Therapy-less

Therapy-less

My airhead therapist got the times wrong for our session. She thought we were meeting today, not tomorrow. I am glad I canceled the Zipcar because I would have been pissed to show up and find I didn’t have an appointment. So we talked today.

She decided that we are going to talk monthly when I can get the zipcar and go out to see her, in person. She gave me names of five therapists, all female, in the area. I have no intention of calling any of them. I am not seeing another therapist again.

We talked about my pain and anxiety levels, my phone fiasco and being phoneless, and that was about it. She didn’t ask about my suicidality and I didn’t tell her. I was tempted to tell her about my dissociation I had last night but I didn’t. I felt like she wanted to keep the conversation light so I didn’t get into anything dark.

Today is our anniversary. I asked her if I could see her tomorrow and she said no. She doesn’t want to fall into her old habits. I was crushed but I didn’t let on about it. She wants to keep this as a monthly thing, fine. I will be dead soon anyways so it doesn’t matter. As we were setting up our next appointment, it was the week after that I would be dead. I felt sad about not telling her this but oh well.

I emailed my psychiatrist to let her know. She responded saying she wants to see me tomorrow but I had already made plans to see some friends. I will just keep our appointment for Friday. It would be nice to see her tomorrow but I really want to see my friends. I haven’t seen them in a long time. It would be good meeting them again.

For the first time in sixteen years, I am without a therapist on a regular basis. I have gone from twice a week to monthly. And it’s not because I have recovered or my symptoms have diminished. It’s because my therapist doesn’t know how to treat me anymore. Frankly, I don’t think the monthly bullshit is going to work out. I mean, why even bother? The least she could have done was wait until I had a therapist set up before going monthly. That would have made more sense, but nope. Not going to happen. So neither is me calling a therapist she gave me. I will check each of the names on Google to see what I can learn about them, though. Maybe if I see something in their profile it might change my mind and I will call her. We’ll see.

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About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders, suicide and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to Therapy-less

  1. Mari says:

    I am so sorry.

    I am also late with happy birthday, merry christmas, happy new year, and congrats on the second book. I am sorry about that too. I have been feeling very low and with the holidays and work and weather (I travel a lot for my primary job and been getting stranded places) I have all I can do to get up each day and put one foot in front of the other.

  2. manyofus1980 says:

    this has to be so painful for you. i cant magine what it feels like to have a therapist practically give up on you. that would crush me I think. I would definitely look up the therapists she gave you see what you can learn and go from there. xxx

    • G. Collerone says:

      Yes, it is painful. I don’t think I’m going to see anyone again. Hell, I don’t even want to talk to my therapist again. It’s just too painful. I’ll just talk to my psychiatrist until she gets tired of me.

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