I was looking over the stats for today and noticed someone read my therapy and therapists blog. For some reason, I thought it was clear that it was for psychology but someone made a comment about physical therapy and I had to go back in and change the title to therapy and therapists (psychological). I still don’t know what made someone think that I was talking about physical therapy.
Been having another rough day with pain, both physical and psychological. It’s a good thing that my therapist is off because it is the weekend or I might have to go the ER, and not for the physical pain. My thoughts have been very dark. I can’t see a future. I feel really bad and I don’t know why. I still want to kill myself. Been thinking about writing a note and some instructions on what to do after my death. I just haven’t done it because I am afraid if I take that step forward there might not be any going back.
If I were to take a psychological pain scale assessment, I am sure I would score pretty high on it right now. Everything in my being hurts. It hurts to breathe. It hurts to write. I wrote a blog the other day on a notepad that is five pages long and I still haven’t typed it up. It is about my therapist and coffee. I typed up a page and a half and then had to stop. It got too tiring to continue. My psychache is unreal and is causing me to think slower than usual. Thing is, even if I were to devise a plan to kill myself, I doubt I would be able to execute it because I have no energy. I am not perturbed enough to go through with it. All I can do is write about how much I am in despair and hope that it will pass. But will it?
All month I have been meaning to change my bedding. So far, I have been successful in cleaning off the “office” side of my bed so I can change the sheets. I figure tomorrow I might be able to finish putting things aside and changing the sheets come Tuesday. That is, if I am not in too much pain. I woke up early this morning in physical pain and I have been miserable all day. I fell back to sleep and woke up really late. Too late to make coffee. I haven’t had a cup of coffee in days. I think Thursday was the last time I had a coffee drink. I am in withdrawal as I keep having a low level headache. I hate when I wake up late in the day. It throws everything off. I hope I can sleep most of the day tomorrow. I really don’t want to do a damn thing, except for maybe going out for coffee. I can make it at home, sure, but that involves work. Granted it would be faster making it at home but I really have to type of the blog and maybe I can do that at Starbucks. I have to set some goals during the day or otherwise I feel defeated and hopeless. But again, it all depends on what my pain levels are like and if I have the motivation to go through with those goals. Right now I am feeling good that I got some stuff off my bed. I just take a one thing off a day, so this way I am not overwhelmed by the entire task. Otherwise I would be stuck in the depression and not be able to do a damn thing. But I don’t feel like going out tomorrow. And I don’t feel like making coffee. So I will just sleep the day away, just take my meds and sleep. Maybe then the pain, both psychological and physical will go down enough for me to face Tuesday.