A Grumpy Painful Monday

A grumpy painful Monday

I woke up a few times during the night. My ankle was not letting up any, so with the passing hours, I just took more pain meds. I have been in bed all day. I managed to brush my teeth when I went to the bathroom this morning. That has been the extent of my activities today. I haven’t eaten anything because I just am not hungry. I just want to be left alone and sleep. My mother called me twice. The first time I let it go to voicemail. I had to pick up the second time or she would come to my room and I didn’t want her to. She has a hard time getting up the stairs. She wanted me to have dinner but I told her I wasn’t hungry. She made dinner anyway and when it was finished, she called me. I still didn’t change my mind. The only thing I want to eat is my pumpkin cake and maybe a protein shake.

I am in a really grumpy mood because I shouldn’t be in pain. I have done everything to control the pain but I still continue to hurt. It’s not severe pain but just an annoying pain. The depression that I feel doesn’t want to make me get out of bed. I feel bad. One of my friends tried talking to me yesterday and I ignored her messages. Today she tried again and I just told her bluntly, I wasn’t in the mood to talk. I was in pain and I just wanted to hibernate. She understood. I told her when I felt up to it, I would be in contact with her again.

I need a shower. But I don’t feel like taking one. I also haven’t moved my bowels. Now we are getting to the danger zone because the last time I went was last Wednesday. I know that is partly why I have no appetite. I have been taking fiber pills but not moving around any isn’t helping either. I emailed my psych about this and haven’t heard back from her.

I wanted to do a few errands today but that didn’t happen. I still have my prescription at the pharmacy I haven’t picked up yet. I also wanted to get a burrito. Guess that will have to wait till tomorrow. I never called the dentist either and it’s too late now. I am just so wiped out from being in pain the last few days that I just don’t want to do a damn thing. I just want to keep popping pills until I get relief but that isn’t going to work. Be great if it did, but I doubt it would.

I wanted to drop off the last piece of pumpkin cake to my psychiatrist today. Now that piece is going in my belly not hers. Oh well. I will make the cake again as it is a favorite of mine. I have to place a grocery order in soon. I won’t order that much stuff because I will be dieting, starting next week. I haven’t told my mother yet but I will sometime this week. I think she won’t like it but I don’t care. I just want to see if I can do it.

Published by

G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

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