Put on some of this or that, maybe I won’t feel so bad

Put on Some of This or That, Maybe I Won’t Feel So Bad

I was going to say the hell with my plans and drop off the prescription at the pharmacy to be picked up tomorrow or Wednesday when I will get paid. But my ankle is saying “don’t you dare”. Just going down the stairs started a flare up and I give up. I am not going out today like I planned. I really wanted to have Starbucks and a breakfast sandwich but I need to restrict my activities if I am going to go out tomorrow night with friends. I honestly don’t know how I am going to manage this, with my ankle being so sore. I will bring my cane as I will need it for support. I haven’t left the house since Wednesday. And this week was supposed to be a big week. I have doctors appointments for myself and my father. If I can’t get the Zipcar for my father, I will be screwed. I will have to reschedule the appointment. I would like an earlier time anyway other than 1730.

I feel like crying, not because I didn’t get my check but because I am in a lot of fucking pain. This is like a week now that I have been in severe pain and it doesn’t seem to let up. Soon as I start walking around or even moving it to flex it, it hurts. I am so damn sad. All I can think about is the Eric Church song that is running through my head. The title of this blog is the second verse of the song.

I made breakfast. My ankle didn’t like that. It doesn’t like anything that I do. But I can’t just lay in bed all day. I have been doing that for the past four to five days. I am getting a little stir crazy. I was thinking about a story to write about having a narcissistic father but it’s still floating around in my head. I got a comment on my CAMS blog this morning by some clinician who was looking for a later version of the SSF. I told him I don’t know if there is one. There is an electronic version coming out in the spring of this year, CAMS 2. I don’t know if that will be DSM5. I will revise the blog once I get the new information.

Mentally I just can’t handle being in pain anymore. It’s dragging me down a deep hole and I am not sure I can get out of it. I am really pissed off that my ankle hurts so damn bad. It should have recovered after two days of staying in the house but it didn’t. It just got worse and worse. Not even the strong pain meds helped. I might have to take another dose. But I just took my regular meds so we’ll see if that helps. I don’t want to take them together because I will be really loopy. I was talking to a friend the other night via FB chat and I almost passed out on her. I told her I had to go lie down. She didn’t like it but I had to lie down before I passed out.

I think I finally figured out why my nose is all clogged up: the Heat! It’s the only variable that makes sense. I live, almost, in my room so it makes sense that the heat would cause my nasal passages to swell for whatever reason. I should dust it, but I don’t have access to it because there is a lot of stuff in front of it.

My hormone pill is ready to be picked up. I need to get that sometime today. I hope the pain meds do their magic so I can go out and get it. I will drop off the pain med script. I don’t have to go to Starbucks today. I can make coffee. The cream I have is still good until the 27th. Then I will be screwed. I might have to get some from my sister.

I didn’t sleep too good last night. I did wake up around 2300 but I wrote in my journal rather than write another blog. I didn’t go to sleep until around 0200 or so. Then I woke up every few hours until I said the hell with it and got up. I am really tired and feel like going back to sleep. I have no energy to do anything. Hopefully I will nap and then feel better. Because I feel like shit right now. And that isn’t just because my nose is clogged up.

About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Put on some of this or that, maybe I won’t feel so bad

  1. Marie Isabelle Snyder says:

    Newer reader just wanting to say I really hope you are feeling better soon. I think the cold weather and the snow is enough to make anyone feel awful, never mind having to deal with chronic pain. Winter time always depresses me. As soon as we change the clocks, it is like a switch goes off in my head. Take care of yourself, please.

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