Made it out

Made it out

I woke up in a better mood than I have the past few days. I wasn’t in as much pain and got some restful sleep. I checked Twitter like I always do and heard that one of my favorite pitchers got traded to the Phillies. This couldn’t be true! I scrolled along but didn’t see anything but exhilaration from the Sox crowd so it must be true.

I took a shower grumpily. It kind of exhausted me but not too much that I had to stay in bed. I had enough time to catch the next bus so I rested a little bit and kept checking Twitter for the official trade notification. I still had no idea who we got. By the time I was at Starbucks, half way through my sandwich, I saw who we got in the trade and my heart sunk. My good day went away, just like that. I didn’t get my burrito. I wasn’t hungry.

I started writing in my journal until I finished my drink. Then I caught the bus to the grocery store to buy some things. I wanted my multigrain bread and I was going to get it, dammit! I also got some pumpkin stuff because there were two cans left. They seemed lonely so I brought them home, after I paid for them of course. I used my burrito money for the purchases.

The bus took forever to get there. I didn’t time the bus right as I had to wait twenty minutes in the cold weather. I had to go to the pharmacy to drop off and pick up my meds. I had just enough time to sort through the mail and take off my brace before my bowels decided to let loose. It was all hard stuff because I hadn’t gone in a week and I bled. I figured as much because I really had to push to get the stool out of my system. For a while, I thought I would have to manipulate to get it to go but it came out on its own. Sometimes when I don’t go regularly, that can happen because I don’t have the muscle tone to push things out anymore. That is because of my nerve injury. I try to go every day or every other day but taking the damn pain meds really caused havoc on my system, especially the strong pain pill. I’m just glad I finally went or tomorrow would be crap day, literally.

It was weird not having therapy today. I was able to go out earlier than I normally do. If I didn’t have to go to the grocery store, I would have stayed at Starbucks longer. I have no idea if I am going to have a flare up tonight or not. But I am glad I went out. I keep thinking it’s Wednesday but it’s not. I guess being in the throws of a flare up really threw me for a loop. I always feel like I lose a day because I have to drug myself around the clock to get relief.

I’m starting a new book today. I finished the Lawrence Block book I was reading. Actually didn’t really finish it but it wasn’t for me so I tossed it aside and took it out of my “currently reading” que. I’m going to read SE Hinton’s Taming the Star Runner. I enjoy her books. I should finish it by the end of the week as it’s not a long book. In the new year, I will read the clinical books and Dostoevsky that I am still working on. It takes a lot of concentration for Dostoevsky and I just don’t have it or the patience to read it.

I calculated how much it’s going to cost me in protein drinks for my diet. It’s going to be a little over $250. I don’t consider that bad considering I usually spend that much on junk food at Stop and Shop. I know I will cheat here and there, but as long as it’s protein and not junk food, I should be okay. I don’t think a roast beef sandwich will be bad as say a tray of Oreo cookies. I will stay away from burgers or that will defeat the purpose. Besides, other than me making the burger, I can’t really buy them. I have no McDonald’s or Burger King in my area. I will miss carbs though. That is why I bought my bread so I can make a tuna sandwich. I can have my carbs and protein all in one.

Next week when I get paid, I plan on getting new glasses. It’s through an online company called Zanni. The frames are wicked cheap but durable and the lenses are not that expensive compared to optical shops. I bought my first pair earlier this year for my progressive lenses and though they really took some getting used to, it turned out to be fine. The only thing I hate about it is that you can’t have them adjusted by the optician so they don’t fit quite right. It took some trial and error but within a month or so, I had them the way I want them. I am going to try their transition lenses next. I priced them and it was $135, which isn’t bad considering. I just need to get a pair of sunglasses. Those I will go to the optician for, only because I need them for driving and I don’t want them messed up.

Published by

G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

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