I thought I would read for a little bit before bed to quiet my thoughts so I could sleep. I read for about two hours and when I finished the chapter, I wasn’t sleepy. I am wide awake and it’s taken me a while to settle down. So I am doing my writing thing to help my brain process what I read and hopefully sleep.
I am reading about Robert Lowell. He is an American writer/poet who suffers from severe manic-depression illness, otherwise known as Bipolar Disorder. The author, Kay Redfield Jamison, hate the term bipolar so uses the more descriptive and old fashioned term, Manic-Depression. I feel for this guy because he was born at a time when there was really nothing that could be done for him, medication wise. Lithium was around but they were still learning its properties and there was nothing else. Thorazine was around but it helped to calm people down. It really didn’t help stabilize the individual suffering and it sure as hell didn’t help with the depression side of things.
I am glad this guy wasn’t prone to suicidal tendencies because he would have attempted and probably would have died by it. He had a long history of mental illness in his family line but no suicides. People in his line just died from “insanity”.
It got me thinking about my illness and how it can get really bad and go from bad to worse in a heartbeat. I have been dealing with pain most of the day. I haven’t taken my strong pain pill because I am coping okay with the intensity of the pain, even though it caused me a huge anxiety attack earlier. Man, it was terrible. I hate anxiety more than I do the depression. But my PTSD was set off because the pain was coming in spurts and it just triggered me. I knew I was okay and that I wasn’t being harmed. But I was still scared that something serious was wrong and I couldn’t shake that feeling. The more I thought about my pain, the more anxious I became. I was waiting for the Ativan to work but it’s slow. I have to wait at least 20-30 minutes and that is like a lifetime when your heart is pounding and you are thinking the world is coming to an end.
After my attack, I was thinking about what to do for next time. I am going to ask my psych if taking my blood pressure pill as a PRN would be good for the PTSD and anxiety. I have a BP monitor so I can check my BP so it doesn’t get too low. I don’t know if she will be agreeable to this idea, but I am tired of taking Ativan because I don’t want to become dependent on it. I already take at least 2 mg a day. I don’t want to take more and would like to take less.
I think one reason I am coping better with the pain is the increase in Zoloft two weeks ago. It wasn’t much, just 50 mg, but I can feel different in how I handle my pain. I don’t automatically think about suicide when the pain reaches top levels. I am able to think what can I do to relieve my pain and usually that means taking the strong pain pill a little more frequently than I have been. Granted between me being wicked inactive this week and just taking these meds, I have become really constipated. I haven’t gone since Tuesday and now I will need reinforcements to go. I started with fiber pills today. I took three pills. I will take two more in the morning. And just go from there. If I don’t go by tomorrow night, I will take miralax. I hate having to take all this stuff just to go, but you need to go. Luckily, I don’t feel that uncomfortable, yet. I guess that is a good thing when your nerves don’t work right. I have a friend that gets really uncomfortable if she doesn’t go every day. I’m glad I never had that problem. I am afraid of going though because I know it’s going to hurt and might cause a nerve pain attack. Those are the worse because there is nothing I can do about it. I just have to wait it out.
I started thinking about what I want to write next. I really don’t know. But I am thinking about it. I might try my hand at some fiction. But I am really bad with dialogue. I have been making mental notes when I read something. How it’s worded and where the quotes are placed. Stuff like that. I would like to take a class on it and I think the place I had that workshop did have a course on dialogue. Maybe I will look it up tomorrow. I am getting tired and an internet search might cause me to wake up. I hate it when I start getting on the computer and you have one thing in mind but get distracted by other things. Then you never do the thing you were suppose to do.
Later today, I need to go to the store and get Cocoa Pebbles. It’s my new favorite cereal. I go through phases with liking cereal. Some times it’s one brand over another for a while. Some times it’s two kinds that I like and will switch off on them, only because there is no room in the cupboard for two boxes. Then I will go through periods where I won’t have any cereal for a while. Nature Valley just came out with a new cereal and I might try that. I love granola. I just wish it wasn’t so expensive.