Night on the town

Night on the town

I went south of Boston to see my friends kid have their concert. It went pretty well for a bunch of students. I didn’t like the chorus part of it. It almost put me to sleep, they were singing so softly. The jazz was pretty good. It was good to see my adoptive nephew dancing along with the beats. I loved it.

The ride home was long. The bus ride longer because they were stopping at every mother loving stop. Quite unusual for this time of night. Usually it just sails right on through. Not tonight. I just wanted to get home and out of my brace. My leg was barking and of course, soon as I came out of it, my foot and ankle were. I just hope I am not up all night because I got to get up early to wake my niece for school. I will be watching her the next six days. Holy Moly. Her mother and father are going to Aruba for a wedding. They leave in a few hours.

I was able to communicate to my psychiatrist. I have to call her tomorrow morning and then see her Friday morning. She couldn’t make the afternoon time, which is fine for me because I got to be home for my niece. I am glad there is only three school days I have to get her up for. This weekend is Martin Luther King, Jr.’s Birthday so Monday is no school.

I wrote a lot in my journal about my therapist’s situation. I still can’t believe I went from twice a week to monthly. I think I really pushed her away. She didn’t even wait for me to get another therapist or anything. Just here are some names and work on it. See ya in a month. I am not going to work on anything. I googled the first name and she is a trauma therapist. She is a little ways up from where my therapist used to be on Mass Ave. I have no idea if she is taking new clients or suicidal ones at that. I just can’t bring myself to call when the fear of rejection is so damn high. Plus, having a suicidal date in the mix doesn’t exactly give me hope that it will work out anyways.

I don’t know what I expect my psychiatrist to do. She isn’t my therapist, per se. But I have a feeling I will be seeing her more than I am going to see my therapist. I am so tempted to cancel my therapist’s appointment and just say fuck you, see you later to her. But I can’t bring myself to. Besides, she will probably think I am joking and not cancel the appointment. She is so frustrating and dense. Even when you are serious, she thinks you are joking.

I don’t get why I didn’t have a say in the monthly business. She just made the decision and now I am supposed to play along? What the hell is that? She says it’s so she “doesn’t go back to her old habits”. I don’t fucking get it. How is meeting once a month going to help me? We spent more time playing catch up during our phone call yesterday than we did actual therapy so how is that going to fucking work? I am so hurt right now it’s not funny. I just don’t even want to deal with her right now, at all. I thought we were going to end, not meet on a monthly basis. It would be fine if it was maintenance therapy or something but it’s not. I can’t help but think I scared her away and now I have no therapist because I am a hopeless case. Took four years but I’m finally there. Least I found out now rather than later. Now I just need to end this pathetic existence.

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About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Night on the town

  1. Mari says:

    I know you are hurting and I am so sorry. This is how it is with endings I am afraid. The person on the receiving end does not get a say in the matter. I have been on both ends. Neither is pleasant. It is overwhelmingly hurtful and maddening, yet unfortunately that is just how it is. Sending you a hug and lots of understanding. It sucks. It really does.

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