Month: April 2013

midnight ramblings

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain

Last night I was in pain again though I don’t know why. It’s a late hour so my mood has tanked south. I don’t know what it is about the night that makes all the pain come out but it sucks. Thoughts of death are swarming around my head. I’m listening to The Band Perry’s new CD to try and relax. I haven’t listened to music in a few days. I do tend to feel nervous when I don’t listen on a regular basis.

I tried taking a break from my therapist this week. It didn’t happen the way I wanted it to. Usually I take a break and become more analytical and come up with these great ideas. But this time, it just didn’t happen. I guess being wrapped up in pain left no room for thinking about things. I usually end up writing her these long letters about how I am doing and what I am feeling. I didn’t so much as do that.

I came up with some idea to write about songs that I have a knack connection with but have not started that project yet. I just haven’t decided what songs should go into this. I guess I’ll know when I hear it.

Tonight I have my cousin’s wedding. I know I am going to get asked about my work and I’m going to talk about my disability. It gets old after a while but I can’t help but feel like a loser after I tell my family that I am no longer working and why. It kills me that I am no longer able to function to the point of working. And what is really tough is that I haven’t had surgery in seven years. That was the last time I was in rough shape. People usually think you get better by now. But I am not. Nerve damage takes so long to heal and no one understands that.

Monday I am to see another doctor for the same problem. I don’t know why I am bothering. It’s not like she is going to have any new answers for me other than to lose weight. That is the doctor’s cure all. If you lose weight, you won’t have this problem. Lose weight and you won’t be so depressed. Lose weight and your back will feel better. I wish I dropped a pound every time someone told me to lose weight. I would be skinny in no time. But I seriously doubt that my weight is the ONLY reason I am hurting. Even if I weighed 80 lbs I would still have a bad back and still have nerve damage. Weight cannot change the fact I have had four back surgeries. I have been trying to lose weight for the past three months. It is wicked hard. It takes a lot of work and with the depression it just makes it that much harder. I don’t always stick with it because I get the fuck its. But lately I have been having no appetite so I just been eating cereal as my caloric intake. Also been eating yogurt to try and get my bowels on track but that is the harder road. It sucks eating healthy or at least trying to when junk food is so accessible.

There has been a quote floating around twitter the past few days, that if a crush lasts more than four months, then it probably is love. Then I guess I am in love with my therapist. I have had a crush on her from the very beginning. Another quote fact that has been circulating is that relationships that last longer than seven years tend to last a lifetime. I have found this true with my therapist and psychiatrist. I have known my psychiatrist for nearly half my life and we just past the twenty year mark of working together. I’m screwed.

My left foot is on fire as I am writing this and I’m finding myself feeling empty hearted. Not really downhearted, just feeling empty, like I have nothing inside. And because I feel nothing, I also think I am nothing, that I don’t matter at all to anyone. I’ll just be better off dead.

What would being dead look like? Frankly I don’t know. I’ll be dead. I won’t be in existence anymore. The pain that I feel will cease to be. I will finally be free of pain and misery. Lest I hope I will be. Being free of pain is all that I want. If I didn’t have pain, emotional or physical, I probably would want to live. And I don’t know what that would look like. Probably the same as it does now.

another day of pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome

Usually after a night of pain, I am ok the next day. I usually don’t have pain until later in the evening right before bed. Today was different. I woke up to my foot still hurting so I made some breakfast and took some pain pills and went back to sleep. I have been sleepy all afternoon since waking up at two o’clock. My foot is still hurting, not as bad so took another pain pill. Now I am ready for a nap.

I hate it when I have days like today. It just sucks because I don’t do anything but stay in my pajamas. I wanted to go out today to get my coffee and maybe write in my journal but that didn’t happen. It’s just another day in the house where all I can do is keep my foot up to stop it from hurting. Having a pain syndrome sucks.

I am very tired from the meds and feel a little dizzy, probably because I have not been drinking enough fluids. I could go to sleep right now and I am going to try and resist.

I started reading a new book. It’s about Lincoln’s first 100 days in office. So far, I think the book is badly written as the author has repeated himself a couple of times with in a few pages of each other. I don’t know if I can get through a book like this. Makes me wonder what the hell the editor was thinking or if he or she even read the thing. The book is supposed to be about the first 100 days but yet the author keeps talking about the Emancipation Proclamation, which is not until Lincoln’s second year, which is MORE than 100 days after he is in office. I’m already confused as to what the author is trying to convey.

pain and misery

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain

Eureka? I am in pain and want to do self harm to try and relieve it as no other pain pill does anything to take away or relieve my pain. I am tired of being in pain all the time, so much so I am entertaining thoughts of ending my life or drinking heavily to see if that helps. Crown royal mixed with some narcotics might do the trick in relieving the madness. It might also kill me but that would be a blessing and not a curse. I think I put too much pressure on my toes tonight while watching the baseball game. It’s hard to describe how I did this. I just realized this when my foot exploded. But then there are days when my foot explodes and I do not put pressure on my toes so I am at a loss. There is no rhyme or reason for my pain. It is nerve pain as clear as day, least in my mind. Tendonitis pain would be all the time while walking and going down stairs and such. But instead I have this pain while lying down in bed, while I am trying to go to sleep. It is as if my foot is saying “hello remember me? I am going to hurt you NOW because I CAN and there is nothing you can do to stop the hurting”. If it was my right foot, then I would say that there is a pattern but there is no pattern. There isn’t even a consistency in pain. Some nights I am tortured by burning, other nights I am tortured by vise like grips on my toes. Or like last night, I was tormented by zaps under my toe nail as if someone was trying to rip it off.

So I take my medication and I will be up for the next forty five minutes or so until it kicks in and I can hopefully find some slumber. I hope that I find slumber before I find a razor or get out of bed to get my whiskey. Maybe being drunk is the answer. I know that fresh cuts might help me but I have a wedding to go to this weekend so I don’t want to make a spectacle of my wounds. I have enough scars on my wrist that goes without saying. I just hope that I can stave off the impulses long enough to let the meds kick in and pray that it lessens the pain enough for me to sleep. I hate being like this….

anguish and misery

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt

I have been up since midnight. I don’t know why I woke up other than to use the bathroom. And I got a splitting headache. I have been listening to old music, 3 doors down and Rascal Flatts. I can always go from rock to country all the time. I have been trying to get the old cd of Rascal to MP3 format but I don’t have the software to convert it so I just ordered Roxio.

I had a goofy day. After I got off the phone with my therapist, I took some Neurontin to zone out. I really didn’t until about six in the evening, six hours after I took a big dose. I needed to take away the burning pain and the zaps in my foot. Now I am awake and I got to be up at eight. It’s two o’clock in the morning and I am wide awake. I took an Ativan to get back to sleep but it hasn’t kicked in yet.

I had canceled my appointment with my therapist for today but decided I need to talk to her because I feel suicidal. I had a bad pain out break last night and it put me in a bad mood, well, more than a bad mood. I would take some more neurontin but I don’t want to be goofy for six hours before passing out and then sleeping only for six hours. I just don’t know what to do. I keep thinking about ending my life and I can’t seem to think of a reason not to do it. I am sick of being in pain all the time. I can’t read, I can’t really write about stuff that doesn’t do with my pain and misery. I hate being miserable all the time. And the depression is weighing me down like a ten ton brick. I can barely breathe sometimes as I just feel like I have this weight on my chest. And nothing seems to work for me. There is no pill I can take to relieve this pressure. No pill for the anguish and heartbreak I feel every day. Just the emptiness inside of me that no one sees except me. I just feel like I would be better off dead.