Feeling Weird

Feeling Weird

I just finished a chapter in “American Gods” by Neil Gaiman. This book just gets weirder and weirder as it goes along. But I am feeling weird. I am dizzy and lightheaded, even though I am sitting down. I feel like the voices are getting stronger and louder. I am becoming unnerved, like everything is bothering me and I don’t know what that everything is.

I am really tired and I know I should get some sleep. Maybe I am entering a dissociative state. I really want to die. The voices want me to die. They keep telling me to take this or that bottle of pills. I am in a lot of pain. And now my pinky toe on my good foot is hurting me for some reason. I don’t know why. I didn’t bang it recently or anything. I am so pissed off that I have another ache to deal with. I nearly choked on one of my pills tonight. It wouldn’t go down and I couldn’t cough it up. I was scared. But then I drank some more powerade and it went down, thankfully. I seriously need to cut this pill in half or something. I will ask the pharmacist if I can do this.

I am starting to feel dangerous. But not out of the control dangerous. This cold that I have is making me crazy because I can’t breathe through my nose. One side of my nostrils get clogged up and then it will clear and then the other side will get clogged up. It’s a repeating pattern that has been going on for several days now. I keep blowing out clear stuff so I know I don’t have an infection. My sister thinks it’s dust bunnies that are making me sick. If that were the case, I would be dead as I still haven’t cleaned my ceiling fan. Voices are after me to clean it, too. I just am lazy to clean it. It won’t take that long. But I feel that I can’t stand too long to do it and will have pain afterwards.

I want to text my therapist that I am not doing ok. I might send this blog to my psychiatrist so she knows I am not doing okay. I just don’t want to go into the hospital. They will just drug me up there and I don’t want to be drugged up. I rather be drugged up at home. Plus they will fuck up my medication and I will be taking twice the number of pills that I am currently taking. NO way, Jose. I am not going to sit at the nurses station/med counter with 30 pills to take because they don’t have the doses I currently take. Fuck that. And it won’t do no good anyway. They don’t understand about psychosis and stress, the hospital not my treatment team. I just want to be left alone, maybe have a few check ins with my pdoc and then be ok. I know this will settle down once I get the MRI report. That is what is stressing me out big time. It is no fun having surgery or the possibility of surgery hanging over your head.

I had spasms again today in my bad foot. It is driving me crazy because I am getting them 304 times a week now. I don’t know what to do about it other than to take an Ativan for it. It’s the only think that settles it down. And then I am toast for the day. It hurts to walk afterwards as I am so sore from the contractions. I really don’t want to live anymore. I am so done with this crap. I thought I was going to be fine this New year and not have suicidal thoughts. I was wrong. I want to be dead more now than ever. Maybe I should take a swim in the Charles River. I can go after my appointment for the MRI. I am right there.

Meds are kicking in as well as the Nyquil for this cold. Still can’t breathe but maybe if I lie down, it will clear up…

Published by

G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

4 thoughts on “Feeling Weird”

  1. I am behind on posts. Dont take a swim. I would sure miss you. You’ve been so supportive to us. I appreciate you for that. I think Laura is right. If your pain was less you might feel a lot better. XX

  2. Having an animal helps immensely. Not only is it comforting and provides a lot of pleasure, but they literally give you a reason to live. They get you out more. They engage you with others who want to talk about how cute they are, especially a dog. They make you think, what will happen to my dog if I die? Sometimes that makes me mad, but that’s the way it is. Otherwise, I don’t have anyone. My dog helps me immensely with the PTSD. She does help with the dissociation, partially. I feel safe though, knowing that if I’m dissociated she will protect me. Maybe you can get your shrink to prescribe an emotional support animal. I think a dog is best because you can take them out, and I can’t stand cat box smell or cat food smell, and my dog gets me outside which helps me, because I isolate and then I get more depressed. I know people who have a bunny for emotional support. They can be trained to use a litter box, don’t really smell, and are very cuddly! And they don’t cost much or need much vet work. Just a thought.

  3. thank you. not really feeling better this morning. Had to take some pain pills to ease my damn pain and this cold isn’t going away. I just feel miserable. I’m glad I didn’t send this off to my psychiatrist. I don’t even remember writing it. I would probably be getting a phone call if I did. I hate when I dissociate writing.

    I know you are like me in the suicidal realm of things. Sucks don’t it? I wish there was an easy answer for us but I guess there isn’t. One day at a time and all that crap. What does it get us? Another day of misery is all. I wish I had an animal , a cat, that I could cuddle with. My mother doesn’t allow animals. She doesn’t like them much. But then I worry about vet bills and such. But I think it would help my depression some, and who knows, maybe help keep me here longer.

  4. Eh…don’t take a swim in the Charles. It will just make your pain worse. Is that what you want? I think you might feel better if your pain was under control. And stop reading that book, if it’s giving you more distress.

    I don’t want to come off as unsympathetic or harsh. I’m the last person on earth to minimize suicidal urges! You know I have them too, daily, 24/7. The thing is, I think it’s important to work on thinking about self-soothing. I’m no expert, clearly. I am trying to think of things that will sooth these drives to self annihilation. It’s hard. Certain kind of music help. Reading interesting yet not mentally violent things help. For instance I wanted to read “one flew over the cuckoo’s nest.” Bad choice! Had to stop. But “on the road” was exciting but not distressing. I guess it’s a form of distraction. My son has pretty much divorced me, but I want to live to see him get his Ph.D. So I need to find self soothing strategies so I can at least make it to May, then after that I don’t know. I’m not anti suicide, you know that. Just, the Charles, ugh. Plus I always think about whoever finds my body. I don’t want to pass on the PTSD that finding dead bodies is partially responsible for. Sorry I’m going on and on about this…I guess you opened up something. Hope you feel better ❤

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