Writing Itch 3

Writing itch 3

My writing itch continues. I am afraid that it started when I was reading a book about writing a novel. I have no clue how to write a novel nor do I ever plan on writing one because, frankly, I am not that creative. I basically write about my experiences in my blog and then if I feel that particular blog is good, I store it in my “book” folder to be published later. I feel like I am writing a second memoir though it’s really just short stories about mental illness, particularly about psychosis. I was going to throw in a story about narcissism but it was too close to my father and I just couldn’t write about it without thinking about him.

Speaking of him, I still haven’t cried for him, at all, since his death three months ago. I get sad about this but how can you cry when you are relieved he is gone? That the terror you felt as a child and an adult is finally out of life for good? I can’t call him a “dad” because he wasn’t one in any sense of the word. To me, he will always be my father and that is all.

I am wicked tired but I can’t sleep because of this writing itch. I like that I get into these itches but what I write is garbage. They are just words on a screen. I don’t even know if I make sense. I was feeling tired earlier this evening. I should have napped then but then I would probably wake up at this hour and be doing what I am doing. Writing nonsense.

I added a story to my book. I am up to 115 pages so far. I have 85 pages to go. Once I finish reading the Adler chapter, I think I am going to write some pages from the Daily Post word prompts that I have been saving. I think it will do me some good to write them. Lord knows I have enough notebooks to write my stories in them. I just hope that I write at least 850 words per word prompt. That is my word goal. If I write more than that, so be it, but I want each prompt to be at least 850 words.

I finally broke down and wrote to my favorite author, Lawrence Block. I felt like I had to because it felt important to me that he should know how I feel about his work. I don’t know if I will get a response or not. But at least I told him my feelings.

Today, there was something on Facebook about ISIS. It set me off in my delusions. I also read my blogs from March 2015 and realized my delusions started then about ISIS. I am really surprised that neither my psychiatrist nor my therapist gave any weight to my delusions. I think if they did, I probably wouldn’t be struggling today with so much psychotic symptoms. Of course, this is all in hindsight. This stuff won’t be making it’s way into my book because I am not sure of copyright issues and stuff. I just have been calling them snakeheads because they are being controlled by alien parasites that look like snakes, though they are far more uglier than snakes. Still scares me though.

Tomorrow I am going to try and sweep the stairs of the dust that has accumulated on there since the last sweeping. I will try and wash them as well but it all depends on if my back cooperates with me or not. Lately, the slights movement and it seems to go out on me. I made dinner tonight and had to sit down while cooking because the spasms were so intense. I don’t know why it gets like that. Drives me crazy.

About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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