in Super Pain

In super pain

I took three of my regular pain meds for my back pain. Within 45 minutes, I began to feel sleepy but I didn’t finish my blog yet so I fought off the sleepiness for a little while. I had to do a couple things on my feet like put my finished powerade bottle in the recycle, shut off the big light and get another powerade bottle to put it by my bed. After all that, my ankle said thank you by exploding in pain. It was driving me to be suicidal so I took a strong pain pill. I have one left and that isn’t going to get me through the month. I wish Walgreens would hurry up with their asking my doc if it is okay that I take my regular pain meds and my strong one. It’s from the same damn office so I don’t know why there is a problem every time I try to get it filled. Drives me fucking nuts. I meant to call them today to hurry them up but I forgot. I will call tomorrow.

Being in this kind of pain just makes me wicked suicidal. If I could walk to where my stash of lethal pills are, I would probably take them. But I don’t want to kill myself in my house. I don’t want a family member finding me. So I have to hold off the suicidal feelings. I hate being in this much pain. It’s a 12 on a scale of 1-10. I really hope that the CBT works for me. I am kind of scared. There is a book that is made specifically for chronic pain and CBT so I am going to get it on my next pay check. This will be the 3rd book I will have purchased for cognitive therapy. I hope I can get something out of it.

I am writing as a means of distracting while I am waiting for the strong pain pill to work. I took it an hour ago so it should be kicking in soon. I thought I was having some relief until I moved my ankle. Bad move. I know if I lie down, I am going to be in more pain so I am just sitting up waiting for pain meds to work. Some life I lead. I can’t even enjoy going out to meet some friends anymore. My life is pathetic. It’s kind of my fault because today should have been a “rest” day because I baked yesterday. I keep pushing the envelope and it’s pushing back, harder than I can take. If I don’t take rest days, I am just messed up and in pain more than I would like and it’s harder to control. That’s why I sadly decided not to see my therapist later today. I hated cancelling but I need to start taking better care of myself. Being in pain all the time is tiring and is causing me to be wicked suicidal at times.

Times like this, I really want to put my date back on the table because I can’t imagine living life like this anymore. But I really want to give this CBT stuff a try and hope for the best. I also need to honestly give it a try even though it might be hard to give up the preconceptions that I have about it. Until then, I have to stick around, even though I am fighting an uphill battle. I feel like I am doing this alone but I know that I have my blog readers behind me and that is a huge comfort to me. Thank you for reading and encouraging me.

About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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