still feel like I should talk to her one more time. I don’t know why that is. It’s not like I’m in crisis, I guess it’s just because I feel alone. Since having to deal with family issues, I have not had any time for myself. I stayed in my room but it’s not like I’ve gotten anything done. The only things that I have done, are my blogs. I haven’t gone to Starbucks today. I just can’t find the energy to get dressed, to check bus schedules, and then to leave the house. I then have to walk to the bus stop. And that seems like an awful lot of energy for one cup of coffee. I could make it at home but I don’t feel like it in the rush that I get. I just really want to sleep. I father’s doctor will be calling me tonight and I’m really not looking forward to it. It’s not like things will be bad, I know it won’t. But it’s just a hassle of interfering with my rest that is bothering me. I just want to be left alone today and not have anything to do. I would like to finish my book but I don’t think that is in the works. I did however, find the fucking beeping fire alarm finally. It is the one to the entrance of the door and I can’t reach it because a) I am short and b) it’s above stairs. I have to wait until my brother-in-law gets home. So until then, my mother and I have to listen to the beep.