my baby has left

My baby has left

I dropped off my baby (laptop) today as it would be pouring tomorrow. It did rain later in the evening but after I dropped off the package to FedEx, so I made good timing. I had lunch at my favorite place and then had coffee at Starbucks. I tried their new coffee, Sumantra Longberry. It was good and gave me some juice that I needed to write. After I wrote several pages in my journal, I decided to look at the roots story but didn’t have the mindset to do anything with it. I bookmarked it and left.

I got a little wet by the time I reached the station to go home. I caught the train and then got a text saying the buses were moderately delayed. Wonderful. I wanted to call my sister to pick me up but I didn’t want to bother her. So I waited. There were lines of people waiting so I decided to wait for the next bus as crowded buses give me anxiety. The next bus that came wasn’t as crowded, though the bus driver didn’t know where the stop at the station was. Made me nervous. Because there weren’t that many people on the bus, I made it to my stop quickly to go home. It was raining steadily by then. I never walked down the street so fast to avoid getting wet. I wasn’t carrying an umbrella. I hate carrying them. I probably will tomorrow, depends on how bad it rains. I have to go to Stop and Shop to pick up my father’s prescription. Damn jerk didn’t pick it up last week. Just hope my hip isn’t hurting like it is now.

I had therapy today and it went well. I like it when we talk about stuff that isn’t full of air. She is listening to me better than she has the past month and I like it. I guess telling her how I really feel has made a difference. She didn’t push seeing someone new today. I think we are going to try and work things out, which is good. We were talking about Corrective Emotion Experience, or something to that effect. I told her I will be willing to try that form of therapy. We also talked about structure and it will be the first day of catch up from the week and then on Wednesday more like a therapeutic day. She wanted to go once a week but I can’t imagine that to be helpful. All the suicide preventative people that I have talked to or listened to over the years, all seem to agree that twice a week is better than once. But she doesn’t want me to stop all together. I will only do that if she forces me to see someone else. With me catching up with Shneidman’s anodyne psychotherapy, I am learning tricks to help myself and then passing that on to my therapist via text messages. It’s hard to put his words in 160 characters but I am trying. The bottom line is trying to alleviate the press, perturbation, and pain that leads to suicide. We haven’t talked about my suicidality in the past three weeks because we are still sorting through what to do with therapy. It’s on “hold” for now. I talked a little about it today. It didn’t stress her out like I thought it would. She did listen rather than freak out. Progress. Today I thought about the Commitment to living paperwork but I have to be there to construct it. There is just only so much you can so over the phone. I suppose I can blog it and then we can talk about it and agree to it as oppose to signing it. I am just thinking outside the box. I think the biggest hurdle is going to be keeping track of the psychache when I am in physical pain. When my physical pain is low, it’s easier to do a psychache scale. But when I am really hurting, forget about it. It is very hard to distinguish psychological pain from physical when you have the heightened arousal of actual physical pain. I have been good about keeping it down and using Gabapentin more has decreased my pain tremendously, even though I have regained the five pounds I lost. There is nothing I can do about that. It’s just part of the side effects.

My therapist and I did discuss trying to find a CAMS therapist in this area. I have to get the nerve to tweet Jobes to see if he keeps track of such things. I know for CBASP there is a compilation of therapists on the website but, unfortunately, none are in my area. The closest person is in Rhode Island and that will be troublesome. I can look again. There might be more people trained in this area of psychotherapy. For CAMS, I personally know one of the consultants and am thinking of asking her rather than go through Jobes. Then I thought about it…would I see this therapist just because I am suicidal? That would be a pretty specific therapist to see just for a few weeks time. (CAMS can be useful in as little as 8 sessions.) I think I will do that and see where it gets me. The worse she can say is no, she can’t help me.