what I forgot to mention

What I forgot to mention

If you are a frequent reader of my blog, I am sorry for the repetition. I had four back surgeries, total. The first 2 were done in 2001 and 3 and 4 were done in 2006 for the same reason. Cauda Equina Syndrome. Because of this syndrome, my new PCP thinks I have chronic back pain. I sort of do but it’s not an every day type of pain. It’s more that my ankle and foot are the culprit that is causing me disability than my back. And despite telling him this, he is hooked that my ankle/foot pain is stemming from my back, which frustrates the hell out of me because umpteen doctors have proven that it’s my ankle not my back that is the problem.

The PCP’s nurse called me today and asked how my back and ankle were doing. I wanted to hang up on her. I told her it was my ankle and not my back that was the problem. I had to explain to her that I have complex regional pain syndrome in my ankle/foot/toes. And that it was wrecking havoc with my sleep. I keep waking up in the middle of the night in pain. She called me back later this evening to tell me my PCP is thinking about prescribing me xylocaine gel to put on my ankle but hasn’t fully decided on it yet. I should know in a day or two. So I got out my over the counter Aspercreme Lidocaine gel and put that on because my ankle was hurting. Surprisingly, the pain went down 50% in a short amount of time. I don’t know if the strong pain pill that I took also worked at the same time I applied the gel, but whatever. I wasn’t in excruciating pain.

Then at dinner time, my mother was in a “happy” mood. I told her what I did today, about my writing and she said “why don’t I write about happy stuff”. I wanted to say to her because I am not a happy person but I didn’t want an argument. We had this discussion before and it didn’t go well. I felt really depressed after this conversation. Nothing I do pleases my mother. I just want to die. Maybe that will please her.

The damn birds have finally stopped chirping, least for now. I want to hunt them down and wake them up if they are sleeping like they have kept me up all damn day. I hate those fuckers.

I only put the lidocaine stuff on my ankle. So naturally, my foot is throbbing. I just took more pain meds. I might take another strong pain pill in a little while. While I was talking to my PCP’s nurse, I explained to her how I take the Neurontin and the strong pain pill. She wanted to increase the dose of the Neurontin. I explained to her how I take it and she asked if I took it every night. I do for the most part, even though I gain serious weight from it. Once the burning stops, I stop taking it though. I didn’t tell her that.

About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to what I forgot to mention

  1. manyofus1980 says:

    I hope they give you the gel to stop the pain in its tracks. I’m sorry your mom was in a mood and you felt depressed after your conversation. I hate conversations that make me feel bad afterwords. xxx

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