I want to cry

I want to cry

I haven’t been in pain for most of the day and soon after I took my pain meds and some Benadryl, it starts up. I took the Benadryl because my allergies were really bad. I have been sneezing all day for some reason. It was so annoying. Anyways, after the pain started, my foot and ankle started doing a cramping motion that was more painful than the pain itself. I wanted to cry. I took another Ativan and now I am ready to sleep but I can’t because I am kind of wired.

My diet didn’t go well today. I only had three shakes and then a black bean burger because I was hungry. I also had a protein bar and some fruit. I didn’t drink any water because I just didn’t feel like it. After the phone call with the insurance company for my phone, I kind of lost all appetite. I am surprised I even made it through the day. I am hungry now and should eat something but I really don’t want to go back downstairs because I am in pain. I really want cookies because it’s my comfort food but I want to stick with my diet.

I emailed my psychiatrist about how I was feeling and then I realized, what if she calls me? I had to send her another email saying don’t call me because my phone is disconnected. I didn’t give her an explanation. I will tell her when I see her on Friday. Hopefully my phone is fucking turned on by then.

I kind of feel proud because without dieting, I lost six pounds. I weighed myself today and I was the same as I was before I started dieting but I was heavier when I first got my fitness pal app. I don’t know what I did. I swear it’s the meds that fluctuate my weight. I just hope that once I get back in a routine of some sort, I lose the weight more frequently than what I am right now. I haven’t left the house since Friday. I hope to go to Starbucks tomorrow but there is no guarantee I will. It all depends on my pain levels.

I can’t wait to text my friend that I met in the hospital four years ago. I am sure she is worried about me. Or she thinks I am mad at her for not answering her text messages. I hope my explanation will be satisfactory to her. I didn’t know my phone was going to be turned off. If I did, I would have had one of my other phones turned on so I would still have a phone. I am such an idiot.

I just want to cry because I am in pain again. I am so tired of being in pain. It’s so exhausting. I am afraid to lie down because I fear that my pain will increase. I am so tired though, physically, even though I haven’t done anything all day. I know it’s the Benadryl and pain meds that are making me tired. I just need to try and sleep and it might happen. Just wish the PTSD would calm down enough so I could try and sleep.

Published by

G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

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