Tag: writing

just so frustrating

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

I just came home from eating dinner at my cousin’s house. We had a good time. I told him about my book but didn’t say anymore about the content of it. He is one of those people that thinks that if you don’t talk about suicide, it doesn’t exist. He doesn’t know about my attempts for this reason. He doesn’t want to hear about it. He rather hear about how crippling my depression is than hear about how suicidal I have been. It is a barrier so we just don’t talk about it.

I also didn’t talk about my being transgender. He made a comment tonight about how I am his favorite girl or something to that effect. I wanted to correct him but then I figured why bother.

I had an extremely long day that was mostly dealing with my family members. I think the only two members of the family I didn’t have to deal with today were my youngest niece and my brother in law, oh and my nephew. So three. I am exhausted just thinking about it. My morning was filled with going up and down stairs. My ankle is thanking me kindly right now with pain. No matter as I am about to take my night meds and go to bed. I am hoping that I will stay asleep till eight but I doubt it. My track record hasn’t been good and I didn’t get a good night sleep last night. I went to bed after two in the morning and then woke up an hour later. Took some Ativan and only slept for two more hours before I said the hell with it and stayed up. I lost track on how many hours I have been up. Plus I am sick so that doesn’t help me much. If I continue this way, I know I am not going to get rid of this cold.

I had therapy today and my therapist was on her high horse, which pissed me off. I warned her that if she didn’t settle down, I was going to hang up on her. The one advantage of phone sessions. I finally told her about what my AAS blog is going to be about. I didn’t tell her at first because I wasn’t sure if I told her what I did and I was afraid that she would be mad at me or get all worried on me. I don’t know when this post is going to be published but when it is, I will reblog it here. I think it is an important post about chronic pain and suicide.

Tonight while I was over my cousin’s, I was thinking of suicide and how I don’t think much about it these days. I guess because my chronic pain is well controlled and I am not hurting too much these days. But the depression. Man, that is a whole other can of worms!! That is making me wish I was dead so bad. I just don’t want to be alive and there is really no one I can talk to about this. I haven’t been able to tell my therapist because we have been dealing with my family issues lately more than my suicidal thinking, or death wishes. They are more like death wishes than actual suicide thoughts. I am not planning my death or anything. I just wish I was dead. I dread waking up most mornings. I have been having bad dreams. So I can’t even have a restful sleep even if I wanted it. It’s so distressing. I haven’t told my therapist about the dreams. She knows I have been having weird dreams but not every night. She doesn’t know that and I am afraid to tell her because I know she wants to talk about it. I would talk about it but I don’t remember the dreams. I remember the people in my dreams but not what they were doing or anything like that. It is so frustrating. And makes me wish I was dead all the more. I just want to escape. I need a place I can go to without judgment and criticism. Away from my family for a little while. I don’t want to go into the hospital because they aren’t going to do much for me and will most likely make my sleep worse. Plus I am not suicidal so it is not like I need to be in the hospital. I just want to die. I feel like the future is closing in on me where it was expanding on me before. Maybe I don’t have a future. I still believe that I am meant to kill myself. But I don’t have the lethality to actually follow through with it. It’s just so frustrating. I can’t live and yet I can’t die. WTF am I supposed to do. Yet I continue to exist. And I don’t like it.

Beeping Alarm

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging

Beeping Alarm,

Since Saturday night, there has been a fire alarm beeping because of low battery. Trouble is there are like 5 in the same location and its not like the alarm is going to give us any hints by raising a hand. The beep is like every half hour to an hour apart so timing it has been difficult. Today I decide the hell with it, I will just change ALL the batteries. Wouldn’t you know it is the fucking one I can’t reach??!! UGH. Now I got to wait for my Bro in Law to get it. #shortpeopleproblems And what pisses me off is that these alarms are electric so why they need a damn battery to begin with is beyond my sense of reasoning. It’s not like when the power goes out there is going to be a fire, unless it’s electrical. Then I am screwed. And I don’t think a battery alarm is going to help me.

I am feeling better though I still have the sniffles. Mood wise I am still feeling blah. I got the courage to IM my editor to find out the time table for her getting my book. She said the middle of March and I am wondering whether that means this week or next. I really just want to know so I can have an ample supply of Ativan on hand. I am going to need it because I am going to be anxious as all hell, more than I am now.

Watched a little of the Sox game tonight. It was good to see the broadcast combo of Jerry and Don. Nice to see the Remdawg (Jerry) back in the booth. He has been missed.

I didn’t go out today except to buy cream for my coffee, only to find out my sister had a carton in her fridge. So if I feel like using my French press again, I am all set as I won’t have to go to her place to make coffee. I might tomorrow as I have been craving a cup of Tribute blend coffee. It is one of my favorite blends Starbucks makes and it only comes out in the Spring. It is so good. I have had a bag in the freezer for a while now. I hope it is still good.

Today is Carrie Underwood’s birthday. I haven’t tweeted her yet, even though I have been on twitter most of the day. She is one of my favorite female artists in country music. She was out before Taylor, I think with the whole Idol thing. Today they played a song from her Carnival Ride album, I told you so. I loved that album. Unfortunately, when I bought it off Walmart (they had the cheapest price for music at the time), I never made a CD of it so lost it due to copyrights/license issues when my computer died. I was so mad. I tried several different ways to get the thing on CD or to rip it and it never worked. I couldn’t even play the files on WMP even though they were WMA files. So I will have to repurchase the album now. And I will make a CD copy of it so I have it!

Stupid alarm is beeping again. Think I will put my headphones on so I don’t hear it anymore!

it’s about suicide not a love story

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

My niece gave me a copy of Office 2013 the other day. It took a couple of hours to download. It was a trial version so I didn’t pirate anything and she is not the type to do such a thing. Anyways, after it downloaded I couldn’t use it anymore because it had passed its user quota. But the damn thing messed up my 2010 settings and it took me awhile to fix. Now all is right with the world.

I had a scary dream last night, or should I say this morning. It had something to do with my nephew and my surviving aunt. I don’t remember more than that but it was like death was looming over them. I hate those kind of dreams.

I tried to sleep most of the day because I am still not feeling well. I hate colds. They just drain the life out of you. And because my voice is affected, I can’t use my Dragon software to type this up. Bummer! I just think it’s cool that I got software that I can hopefully use so I don’t have to type all the time.

I heard back from the editor of the AAS blog. She liked my article and wanted some stats. So I gave her some to put in the blog. Now I hope I don’t have to wait three months for her to publish it, but I understand if there are more pressing articles than mine. I am just happy I am writing again for this blog.

My mood kind of sucks right now. I don’t know how much of it is because of this cold or if it is just the depression. I just want to sleep and losing an hour last night didn’t help. I woke up around midnight and didn’t go back to sleep till 0430 only to wake up around 0830. I fell back to sleep around 10ish and then woke up around 2. I was hungry so made something to eat. Now I just want to go back to sleep. I have an 1130 appointment tomorrow with my therapist. That is going to be fun as usually I am not really awake at that hour. I am always waking up before seven. But I don’t usually have the energy to do things. Sure I am sick and that might be the reason why I feel so lousy. I just can’t help but think that it is more that my depression is getting worse instead of better like I thought it was. I still have no interest in things. I really am behind on my reading. I haven’t touched Far From the Tree in weeks. Only book that I picked up was The Savage God. I still remember reading one of the reviews for it and she said that it was a depressing book. Well, duh. It’s on suicide not a love story!

I just recently bought another new book called Super Brain. It’s by Deepra Chopka and Rudy Tanzi. I am a follower of Tanzi on twitter and he keeps quoting from the book so I had to get it. I loved his first book on Alzheimer’s. He has been in the neuroscience field for quite sometime now and I have been following his career since his first book. Granted I have been lax in it for the past couple of years, only because I no longer have access to research search engines like pubmed and psychlit. One of the perks that I had when I had my job at the hospital where he also worked. I would so love to have access to the research database again. I really miss following Jobes, too. But if I get my butt back to school, I will have access to all of that and more.

Course my pattern has been to buy books or receive them and have them collect dust for a while before I pick them up. I have about eight books now that are just waiting to be read. And I don’t have the inclination to read them. It sucks when my depression takes my reading away from me. Not only is it hard to concentrate but I lose interest in what I am reading more often than not. Or lately, I just want to finish the chapter and move on to something else but I can’t seem to read fast enough to do so. It’s like everything is so slow. My thought process is so slow. And it really hurts, not in the physical sense, but in the psychic sense. It’s already March and I have yet to finish one book I started last year. I usually read at least three books at a time. Now I am lucky if I read one. It’s not like I don’t have the time, I do. It’s just I don’t have an interest and it bothers me because I love reading. I am going to try and read something tonight, before I go to bed.

Ring on my finger

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, suicide attempt survivor

Listening to Bryan Adams today. Just love listening to his voice. I realized that my country music has failed me as there are no songs that are pulling at my heart strings lately. Sure there are songs that I like but nothing that helps me deal with the pain of what I have been going through lately. So I have turned to alternative music for now and found the Mumford and Sons, Imagine Dragons, and some other group that I don’t know yet the name of as I was listening to the radio. I like listening to songs that make you feel something. Sure my country music puts me in a good mood and I like that but I am not always in a good mood all the time.

Was talking earlier with a blogger friend. She would like me to guest blog on her blog. I won’t disclose the topic because I haven’t written it yet. I hope to work on it later today once I get some ideas on it. I am honored that she wants me to do this. I hope what I write will be good!

We talked about my editor and the book. She read the book of course and had some good suggestions for it, though I really like the way the book is haphazard. She wanted me to be more linear and frankly, I don’t like being linear. Which is ok because she liked the book anyway. I just hope that it’s good enough to sell or at least have a few sales anyway. I have the opportunity to have my book presented at the AAS conference, if I get this thing published on time. AAS is the American Association of Suicidology where I sometimes blog. I am part of the founding members of their suicide attempt survivors blog. I have a piece that I wrote that I am waiting to hear back on.

Lately I have been feeling out of sorts and I don’t mean this cold that I got. In Jan of 2013, I got myself refitted for my claddaugh ring. It was a writing reward to myself and all the hard work that I had done with my writing partner, starting this blog, and working with the AAS to help finagle the inner workings of their blog. It’s been more than a year and for that year I never took the ring off my finger. Now I find that I am leaving the ring off more and more. Granted part of the reason is that because of arthritis, my hand swells, making the ring uncomfortable. My weight has been stable so I know it is not because of gaining. But now I find myself losing interest in it like I have so many things lately. Today I looked at my hand and realized I wasn’t wearing it and almost panicked because I couldn’t remember the last time I did wear it. It is more than just a piece of jewelry to me. It is a piece of accomplishment and I feel like it is slipping off my finger, so to speak. All that I have worked for this past year just feels like it was all for nothing and I don’t know why I feel this way. I don’t know if it is because of the depression that I am under or if I am truly just a nothing, a nobody. I just feel lost again and am wondering if I will be found. Sure my blog is doing well. I watch the stats closely because I am a geek. Could it be better, probably. But that doesn’t change the way I feel about the ring on my finger that once meant something to me. Most days I don’t wear it. It fits, sometimes a little snuggly, sometimes a little loosely. Other times it is a tight fit. Guess you can say it all depends on my hand’s mood. When I do wear it, I hardly notice it. It has now become a part of me, a part that I am losing. And I am not sure I can get it back.

I know most of the feelings of being a nothing and a nobody is coming from my father. This week has been difficult because it is an anniversary week. I think this is the first time in 23 years that I have had to deal with my father in the same week. He is a toxic parent and I don’t know how to cope with it, even after all these years.