In a Pissed off Mood

In a pissed off mood

I didn’t go to sleep till well after 3 am. Then around 0500, my foot explodes and I was woken up from a sound sleep. You got to be fucking kidding me! I am still awake as I wait for the pain meds to knock me back out again. This doesn’t bode well as I had things to do today. I guess they will have to wait till tomorrow. I know I am going to be in a pissy mood most of the day and not wanting to leave my bed. I wanted to get at least three books out in the mail today but that isn’t going to happen. Fucking A, I am so mad!!

This hasn’t happened in a while, but I could have slept a little longer than about 2 hours or so. My foot still hurts so the pain meds still hasn’t kicked in yet, though I have take it an hour or so ago. I am not in a good mood at all. I want to make coffee but I don’t know if I can stand on my foot or it will become really angry if I put weight on it. So I am stuck on my bed until the pain meds kick in. Great life I lead, eh?

I am so sick of being in pain all the damn time and being woken up from a sound sleep. I am listening to my favorite music artist, Mary Chapin Carpenter, to help calm me down. Her voice is so soothing. I am hoping it won’t lead me to my dark thoughts, even though I am in a pissy mood.

My mother will be getting up soon. I will be going to bed. Then we will have the conversation of me “sleeping like sleeping beauty”, which I blew up at her at because I was so pissed off of hearing her say that all the damn time. She thinks sleeping all day is a bad thing but when you are up all night, it’s a godsend sometimes. I can see if I was sleeping all day because I was depressed or something, but when you are up all fucking night due to pain, there is a difference.

I feel like paging my psychiatrist and telling her my plans are still on in full force because I haven’t slept all night but 2 bloody hours, maybe less as I really don’t know what time I passed out. It really sucks when you are in a sound sleep and get woken up by feeling like your foot is being torn apart. I thought at first I was dreaming of this pain but I woke up and it wasn’t a dream. Fucker. Maybe I will take another Ativan yet again to calm my ass down and get back to sleep as this pain medicine isn’t doing shit not after two hours. I am agitated as anything. That isn’t good when you are feeling suicidal. If I had hair, I’d probably pull it out. I am glad I have short hair. It makes it hard to pull on your hair. I might go to the barber when I am better and get buzzed again. My hair has grown back even though it’s only been two weeks since my last cut. My hair grows fast. I think it is because I always cut it. Or it could be my psych meds. I don’t know.

I am going to attempt to get three books from my box that is a foot away from my bed. Got them, I was very careful not to put pressure on where the pain was. But as I was getting back in bed, I accidently did so the pain acted up again. Fuck. It’s going to be a day in bed. I just hope I don’t have to go to the bathroom. That will be torture. Oh, how I wish there was a half bath where the bedrooms were.

It feels like I am putting tremendous pressure on my toes when there is nothing there. I have taken my foot from out of the covers so the sheet isn’t on it. Still in pain. It didn’t do much. This is terrible. I hope the Ativan works quickly before I totally lose my mind! It’s the peroneous tendon that is flaring up. I just moved my toes to see what would happen and felt pain in my ankle immediately. Fuck. This isn’t good. In another hour, I can take my regular pain meds. I hate being on a fucking clock schedule for taking meds. But if it keeps the pain away, I got to be on it or else I pay for it. I had taken the strong pain pill when I woke up 2 hours ago because I couldn’t take my regular pain meds as I just took them before going to bed for my 1.5 -2 hours of sleep. I really just want to die. And that will happen soon, I swear, though I am thinking of changing my method of choice. It will be messy but I think I will go on the outside back porch so the clean up can be better than inside the house or in my room.

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