In a Pissed off Mood

In a pissed off mood

I didn’t go to sleep till well after 3 am. Then around 0500, my foot explodes and I was woken up from a sound sleep. You got to be fucking kidding me! I am still awake as I wait for the pain meds to knock me back out again. This doesn’t bode well as I had things to do today. I guess they will have to wait till tomorrow. I know I am going to be in a pissy mood most of the day and not wanting to leave my bed. I wanted to get at least three books out in the mail today but that isn’t going to happen. Fucking A, I am so mad!!

This hasn’t happened in a while, but I could have slept a little longer than about 2 hours or so. My foot still hurts so the pain meds still hasn’t kicked in yet, though I have take it an hour or so ago. I am not in a good mood at all. I want to make coffee but I don’t know if I can stand on my foot or it will become really angry if I put weight on it. So I am stuck on my bed until the pain meds kick in. Great life I lead, eh?

I am so sick of being in pain all the damn time and being woken up from a sound sleep. I am listening to my favorite music artist, Mary Chapin Carpenter, to help calm me down. Her voice is so soothing. I am hoping it won’t lead me to my dark thoughts, even though I am in a pissy mood.

My mother will be getting up soon. I will be going to bed. Then we will have the conversation of me “sleeping like sleeping beauty”, which I blew up at her at because I was so pissed off of hearing her say that all the damn time. She thinks sleeping all day is a bad thing but when you are up all night, it’s a godsend sometimes. I can see if I was sleeping all day because I was depressed or something, but when you are up all fucking night due to pain, there is a difference.

I feel like paging my psychiatrist and telling her my plans are still on in full force because I haven’t slept all night but 2 bloody hours, maybe less as I really don’t know what time I passed out. It really sucks when you are in a sound sleep and get woken up by feeling like your foot is being torn apart. I thought at first I was dreaming of this pain but I woke up and it wasn’t a dream. Fucker. Maybe I will take another Ativan yet again to calm my ass down and get back to sleep as this pain medicine isn’t doing shit not after two hours. I am agitated as anything. That isn’t good when you are feeling suicidal. If I had hair, I’d probably pull it out. I am glad I have short hair. It makes it hard to pull on your hair. I might go to the barber when I am better and get buzzed again. My hair has grown back even though it’s only been two weeks since my last cut. My hair grows fast. I think it is because I always cut it. Or it could be my psych meds. I don’t know.

I am going to attempt to get three books from my box that is a foot away from my bed. Got them, I was very careful not to put pressure on where the pain was. But as I was getting back in bed, I accidently did so the pain acted up again. Fuck. It’s going to be a day in bed. I just hope I don’t have to go to the bathroom. That will be torture. Oh, how I wish there was a half bath where the bedrooms were.

It feels like I am putting tremendous pressure on my toes when there is nothing there. I have taken my foot from out of the covers so the sheet isn’t on it. Still in pain. It didn’t do much. This is terrible. I hope the Ativan works quickly before I totally lose my mind! It’s the peroneous tendon that is flaring up. I just moved my toes to see what would happen and felt pain in my ankle immediately. Fuck. This isn’t good. In another hour, I can take my regular pain meds. I hate being on a fucking clock schedule for taking meds. But if it keeps the pain away, I got to be on it or else I pay for it. I had taken the strong pain pill when I woke up 2 hours ago because I couldn’t take my regular pain meds as I just took them before going to bed for my 1.5 -2 hours of sleep. I really just want to die. And that will happen soon, I swear, though I am thinking of changing my method of choice. It will be messy but I think I will go on the outside back porch so the clean up can be better than inside the house or in my room.

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G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

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