Because of the fiasco with losing my phone on my birthday and panicking, I no longer have use of my phone because it has been transferred to the replacement phone, which I don’t have. Due to red tape, I can’t have use of my phone until the replacement one has been delivered back to Sprint. I have no idea how long that is going to take. I wish they fucking told me this. Assholes.

I feel like a limb has been cut off. I hate not being able to use my phone. Sure I can use the apps through wifi but I can’t text my family members or anyone else for that matter. It sucks. I was supposed to meet with a friend today and all I could do was wait for her. I couldn’t call and find out where she was. She is always late, that was a given but I didn’t know how late she was going to be. I waited an hour for her. I should have known. I didn’t mind waiting. I had WiFi at Starbucks so I could message her through FB and check my Twitter. I was sad to learn of Carrie Fisher’s death. I didn’t think she was going to pull through. 2016 likes celebrities this year too much.

I ordered my groceries to be delivered tomorrow. This was before I knew my phone was disconnected. I had to call them up and tell them to call my mother’s number and to ring my bell. I wouldn’t be getting text messages like I normally would. I am so pissed. Least I figured out what time the window is so I know to be awake. It’s at a decent time tomorrow, thank god.

I have to call my doctor’s office tomorrow to see if my prescription is ready so I can pick it up. They won’t be able to call me because I don’t have a working phone. Another annoyance. I’m glad I don’t have therapy this week because there wouldn’t be a number for her to call me. And every time I try to use my mother’s line, someone always calls. It never fails.

I’m not going to get my glasses like I was going to. There is no point. If I change my mind (which I doubt) or I live, maybe I will then, but not now. I have been depressed most of the day since leaving my friend as she had to meet her mother to go to the airport. We had a good visit but I realized it would be the last time seeing her and that made me sad. I didn’t tell her anything about my plans or how horrible Christmas truly was. I just faked it.

Now that I have gotten paid, I have been thinking of reserving a car to see my therapist for our next appointment. Only problem is, I don’t know how emotional it will be and I don’t want to be driving and crying at the same time. I hope by the time she is back and stuff, my phone is turned back on. I hate not being able to text ANYONE, let alone her. I am taking a texting break from her while we are on break. But it’s just weird that I can’t text her if I need to.

I haven’t made much progress in my book the past two days. I was too depressed to think of something to write or play with the pages to make a dedication page. I am finding the task daunting and a little overwhelming. I still haven’t decided if I am going to have an acknowledgement page or not. Guess I will flip a coin about it or something. I don’t have to make one as there is really no one to really acknowledge this time around. I got to look at the other memoir that I liked that was clear cut and simple. That is how I want this book to be. Trouble is, I don’t remember where I put it…

Published by

G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

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