Tag: writing

Feeling like a lucky SOB

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, depression

Feeling like a lucky SOB

I saw my psychiatrist today. We had a good chat about things. I told her that I got the consent from the two guys that wrote the Building a Therapeutic Alliance book. She was happy and can’t wait to get my autograph when my book comes out. She said she is going to buy it so I can sign it. That kind of sealed how much confidence she has in me and my writing. I told her I hope that my book is as successful as we are thinking it to be. But I keep holding myself in check and tell myself that if I sell 100 copies, I will be happy.

As I was walking to the station, I was thinking about Dr. Michel and realized, I am a lucky SOB to have these wonderful suicidologists from around the world interested in my work and not only that, to wish it success. I really can’t believe it. But I have the emails to prove it. I told my psych today that I think the summary that I wrote to Dr. Michel is going to be the blurb on the back.

Right now my foot is throbbing really bad. It was raining today so the benches that I normally sit on to wait for the bus were nice and wet. I had to stand and walk around a bit while waiting for the bus. To say that I stood too long is an understatement. I had more than a half hour’s time at the Square waiting for the bus and there were no seats available until one of the buses came. My bus didn’t come for another twenty minutes. Plus, when I got there, there was a homeless or other mentally disturbed person laying on the bench and cops were around him. I don’t know what the deal was but they carted him off in an ambulance. Later when I walked over because it was the only space vacant, I saw what the guy did. He burned circles in the wooden bench. Jerk.

I still feel upbeat though not in a euphoric kind of way. Just in a content kind of way. I am hoping to work on my second book today. I really want to get something done while my mood and energy levels permit it. I can’t stand and clean my office. I think I am done going up and down the stairs today, well, only if I don’t have to use the bathroom, then I can stay in my room with my foot up. I was telling my psych about the PTSD I was experiencing after the fall I took and how terrified I was that CES was happening again. I asked if that is ever going away and she said probably not. Great. I guess if I had it the one time, I might have been ok in recovering from it and not have PTSD so bad. But having CES twice and in the same leg really did a number on me mentally. Even as I was talking about it, I was getting all wired up and had to focus to stay grounded. She asked if I was still taking the Ativan and I told her I was. I had to because I am still experiencing side effect from the abilify. I need this med to keep the voices away. And I rather deal with my arms and legs feeling like stretched out elastics than to hear voices and be paranoid and delusional.

I finally got my hair cut today. The stylist didn’t cut my hair the length I wanted. I didn’t realize that until I came home. I am going to need another cut in two weeks time now, rather than four. No matter, I will go to my barber’s shop by then rather than back to Supercuts.

cabin fever musings

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

Today has been a rough day. I have been stuck inside because of the freezing temperatures outside and I just been having cabin fever. I really wanted a latte today but made a hot cocoa instead.

I have been wanting to write all day but nothing has been forming to actually write. It is so frustrating. It’s like the words are there but they just won’t come out. And having no idea what I am writing is not helping. I wanted to write a blog just about Aeschi but I need to get into that kind of mood and I am just not there.

Then I thought I would clear my bureau off with stuff I don’t need anymore but I got overwhelmed and had to stop. Plus I kept finding stuff to play with to distract me from the task so that wasn’t good. Also wanted to clean up my office a little bit but that didn’t happen. I just couldn’t get myself motivated to do it. I just have to pick up my jackets and hang them up in the closet. Not a huge deal. And junk my printers. I have decided that I am just going to throw away the printers that are useless to me. I don’t think I can the HP printer to work anyways and I don’t have the drivers for the other one. I don’t even know if it still works anymore as it hasn’t printed anything in years. I will get myself a good printer soon as I am able to afford it.

I’m feeling so shut in it’s not funny. I am going to go out tomorrow. I will take my Aeschi book and just write something. I also will get my latte that I have been wanting the last few days. I also need to go to a stationary store and get a calendar for the year. I don’t know if that will be tomorrow or not. Depends on what the streets look like. I am not going to risk falling just for a calendar.

My writing partner and I have decided not to work on our book until February. That is fine with me as I have nothing to write about. I haven’t really thought what I am going to write. I know I need to add to the six pages I already wrote but I don’t know if I can add to it. The pages seem more like an introduction type and I don’t want to mess with it.

I requested a song today by my favorite DJ and she never played it. Now I am debating downloading the song because even though I have it (it’s in .WMA format), I can’t convert it to MP3 because of licensing rights. It sucks because the whole album is that way. I should have transferred it to CD when I had the chance. I am excited that my favorite artist, Terri Clark, is coming out with a new album in Feb. And my other favorite artist comes out in two weeks. I already pre-ordered her CD. Hers I have to order a CD because I know the instrumentals are not going to be good for MP3 playing.

I need to get back to my routine of leaving the house every day and getting to Starbucks to write or read or to do something! Even if I spend an hour or two there I think that will be better than spending 24 hours in my house. I will have to get out of my house next Friday because of a doctor’s appointment. But other than that, I don’t have any plans of leaving the house and because of the cold, I have been hibernating more. I know part of it is because I don’t want a flare up of pain. The other part is no motivation or energy to go out. Starbucks has lost its appeal to me. I have drank every drink they have and nothing really sticks. I create my own lattes or just have their Clover coffee. Right now they have a Mexican coffee I have been dying to try. But there is no information about it so I am afraid that it will be too bold. I like coffees that are mild, strong, but mild. And because of the anhedonia, I don’t enjoy anything anymore. I guess that is why I am afraid to try this new coffee. I am afraid it will just taste flat. I will be so disappointed. I am waiting for the anhedonia to lift before trying it. Though it doesn’t see like it is going to lift anytime soon.

Anhedonia and rubbing elbows

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

I had trouble sleeping last night. I woke up from a bad dream at 4 am and took a while to get back to sleep. Then I slept for a few hours before waking up around 8. It’s snowing out so I won’t be going out today or tomorrow as tomorrow is going to freeze. Thing that sucks is that I won’t be seeing my primary as they have closed the office and I won’t be seeing him for another few weeks. This totally sucks. Now I have to wait for my prescription by mail because I couldn’t get it in person. I just hope that I can ration out my remaining pain meds until then.

My ankle is really hurting today and when I lift it up on my toes, my whole leg start jiggling. I know it is a new nerve problem but I want to see what my primary says before I run off to the neurologist. My luck, they will want a demonstration and it won’t happen.

I haven’t made any of the phone calls that I need to today. I am just being lazy. I need to take a shower but my ankle is hurting so I will put that off for today as well. Maybe if the pain meds quiet it down I will take the shower.

I got a good email from my neurologist. I had emailed her one of my blogs and she said that I am an amazing writer. I had to text my therapist that.

Speaking of therapist, I had my session with her today. I am feeling really upbeat today for some reason. But I keep feeling like it is going to end soon so I am trying not to keep my hopes up that this feeling will last. I was very happy to talk to her today. I told her about the author Konrad Michel’s email exchange. She thinks I am rubbing elbows with the suicide people of the world. I told her that is crazy, that I am just emailing him out of courtesy so that in case someone reads my book and they go to him about it, he knows. I don’t want to get sued over it or feel like I am plagiarizing his work. Most of it is in my own words and I did quote what I needed to. I just don’t think one email constitutes knowing a person to rub elbows with them. I also told her about the anhedonia that I have been feeling. Nothing seems to be good as it was with me. Nothing tastes good. I don’t feel pleasure in eating my favorite foods. I have been trying to snap out of it but it is difficult. Even though I felt sort of upbeat today, it kind of wore off and I am back to my normal restrained self. It sucks when you are in this type of depression. I am really surprised I am not thinking about ending my life. I guess I have really turned a corner and don’t go to that place that often anymore.

I just took a picture of the snow outside for a friend that wanted to see how much we got. I think it’s hysterical that some of my friends that live in warmer states like Arizona and California don’t see as much snow as the New England states do.

My eyesight is not getting better. I am hoping to make an appointment with the ophthalmology people soon. My vision keeps going in an out with blurringness. It is really frustrating as I got to really focus my eye to keep them focused on things. It is a pain when I try to read or play on my laptop or even write a blog.

I can’t wait for tomorrow night. The OSU game is playing. I have been looking forward to it. I just hope I can stay up and watch it. I don’t do so well with night games. Maybe I will try and take a nap like I have been trying to the last few hours and I will be rested enough to stay up. But the trick is not to wake up before 9 am. My mother has been waking me up every single morning for the past week and she is always up around 8. And she puts on the tea kettle and doesn’t shut it off right away. Annoys the crap out of me.

Year end Blog

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, mood disorders, psychache

Year end blog

I thought and thought about what I would write today. I guess I should say that I am still here, alive. I can’t say that I am well because I am in pain at the moment. Damn ankle didn’t like me going out today.

I had a good year overall. I got my book done. An email from my idol saying he wishes my book is successful. I turned a corner in my psychache. I no longer feel it as much anymore. Though I still think about killing myself, the thoughts are less. I might have had a rough beginning to 2013 but I made it through even though there were times my life was tested. I don’t know what changed. I really think that my friend in Chicago really snapped me out of the funk that I was in. He is the reason why I am still here. He has a way about him that just makes me see things differently.

I got a ring on my finger that I got the beginning of the year. It was my reward for writing in December of 2012. I am not getting myself anything as expensive this year, not unless you count my editor, LOL. I hope that she does what I am expecting to and my money is well spent.

I don’t have any goals for the New Year. I can’t commit myself to anything because I never think that far ahead. I know there are going to be some changes in the New Year in regards to my insurance and possibly my student loans. I hope that my book is successful and I am able to pay the loans off and start going back to college to earn my degree.

I don’t have plans for the night. My sister is throwing her annual party. I bought some beer to have. I don’t know why I bought a six-pack. I probably will only have one beer and that will be it. I am not a beer drinker, in fact have only had two beers in my life time. But this year, I started wanting one for some strange reason. I find that one is all I need. I bought Sam Adams Winter Lager. I never had a lager before so I am hoping it is good.

I still can’t believe that I am not going bonkers about Konrad Michel writing back to me. Or that my consultant wishes me well with success for my book. I still feel blah and I don’t think that is ever going to change. Sure I might not be suicidal anymore but feeling nothing, no joy or pleasure sucks. Even my annoying game hasn’t been fun anymore. I just keep playing out of habit and the fact that I will get far behind if I don’t keep up with it. I even bought horseshoes and that didn’t get me far, nor did it make me happy. I chocked it up as an entertainment expense but it really is not entertaining me anymore. I hate to think what would happen if I was working. I would get so behind it would be impossible to get caught up. I still have three active pages of missions to do. I don’t know why I am talking about my game. Unless you play it, you have no idea what I am talking about, LOL.

Bottom line is that I am still feeling low. I am forcing myself to go out of the house even though the coffee that I have been drinking doesn’t have the same appeal it once did. I ended up throwing away most of it. I just couldn’t drink it. I miss my Isla Flores and Blue Java. Now they have a Mexican coffee but I have been too afraid of getting it for fear of liking it. They don’t even have my Hawaiian coffee anymore. I should have bought it when I had the chance. So I am just left with getting lattes and mochas. I really want a good cup of hot chocolate but keep forgetting to order it. It sucks that my one joy has now become mute to me. I just go to Starbucks out of habit more than a need to get a cup of Joe. It just breaks up the monotony. I hope that this mood that I am in changes. I really don’t like it.