having a painful day

Having a painful day

I didn’t go to sleep till around 0930 this morning. I had been up all night, minus about 1.5-2 hours of sleep, until pain woke me up from a sound slumber. I did sleep for about six hours, when my pain meds wore off and I needed more. I also needed food as I just had some toast with some coffee for breakfast. I ordered a cheeseburger with onion rings. It was good and now I don’t need anymore food for the day.

While I was waking up, I stretched my feet and that proved to be a disaster. My left ankle hated it so bad it caused me severe pain. I don’t know why I did that. Now I am trying to get the pain under control again. I feel like I should be making preparations for my death in a few weeks but I can’t stand so there goes that idea. I will have to make it some other time. I still haven’t worked on my will yet. It’s almost ready, I just need to add some closing remarks.

Last night I watched Schindler’s List. I forgot how gruesome the movie was and inhumane. I pray to all the gods and hope that this never happens again. I could only bear to watch Part 1. I’m too tired to watch the end of the movie tonight so I will probably do so tomorrow night. I didn’t want to give myself nightmares because I know the end of the movie is worse than the beginning.

My mood has been neither good nor bad today. I am just too tired to gauge it. Of course, the feelings of wanting to die are still present. I swear the level of pain dictates how bad the wanting to die urges are and today they are great. The pain is the highest it has been in a long time and with me having no sleep last night, at all, I am just vulnerable to my dark moods. I haven’t emailed my psychiatrist and don’t plan to. Why worry her. I see her Friday anyways and things might change. I doubt it, but there is always that sliver of hope that I cling to.

There were errands I wanted to do today that obviously never got done because I needed sleep and also pain relief. I had my sister pick up my meds at the pharmacy because I can’t walk, least not today. If I get enough rest today, maybe I can do the errands tomorrow.

My foot and ankle are throbbing up a storm right now. I don’t know which is more painful, my foot or ankle, and frankly I don’t care. I hope to sleep soon even though it’s only 5 pm. I just can’t keep my eyes open anymore.

Published by

G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

One thought on “having a painful day”

  1. i hope you slept. I hate nights where I cant sleep, and I don’t have the constant pain that you have. I think if I did I’d really want to just end it too. I can see why you do. xxx

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