having a painful day

Having a painful day

I didn’t go to sleep till around 0930 this morning. I had been up all night, minus about 1.5-2 hours of sleep, until pain woke me up from a sound slumber. I did sleep for about six hours, when my pain meds wore off and I needed more. I also needed food as I just had some toast with some coffee for breakfast. I ordered a cheeseburger with onion rings. It was good and now I don’t need anymore food for the day.

While I was waking up, I stretched my feet and that proved to be a disaster. My left ankle hated it so bad it caused me severe pain. I don’t know why I did that. Now I am trying to get the pain under control again. I feel like I should be making preparations for my death in a few weeks but I can’t stand so there goes that idea. I will have to make it some other time. I still haven’t worked on my will yet. It’s almost ready, I just need to add some closing remarks.

Last night I watched Schindler’s List. I forgot how gruesome the movie was and inhumane. I pray to all the gods and hope that this never happens again. I could only bear to watch Part 1. I’m too tired to watch the end of the movie tonight so I will probably do so tomorrow night. I didn’t want to give myself nightmares because I know the end of the movie is worse than the beginning.

My mood has been neither good nor bad today. I am just too tired to gauge it. Of course, the feelings of wanting to die are still present. I swear the level of pain dictates how bad the wanting to die urges are and today they are great. The pain is the highest it has been in a long time and with me having no sleep last night, at all, I am just vulnerable to my dark moods. I haven’t emailed my psychiatrist and don’t plan to. Why worry her. I see her Friday anyways and things might change. I doubt it, but there is always that sliver of hope that I cling to.

There were errands I wanted to do today that obviously never got done because I needed sleep and also pain relief. I had my sister pick up my meds at the pharmacy because I can’t walk, least not today. If I get enough rest today, maybe I can do the errands tomorrow.

My foot and ankle are throbbing up a storm right now. I don’t know which is more painful, my foot or ankle, and frankly I don’t care. I hope to sleep soon even though it’s only 5 pm. I just can’t keep my eyes open anymore.