Pissed off

Pissed off

I have a friend that is being treated like a bad person by her son. There are issues that I won’t get into but it’s got me thinking about my own mother. And frankly, she is a bad mother. She has never accepted me. Sure she will gladly accept my money but that is the only thing she accepts. The other day I was cold in my room so was wearing my beanie hat. She made a comment that if I wore long hair, I wouldn’t be cold. I ignored it like I usually do because she doesn’t know that I am transgender. I don’t even think she knows what being transgender is about. Today she called me “miss” and I flew off the fucking handle. It was the way she said it that really ticked me off. I wanted so badly to tell her to call me sir but I kept biting my tongue.

Tonight, she called me to tell me what she was making for dinner. It was cauliflower with pasta. I already had a bunch of carbs with the oatmeal pancakes I made for breakfast and wanted something else. She hung up on me when I declined. I am so pissed off when she hangs up on me. I did nothing to deserve this and I know we have been getting in a tiff all fucking day because we have been cooped up in the house because of the fucking weather. But I don’t think I deserve to be treated this way.

I am so damn angry at her because she never validates what I go through. She doesn’t accept my short men hair cuts. But I can’t be her “daughter”. I just can’t. It’s not in me. I don’t know why she hates me so damn much. And don’t anyone tell me different. A mother should accept their child unconditionally. She has conditions and I don’t fit in them. It fuels my suicidality because I never will have the mother that I should have. It pisses me off because there are mothers, like my friend, who will do anything for their child and doesn’t expect anything in return except maybe a little gratitude.

My mother has been against me seeing a therapist from the get-go. She thinks she should be my therapist. How can I talk with her when she doesn’t even accept that depression is an illness? I have tried to talk with her and her response is always to “let it go” and don’t think about it. Would a therapist tell their client this? Hell no. That is why I don’t talk to her about my problems. I might vent that about the disability paperwork might rescind my claim and no longer call me disabled. Her response was she needs the money for the mortgage. I should cut the cable bill by totally disconnecting it. That will save me a hundred bucks a month. Just to piss her off. She is just so damn callous. She isn’t like this with my sisters.

I am in pain all the damn time yet she thinks, I am willing to bet, that I should be working despite this. She just has no respect for me at all. And it hurts.

About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Pissed off

  1. Ugh, I’m sorry you’re in this unenviable situation. Is there any way at all that you could move out? Even living with roommates might be better than living with your mom! Roommates are sometimes really cool. Other times they’re a pain in the ass, but at least they’re not your mom.

    I had one roommate who had an eating disorder and nobody could leave food in the fridge because he’d eat it all. One of us left a big jar of peanut butter out, and he ate the whole jar with a spoon and it made him sick and he almost choked to death! But the other roommates started avoiding him, and he got the message and moved out. We got a new roommate who was very cool, and peace was restored to the apartment! That was in Inman Square before it got all yuppified like it is today.

any thoughts?

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