Sometimes good things happen at 2 AM

Sometimes good things happen at 2 A.M.

Last night I was having a hell of a time sleeping. I was in pain but it was bearable. I was more restless than in pain. Then I got overtired, which is never good for me because I tend to dissociate and write bad things. But this time, I wrote a blog that was well received by all involved, though I barely remember writing it. I just remember saying to myself, I have to get to at least 850 words. I did and a little more for a cushion. I then sent it off to every Tom, Dick, and Harry I could think of that would like it, including my therapist and psychiatrist.

When I had therapy today, that was all she wanted to talk about. The blog was amazing to her. She wants me to get it published somewhere. Where, I have no clue. She wanted to know how I could write that good. I told her it was 2 in the morning and that is typically when I do my best writing. I don’t know what it is about that hour, but things come together and click. I told her it was another dissociative writing because I was in and out of consciousness while writing it. I was so damn tired and just wanted to sleep but couldn’t because I needed 850 words. I read it this morning and it was pretty good. I feel proud of myself for writing it.

All we talked about in therapy was what I wrote about in the blog. If she had a psychache scale handy, she would have made me fill one out. I wasn’t up for that. I could barely feel psychache or perturbation or press. I was feeling sleepy and I just wanted to get espresso at Starbucks along with something pumpkin. Or maybe get a burrito. We did talk about my death date and she wanted to know what it was but I wouldn’t tell her. She is hopeful that I will take it off the table. I am still ambivalent about the date, myself. There are some things that I want to do before I die in the next few weeks.

I asked her if she liked pumpkin and she said she did. I told her I was planning on making pumpkin goodies. Now I can pawn on her half the cake I am planning to make so it won’t go to waste. I feel good about this. I can also hand off some cupcakes, too. That is if I find the recipe for them. If I don’t, I am sure I can get one off the internet. I just hope we have hot water by then. Apparently, my brother-in-law is waiting for a part to come in from his work in order to fix our heater. Why the hell he can’t get it from Home Depot is a mystery to me.

I felt therapy went a little better than yesterday’s session. I talked a little bit more than she did. She wishes that I could sleep before midnight so I wouldn’t have the overtired dissociative writing episodes but then, my good writing wouldn’t come of it. She half ordered me to go to bed before midnight. I laughed because I have tried many times to sleep before midnight and usually I don’t succeed. Sometimes I do, but it is rare. It all depends on my pain levels and lately, they haven’t been good to me.

Published by

G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

2 thoughts on “Sometimes good things happen at 2 AM”

any thoughts?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s